I am working as a bartender during Halloween. I came dressed as an old western-style bartender, complete with mustache and accent. We have the evening split up into a little costume party for kids and families in the earlier hours and then an adults-only costume drink-fest later on.

Regular: *Laughing at my costume* “You look so stupid.”

Me: “You should probably come back after the kids have gone because you’ve come dressed as a c**t.”

He didn’t talk to me for weeks after that. It was blissful.

I worked as an after-school care teacher at an elementary school. For Halloween, we had a little party for the kids with snacks and a movie. This film was the terrifying thriller “Spooky Buddies,” which all but two of the kids were mindlessly watching.

The two that weren’t were five-year-old twins who were mortified by the plight of the four Labrador puppies in Halloween costumes and came to me absolutely sobbing.

Kid: “Can you turn off the movie, please? It’s too scary!”

Me: “I’m sorry, all the other kids are enjoying it. How about we go to the other side of the cafeteria and play a board game, instead?”

Kid: “That won’t work!”

Me: “Why not?”

Kid: “BECAUSE I CAN’T LOOK AWAY!”

I ended up with one crying twin on each knee, terrified but adamantly refusing to not stare at the movie.

Blessedly, their mom came to pick them up not too long after.

I’m an ER nurse and it is Halloween, so we have been getting some rather colorful patients. I am doing intake and a group of gay men wearing animal costumes approaches, all looking rather sheepish. One of them is wearing a towel around his midsection.

Me: “What’s the reason you’re here, so I can give you the correct intake form?”

Man #1: “Well, my friend here wanted to wear a tail to the club, y’know, to have the best costume.”

Me: “Okay?”

Man #1: “And he… well… he wanted to make it, like… interactive with some of the guys at the club, and…”

Me: *Picks up a specific form* “Okay, so it’s a ‘removal’ procedure? Did he use lube?”

Man #1: “Wait… how did you know?”

Me: “Animal tail attached to a butt plug that gets stuck? Happens every Halloween.”

Man #2: “So… I’m not the first?”

Me: “Oh, honey. You’re not even the first tonight.”

Seriously… every d*** Halloween.

It is Halloween, and the staff is dressed in scary(ish) costumes to celebrate the fun.

Customer: “What are you supposed to be?”

Me: “Oh, I’m a character from a popular anime out at the moment. It’s called Demon Slayer.”

Customer: *Narrows eyes* “Are you one of the good guys?”

Me: “Yes, I’m dressed as one of the good guys.”

Customer: “So, you slay the demons?”

Me: “…The character I am dressed up as does, yes.”

Customer: “Good, then I can buy from you. I couldn’t shop at my usual store because the checkout clerk there was dressed as a Ghostbuster.”

Me: “Aren’t they the good guys, as well?”

Customer: “No! They swear too much! Also, they might accidentally capture the Holy Ghost, and I just can’t risk it.”

She made absolutely zero indication that she was joking about any of this. Either she’s a fantastic deadpan comedian, or she was serious.

I am working front-of-house. A guest comes up to me.

Guest: “I’ve just dropped my car keys down your toilet!”

Me: “Sorry to hear that! I’ll call—”

Guest: “Why would you design the restaurant that way?”

Me: “Well, they’re just standard toilets. I can call someone to help you retrieve them.”

Guest: “I flushed them.”

Me: “Oh… well, then I—”

Guest: “Isn’t someone going to offer to drive me home?”