Pass Me Once, Shame On You…

, , , , | Right | March 5, 2020

(I’m a regular at a fashion shop and I’m going to the changing rooms with two items to try on. There’s a customer with no items in her hands standing behind a second customer waiting to try her items. Also, there’s a girl working for the store that calls out when a room is free.)

Me: *to [Customer #1]* “Excuse me, are you in line for a room?”

Customer #1: “No, I’m just waiting for someone.”

(She moves away from the line. [Customer #2], who was before her, goes in and then it’s my turn.)

Worker: *to me* “You can go in number five now.”

Me: “Great! Thanks.”

(I’m about to go when [Customer #1] comes in front of me with two new items.)

Customer #1: “I was here first! It’s my turn, not hers! It’s my turn!”

Me: “Whatever, just go.”

Worker: “Wow. It was your turn, right? I saw you ask her earlier if she was in line and she said no.”

Me: “Yes, I know. I just don’t want to make any trouble; she seemed agitated.”

(Another room is free and I start walking when [Customer #3] pushes me and tries to go in.)

Worker: “Excuse me, ma’am, this young lady was here before you. You need to go back to the line and wait for your turn.”

Customer #3: “I’m with [Customer #1], so I get to go in with her.”

Worker: “I’m sorry but I can’t allow two people in the same room. Please wait for your turn.”

(I start walking to the room when the worker starts walking with me.)

Worker: “There was no way someone else was going to pass in front of you again!”

Me: “Thanks a lot! Have a great day!”

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It’s Not Just The Organs That Are Failing

, , , , | Healthy | December 9, 2019

(When my brother is around nine, he wakes up screaming in pain. As we have no vehicle of our own and no way of getting a taxi or a lift, my mother has to walk with a screaming child two kilometers to the hospital. She went to nursing school, but is not currently working as a nurse.)

Doctor: *after barely poking him* “Well, seems to be just some gas. He’s probably just using the pain to get attention.”

(My mother looks at her like she’s crazy, while my brother still cries and screams.)

Mom: “My son is not like that. Look, I am a nurse. I’m pretty sure he has appendicitis.”

Doctor: “Oh, nonsense. You don’t know what you are talking about.”

Mom: “But I do–”

Doctor: “Listen. I am a doctor. You are just a nurse. He is fine. Now leave.”

(My mother leaves the hospital furious. Not surprisingly, two days later, my brother’s appendix ruptures. My mom manages to get a passing car to take them to the hospital, and my brother has surgery. Because the hospital has no full anesthesia, they have to use local — the kind that only numbs the area — and my brother is operated on while awake and screaming. While he is still in surgery, my mother runs into the doctor in the hallway.)

Doctor: “Oh, you are here again. What, does your son have a headache now? It might be a tumor, don’t you think?”

(My mother almost attacked her, but her father entered the hospital on time and stopped her. My brother survived and made a full recovery, and my mother reported the doctor; unfortunately, nothing came out of it at the time, but a few years later she was forced into retirement for repeatedly misdiagnosing patients.)

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Your Brothers Are Being Real (Appen)dix

, , , | Related | December 6, 2019

(Both of my brothers have had appendicitis, the older when he was nine and the younger at age twelve. I am the youngest, currently at thirteen.)

Older Brother: “You had yours three years after me, and you are three years younger than me. Odd, right?”

Younger Brother: “Yeah… Hey, now that you mention it… [My Name] is three years younger than me.”

(They slowly turn to me, grinning.)

Me: “What?”

Younger Brother: “Your appendix will explode when you turn fifteen!”

Me: “Oh, please.”

Older Brother: “He’s right! You are gonna have a scar on your side, and then you’ll be one of us.”

Younger Brother: “One of us… one of us…”

(For the coming years, they randomly chanted “one of us” at me to remind me of their prediction. I am now 21; both my mother and her father have had appendicitis, but I am still full!)

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Prank Calling From China

, , , , | Friendly | November 11, 2019

(I’m sitting in a park with my mom, playing with my phone, when I get a call from an unknown number. As I never get calls, I answer out of curiosity.)

Me: “Hello?”

Caller: *very clearly a child* “Hi, yeah. You just won a trip to Paris.”

Me: “Oh, really?”

Caller: “Yeah, and you have to go to China to get the tickets.”

(I think to myself, “Wow, what a creative prank call,” and decide to call them out on their attempt.)

Me: “Mhm. Since you have my number, I will guess this is one of the little kids from [Local Pokemon Go Chat Group].”

(To my surprise, the kid on the other end starts spewing out the foulest string of insults a person could muster. I wait a few minutes, turning to look at my mother staring confusedly at me.)

Me:And since I now have your number, I will be calling the police.”

Caller: *click*

(I started explaining to my mom what was happening, and not ten seconds later, I got a text that read, “We are sorry. Please don’t call the cops! It was just a joke and it was my friend, anyway.” We laughed all the way home.)

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Hard To Love A Morning Person

, , , | Romantic | October 25, 2018

(I am chatting with my girlfriend while she’s in her psychology class.)

Girlfriend: “According to Freud, being in love is loving yourself, projected onto an object.”

Me: “Well, in that case, I love myself a lot.”

(I expect her to reply the same, but instead:)

Girlfriend: “In my case, it depends of the mood I get up with. I don’t love myself very much.”

Me: “…”

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