Thievery Requires Classy Caffeination

, , , , , , , | Related | November 3, 2017

(I am making a cup of tea for myself when Mum yells through the house to make her a cup of coffee, as well. I see there are two options: [Extremely Expensive Brand] and [Extremely Cheap Brand]. Both are open, but the cheap brand is further forward and seems to be more used. In fact, the expensive brand is practically hidden away, as it’s in the tea section of the cupboard, on its side, and behind the tea itself. Since I know Mum adores her expensive brand, I ask, yelling across the house.)

Me: “[Cheap Brand] or [Expensive Brand]?”

Mum: “Oh, just use the [Cheap Brand], because—” *incoherent as the kettle is boiling at that moment*

(I walk through to her.)

Me: “What were you saying? I only heard about using [Cheap Brand]. Also, why do you have two brands open?”

Mum: “Oh, I don’t. [Cheap Brand] jar contains [Expensive Brand].”

Me: “Why?”

Mum: “Because [Expensive Brand] is too big to fit in the coffee cupboard, so I fill the [Cheap Brand] jar with it so I can get it in there.”

Me: “Oh.” *pauses, then adds jokingly* “You know, Mum, you’re supposed to put the cheap stuff in the expensive container, so you seem classier, not make yourself look poorer.”

Mum: “But if someone robbed the place, they’d go, ‘Oh, they drink [Cheap Brand]; they must not have any money, so there’s no point robbing them,’ and then we’d be fine.”

Me: “Why would a burglar be in our coffee cupboard?”

Mum: “Burglars need a cuppa every now and then, too, you know!”

Human Rights Explained By A Human Gone Wrong

, , , | Right | November 2, 2017

(I am a manager working on a department store’s main service desk. I have been completing paperwork for the past ten minutes when I notice a young gentleman come up to me and stare.)

Me: “Is there anything I can help you with, sir?”

(No response.)

Me: “Sir?”

(Still no response. I decide to just ignore him, as he seems a bit weird, and get on with my work. Over the next ten to fifteen minutes, he inches closer to me. I’m a little creeped out, so I turn my back on him. A little while later I turn back to grab my stapler and see him right up against the counter. I stare at him as I reach for the stapler, when he grabs it.)

Me: “Sir, could I please have that? It does not belong to you.”

(No response.)

Me: “Sir, please.”

(He still says nothing, but reluctantly hands over the stapler. I turn back, staple what I need, and finally decide to address him.)

Me: “Sir, if there is nothing I can help you with, and you do not intend to shop today, I am going to have to ask you to leave.”

(This sets him off. His eyes turn murderous as he screams.)

Gentleman: “YOU DIDN’T SAY, ‘HELLO!’ YOU’RE SUPPOSED TO SAY, ‘HELLO,’ TO SOMEONE BEFORE YOU HELP THEM! I’VE BEEN STANDING HERE FOR HALF AN HOUR AND YOU’VE JUST F****** IGNORED ME. THIS IS TERRIBLE SERVICE. I HAVE NEVER BEEN MORE DISRESPECTED IN MY LIFE. I’M SUING!”

(The gentleman then sprinted out of the store. I got a call from my manager a month later regarding a 57-page essay sent to her about how I had infringed the gentleman’s basic human rights, referencing laws from all around the world to support his argument. After I explained what happened, she was just as confused as I was.)

Must Not Have Passed Their OWLs

, , , , , | Learning | November 2, 2017

(Someone has written graffiti on the door and [Teacher #1] has just arrived to see it.)

Teacher #1: “I don’t suppose we know who it was?”

Teacher #2: “[Student] told me it must have been someone evil, like a Death Eater or something.”

Teacher #1: “Hmm… You’d have thought evil forces could at least spell correctly.”

They Slipped On The Gauges

, , , , | Working | November 1, 2017

(I work in quality control. Part of my role is to manage the calibrated equipment we need to measure the parts we make. Some of it can be shockingly expensive due to how accurate it is; add to this the cost of having it calibrated every year by a laboratory and the cost can really stack up. When someone from maintenance maintenance needs to borrow a set of slip gauges, small metal blocks, I am reluctant, but my boss overrides me and makes me give them to him. I am still worried, so I chase him up at the end of the day.)

Me: “Hey, have you finished with those slip gauges?”

Maintenance: “What? No, we’re still using them.”

Me: “Well, when will you finish with them? I need to make sure they get returned.”

Maintenance: “I don’t know, a week or two.”

Me: “What? We need them in inspection. Why do you need them for so long?”

Maintenance: “They’re keeping the machine level!”

(I made him show me; he had wedged several of the slips under a tonne of machinery. These little blocks cost between £30 and £120 each and are only ever supposed to be handled with gloves. He and my boss both got reprimanded, and the site had to buy them all again, and then pay again for calibration.)

Failed The Pregnancy Test

, , , , | Working | November 1, 2017

(I’m picking up a prescription along with a couple of purchases.)

Cashier: “Here you are, sir. Also, would you be interested in our pregnancy tests?”

Me: “Uh, I’m male, so, no.”

Cashier: “Perhaps for your girlfriend?”

Me: “No?”

Cashier: “Come on, now. A strapping young man like yourself? It’s always good to be safe.”

Me: “I’m really not interested. I doubt a pregnancy test would even be effective with me. A condom sounds more reliable.”

Cashier: “Ah, but they can fail!”

Me: “It’s still a no.”

Cashier: *suddenly furious* “WELL, WHY NOT?”

Me: “Because I think it’s doubtful my boyfriend will come up to me and say he might be pregnant.”

Cashier: *pauses* “Oh, well, you didn’t have to be so rude!”

(After I paid and before the receipt printed, the cashier just walked away. The kicker: I go there every year for gay sexual health checkups. He actually knows my boyfriend and me well, and he has always known that I’m gay.)

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