Expects Everything But The Kitchen Sink

, , , , , | Right | December 15, 2017

(A customer custom-orders a large amount — over $1000 worth — of solid brass hardware for kitchen cupboards from one of our vendor’s catalogues. A week later, she returns it and custom-orders another large amount of kitchen hardware. This, too, she returns a week later. She tries to place a third custom order.)

Me: “I should let you know in advance, ma’am, that we are no longer allowed to return special orders placed from here on out.” *I point to the policy which is on the counter*

Customer: “Why not?”

Me: “Our vendors will not accept returns on opened items.” *I gesture to a box with her two previous returns in it* “We are stuck with merchandise that’s difficult to move, and it’s a major financial burden on a store our size. Why don’t we order one pull for you to see and decide if you like it?”

Customer: “I won’t know if I like the look until I’ve had them all installed in my kitchen for a few days! This is unbelievable! This is why small businesses are going out of business. No customer service!”

(At this point, she hurls one of the cabinet knobs at me, knocking down a display.)

Me: “Actually, ma’am, we are only going out of business because we deal with unreasonable expectations from customers. You have five seconds to get out of the shop before I call police.”

They Need To Carb-Load Their Medical Degree

, , , , | Healthy | December 15, 2017

(I’ve been a diabetic for over 42 years, so I’m a bit “old school” when it comes to caring for my diabetes. Still, I must be doing something right, as my control has been fairly tight up until recently. Because of new issues, I go to see an endocrinologist and am discussing my diet with her. And as dismayed as I am to say it, I’m about 60 lbs overweight.)

Doctor: “How many carbs do you eat per meal?”

Me: “Oh, three, sometimes four. If I’m feeling particularly crazy, I’ll have up to five, but that’s my limit.”

Doctor: *looking at me in horror* “How many?!”

Me: “Three or four.”

Doctor: “Grams?”

Me: *holding my arms wide* “Do I look like a mouse? I’m talking about the diabetic exchange, doc. Fifteen grams is one carb, and I eat three or four carbs per meal, with two carbs being a snack.”

Doctor: “Oh, God! I thought you were eating only three or four grams per meal.”

Me: “Yes… and I have a blood glucose of zero.”

Blowing Nothing But Hot Air

, , , , , , | Right | December 15, 2017

(I am an apprentice glassblower, learning under a master artisan who has been in the business for over 30 years. One day, I’m working on a piece while my boss works with tourists, answering questions and explaining what I am doing.)

Tourist: *to me* “Excuse me, I have a question.”

Boss: “I’ll be happy to answer any questions you have! He’s working on a time-sensitive piece.”

Tourist: “Uh, no. Excuse me! Excuse me!”

Boss: “Really, please don’t interrupt him. I’m more than happy to answer any questions.”

(The tourist is quiet for a minute, and then starts climbing over the railing to get to me. My boss grabs him back, and I abandon the piece I’m working on to get on the phone to security.)

Tourist: “I just wanted to ask a question, and I knew that old guy wouldn’t know! Is that so hard?”

Me: “What the h*** could you have to ask?”

Tourist: *pointing* “Is that fire hot?”

A Walking Carpet Is A Walking Carpet

, , , , | Friendly | December 15, 2017

(I am browsing in a department store when I overhear this interaction between two brothers, probably about five and six years old.)

Older Kid: “Bigfoot! Biiiigfoot! I found Bigfoot!”

Younger Kid: “Who’s he?”

Older Kid: “From Star Wars!”

Don’t Know What Lead Them Here

, , , | Right | December 15, 2017

(I work in a home improvement store, mixing paint.)

Me: “Hi! How can I help you today?”

Customer: “I need some lead-based paint.”

Me: “I’m sorry, sir. We don’t sell lead-based paint.”

Customer: “I bought some here the other day.”

Me: “Lead-based paint has been off the consumer market since 1978, sir; we don’t sell it.”

Customer: *blank stare*

(At this point the customer and the woman with him proceed to walk down the aisle where our paint is kept, swearing they bought lead-based paint from us. They pick up a can of paint and turn it over to read the back of the label.)

Customer: “See?! Right here! Lead-based paint!”

Me: “That’s a warning against sanding on surfaces coated with lead-based paint, sir; it’s printed on every can of paint we sell.”

Customer: “Then what am I holding?!”

Me: “Oil-based paint for metal.”

Both Customers: *blank stare*

Customer: “Can I get it in white?”

Me: “It’s premixed white.”

(They then walked off without saying another word, and I bid them a good rest of the day.)

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