I Have An Ice Cream Dream

, , , , , , | Related | July 2, 2018

(We are having a heatwave at the moment. As I am shopping, I pass a small girl and what I assume is her grandmother. The grandmother is carrying two boxes of ice lollies, each containing 12 lollipops.)

Grandmother: “Right. We need to get these home before they melt.”

Granddaughter: “Or we could just eat them now.”

(I admire her ambition.)

Unfiltered Story #115385

, , , | Unfiltered | July 2, 2018

(We are out on a company outing after a training day. We are ordering drinks at the table.)

Coworker: “Could I get some water?”

Waitress: Looks down at the jar in front of him and points.

Me and other coworkers: *laughing*

Unfiltered Story #115382

, | Unfiltered | July 2, 2018

(I work in a busy travel claims department and we communicate with customers by phone post and email. In order to pay a claim we ask for the sort code and account number of their UK banking account. We’ve emailed a customer asking to send their bank details. They respond with the details.)

Customer: “I don’t like having my bank details on the Internet so please destroy it immediately.”

Me: *to coworker* “They want us to destroy the Internet immediately.”

Coworker: “Kablam boom bang. It’s gone.”

(We laughed for a long while.)

Unfiltered Story #115366

, , | Unfiltered | July 1, 2018

(A male customer enters with his girlfriend. He doesn’t come straight up to the till, meaning that I have to prompt him.)

Me: “Hi, can I help you?”

Customer: “Pliers.”

Me: “Sorry?” *thinking I must have misheard*

Customer: *impatiently* “Pliers!”

Me: “Um, we’re not a hardware store.”

Customer: *angrily* “PLIERS!”

Customer’s Girlfriend: “They’re called players, you idiot. And say please!”

Customer: *meekly* “Players, please.”

The Eventual Heat Death Of Their Brain

, , , , , , | Working | June 29, 2018

(I work in a hotel. I am Australian, living in London. It is currently a “heat wave,” around 30° C [86° F], and I am working a canapé reception. The manager gathers us before the guests arrive to give a small briefing.)

Manager: “And lastly, you’ve all noticed it’s quite hot today. Please keep the doors to the staff areas shut as much as possible; we have the air conditioners on, but this is all the cold air we have. We don’t want the guests getting too hot.”

(Several of my coworkers are nodding seriously in agreement. One of the only other Australians leans over to me:)

Coworker: “‘All the cold air we have’? So, who wants to tell him that’s not how air conditioning works?”

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