(My husband always calls my mother-in-law at least three times a week since she lives so far away. He is usually met with the answering machine and always leaves a message. My mother-in-law calls on Thursday.)

Mother-In-Law: “You never call and always ignore me and leave me out of your life.”

Husband: “I call all the time and leave messages because you are never home.”

Mother-In-Law: “My house phone isn’t working.”

Husband: “I wasn’t aware.”

Mother-In-Law: “Since the handset isn’t working I don’t need to pay my bill.”

Me: *face-palm*

Substitute: “You! Stop doing that!”

Me: *looking around* “What?”

Substitute: “THAT!”

Me: “I don’t know what you’re talking about.”

Substitute: *storming up and taking my pen out of my hand* “THAT!”

(She puts the pen in my right hand.)

Me: “But I’m left-handed.”

Substitute: “No, you aren’t. You’re an abuse survivor who needs to learn how to live in the real, NORMAL, world.”

(I stare at her in total confusion.)

Substitute: “Your parents are drug abusers who had nothing better to do than torture their son. Now, it’s all right; it will take time to adjust, but you will soon realise that those year of neglect and pain will ease, and that you have been right-handed all along! *goes back to the whiteboard*

(I kept switching back to my left hand, but she kept coming over to scold me. She eventually gave me a detention, but I didn’t go. I’m so happy she was just a substitute and I thankfully never saw her again.)

(We ask customers for the details of who they bank with in case they have dual insurance with a paid bank account. The client I’m currently talking to has a specific insurance for airline staff. We are about ten minutes into a call talking through a claim form when she says:)

Caller: “I didn’t know who I bank with, so I crossed the whole section out.” *Hmm?* “Yes, it was difficult, so I wrote ‘purple card.’”

Me: “Umm…”

Caller: *continuing on through the sections a whole manner of it she has filled in, shall we say, creatively* “…then I didn’t know how to show you that I owned the item, so I took a picture of myself with it, then held it with that picture on it and took another picture.”

(She was only claiming a few minor damages to the item. In the end I kinda felt bad for her because she’d clearly over-thought the whole thing. I ended up telling her not to send pictures, since we had already discussed a repair quote and we use sense to know that they had the item to actually have a quote done. Also this person is in charge of a huge airborne people-carrying plane. It slightly put me off flying.)

(I am 20, but have been working at my appliance store since I was 16, so am pretty knowledgeable on the products. An elderly lady calls enquiring about a new washing machine. I talk her through all the various machines which I think suit her needs, going over spin speeds, load sizes, special programmes, etc. She agrees on a model and I arrange a delivery and take payment. The day of delivery arrives and I get a call from the lady, who is furious! She is ranting about what kind of idiots do we employ and suchlike. She calms down enough that I can get a word in and ask her what’s wrong.)

Customer: “The idiot who I spoke to sold me a laundry machine! I wanted A WASHING MACHINE!”

Me: “The model we delivered you is a washing machine, ma’am.”

Customer: “Well, it’s the wrong kind. I wanted a DISH WASHING MACHINE!”

Me: “…let me get the boss.”

(A few years ago I could see my company failing. As I have two small children, I decide to find another job with some stability. Towards the end I talk at great lengths with some of my team and try to get them to at least look at their options, but as the pay is higher than average, due to the bad reputation of the company for firing people, many of them ignore my advice and some ridicule me for going to somewhere else for less money. A year later, I get a message from one of my former team. He is a decent guy but utterly hopeless. Due to him being friends with the boss, he was never pulled up on his behaviour and was massively overpaid. But I still want to help him out.)

Ex-Coworker: “Hey, [My Name], did you hear the news?”

Me: “Hey, about the redundancies? Yeah, I heard. Are you affected?”

Ex-Coworker: “I don’t know yet. We will soon.”

Me: “That’s a shame; it really is. How is the job hunt?”

Ex-Coworker: “Oh, I haven’t started yet.”

Me: “Maybe worth looking soon. I mean, it is better to find something now then be desperate later.”

Ex-Coworker: “Yeah, you’re probably right.”

(I know this guy won’t bother; as much as I want him to sort himself out, I know he will struggle.)

Me: “Tell you what. I will send you over anything I find.”

Ex-Coworker: “That would be great, thanks!”

(Over the next couple of weeks I send a list of jobs, each of them are more suitable to his “skills.” I deal with recruitment companies anyway so I get them to take a look at his CV. I don’t hear anything for a couple of months until I get another message.)

Ex-Coworker: “Hey, [My Name].”

Me: “Hey! How are you?”

Ex-Coworker: “Not great. I found out I’m at risk.”

Me: “That sucks; how goes the job hunt?”

Ex-Coworker: “Okay, I guess. Those jobs you sent over weren’t really what I was looking for.”

Me: “Really? Why not?”

Ex-Coworker: “Well, if I’m going for a new job I want to get more money.”

Me: “More money? But you might not have a job in a couple of months.”

Ex-Coworker: “Yeah, well, I need to find a better job.”

(I was stunned. This guy knew that he struggled in his current job, he knew that he was overpaid, and that any more money would mean an even more challenging job. I just didn’t know how to respond. Eventually he signed off and said goodbye. I heard nothing from him again for months, later learning from another friend that he did lose his job, and that apparently I didn’t help him out and that I promised to get him a job. He still messages me time to time asking for work; I occasionally send him over vacancies. None of them are ever good enough.)