When you use the voice-to-text feature on a phone, it usually gets some words wrong in an understandable way. This is the story of the best (and worst) voice-to-text error I’ve ever seen.

I used to take classes at the University of Washington, or UW. People would commonly pronounce the name “U-Dub” rather than saying the whole thing. One day, I was just leaving a class at a secondary campus in a smaller town called Bothell.

I texted my husband to tell him where to meet me. He was already driving, so his phone read out my text to him, and he replied using voice-to-text.

Husband: *To his phone* “Okay, I’m coming to pick you up at U-dub Bothell.”

Text I Received: “Okay, I’m coming to pick you up and you are awful.”

Fortunately, I knew right away it was a mistake, and we had a great laugh about it when he got there and I showed him how the text had turned out!

A while back I was cashing out on a relatively busy day, and several other coworkers were on registers, as well. I was done cashing someone out when one of my newer coworkers needed help replacing the tape in the register. While I was helping my coworker, an older woman came through my line. I was finishing up so I told her I would be with her in a second.

Me: “Hello, I’m sorry for the delay.”

Customer: *Referring to the teenagers* “They shouldn’t be allowed to work here. They can’t do anything. Training them is useless.”

She continued for a minute disparaging young people.

I just wanted her out and didn’t really say anything directly to her. However, in our store, we take expired coupons even if they expired pretty far back. The item the lady bought was coupon-excluded, but I didn’t know until I scanned the coupon. Normally, I would write on it that it had not been used so they could use it again, but I was feeling petty, so I just gave it back to her and wished her a good day.

During a summer session at the university I attended, one of the students organized a trip to nearby Lassen Volcanic National Park. The park is at a relatively high elevation, and the organizer did not realize that this meant that, even in late June, much of the snow would still not be melted.

When we attempted to visit the geothermally active area called “Bumpass Hell,” which features mud pots, boiling springs, and fumaroles, we found that the trailhead was inaccessible, blocked by about a foot and a half of snow.

When we returned to the school, we were able to report, in all honesty, “We tried to go to Hell, but it was closed because it had frozen over.”

I have extremely low-grade ADHD; it’s to the point that normally just some caffeine and willpower get me straightened out. That’s probably why my soda-addicted teenage years never noticed. But the more tired I get, the more pronounced it gets, to where I literally have to set alarms to snap me out of whatever static-filled zone my meandering brain gets to and actually make sure I get household chores (or worse, actual professional work) done.

My old doctor knew this, it was on file, and we agreed that I didn’t require constant prescription medication as it was neither severe nor frequent enough to have me on a daily dose of medical-grade [illegal drug].

Unfortunately, her practice merges with another and no longer takes my insurance, so I have to find a new primary. Overall, the first meet-and-greet checkup goes fine. I need to lose weight, which I am already actively doing, joint issues are a known problem, etc.

Then comes the big question.

Doctor: “So, what are you taking for your ADHD?”

Me: “A good night’s sleep once a day and coffee with an extra espresso shot as required.”

Doctor: “No, what medicine are you taking?”

Me: “Uh, none. It’s not intense or interfering enough to require it.”

Doctor: “I’m going to prescribe you [Obvious Name Brand Medication].”

Me: “No, you’re not!”

Doctor: “You really can’t leave this untreated. It will affect your livelihood and—”

Me: “I’m gonna stop you right there, Doc. I’ve lived with this for forty years now. I know how it affects me and what I need to deal with. I worked a lot with [Former Doctor] and did a bunch of tests, and I know how severe my symptoms are. Putting me on [Medication] is like prescribing morphine to manage the pain of a stubbed toe; it’s extreme overkill.”

Doctor: “That information is outdated. If we do not treat this condition, you can experience lack of focus, hyper-focus on inappropriate subjects, energetic—”

Me: “Stop. Are you actually just reading symptoms off the screen?! I know what symptoms I have, and I know what treatments do and don’t work. You said I should lose another fifteen to twenty pounds. Are you going to prescribe me liposuction next instead of keeping up with diet and exercise?!”

Doctor: “Well, that would be too extreme a treatment for the amount you need to lose, and—”

Me: “Exactly, and it’s the same with my brain. Are you going to drop this now?”

He is grumpy, but he adds some notes to my file. We finish the appointment, and I schedule a six-month follow-up for the weight issues and general checkup.

End of story? I WISH.

A week later, I get a call from the pharmacy I have on file.

Pharmacy: “We have a prescription to pick up for [My Name].”

Me: “I’m… not expecting anything. What prescription was it?”

Pharmacy: “It’s [ADHD Medication].”

Me: *Pauses* “Was it entered by [Doctor]?”

Pharmacy: “Yes, it was!”

Me: “Right. I apologize for this, but please cancel and undo the prescription. I will not be picking that up.”

After confirming some stuff, the next call I made was back to the doctor’s office and canceling my follow-up, leaving some EXTREMELY specific complaints as to why. The next stop is the insurance website to find a new and less pill-happy PCP.

A customer comes into the butcher shop I work in, complaining.

Customer: “Your Chinese sausage? It was the most disgusting thing I’ve ever eaten!”

Me: “I’m sorry to hear that.”

Customer: “They tasted just like those gross Chinese ribs!”

Me: “Well, yeah, that’s the point of them.”

Customer: “Oh, really? Well, I’ll get another Chinese sausage, then.”

As I’m handing it to her, she says:

Customer: “Leave it to the d***ed Chinese to f*** up sausage, right?”

Never before have I seen stupidity on top of racism on top of stupidity like that before.