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Not Into Darcy’s

, , , , , | Related | October 24, 2017

(I’m female, and in my early 20s I am feeling out my nascent lesbianism. My family is pretty cool, but I am still quite nervous about coming out, especially as I’m not sure if I am gay, bi, confused, or going through a phase. One night, I go to the cinema with my dad to see the first Bridget Jones movie. At the end, he turns to me and, clearly trying to use young-person language, says:)

Dad: “So, Colin Firth? Is he… fit, then?”

Me: *caught off guard* “Ermmmmmm. Um… Ah. Um… Well, Dad, I’m not so much into boys at the minute.”

Dad: *without missing a beat* “So, Renée Zellweger. Is she fit, then?”


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Bursting American Bubbles

, , , , , | Right | October 24, 2017

(We are a small, UK-based company. An American customer calls one afternoon.)

Customer: “I was on your website and can only find this number. I need to you to give me the number for your American office. And you should tell whoever is in charge that international calls are expensive. I shouldn’t have to call to get an American number; you should put it on your website next to this one.”

Me: “We don’t have an American office; just this one. Is there something I can help you with?”

Customer: “What do you mean, you don’t have an American office? Your website says you ship worldwide.”

Me: “We are a very small company. We send everything from the UK and—”

Customer: “Why are you all in the UK?”

Me: “Because we live here?”

Customer: “All of you?”

Me: “Um, yes.”

Customer: “If you don’t have an American office, then how can you ship things to us in the United States?”

Me: “We give Royal Mail money and they put it onto a plane for us.”

Customer: “I only deal with Americans.” *click*


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Peter Rabbit And The Prisoner Of Azkaban

, , , , , , | Working | October 23, 2017

(Our company adds a busser, who is just 16 years old, to our team. The following conversation happens in a quiet moment as two coworkers and I am discussing the Beatrix Potter 50-pence pieces available in the UK.)

Colleague #1: “I only need one more and I’ll have the whole set.”

Me: “I managed to get two whole sets recently; the last one took ages to find, though. Which one do you need?”

Colleague #1: “The Beatrix Potter one, y’know, with the dates and that.”

Colleague #2: “Oh, I need that one, too.”

Busser: “Beatrix Potter! I liked the third film best.”

(We all stare at her.)

Busser: “What?”

Me: “Third film?”

Busser: “Yeah, Harry Potter. I’ve not read the books yet, but I like the films.”

Me: “We’re talking about Beatrix Potter, the author!”

Busser: “Who?”

(I describe to her the books she may know. She just looks blank.)

Busser: “Well, Beatrix Potter… Harry Potter… They’re pretty much the same, anyway!”

Why Nurses Should Rule The World, Part 12

, | Healthy | October 23, 2017

(This was a few years ago. I have made an appointment with a new GP to give me a contraceptive implant since I keep forgetting to take my pills and I want to be safe. This is my first time at this particular office.)

Doctor: “So I’m just going to numb the area first and then we’ll get the implant in there.”

Me: “Okay.”

(I roll up my sleeve and turn my head away.)

Doctor: “Are you all right?”

Me: “Oh, yeah, I just don’t like watching the needle go in. So I’m gonna look at that wall there.”

Doctor: “All right, then.”

(She then stuck the needle in and lifted the skin of my arm up with the needle as she removed it. When she apologized she attempted to do it again. Both times were quite painful but thankfully the needle didn’t break and the rest of the appointment went fine.)

Doctor: “Again, I’m so sorry. I don’t know what happened there. Maybe if you didn’t have such tiny arms!”

(Three years later I went to get my implant replaced. This time I got a nurse to do it. She did it completely pain-free on the first try. I guess my tiny arms weren’t a problem for the nurse.)

Related:
Why Nurses Should Rule The World, Part 9
Why Nurses Should Rule The World, Part 10
Why Nurses Should Rule The World, Part 11


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Car-Fooling

, , , , | Working | October 23, 2017

(We monitor closed circuit television for various highrise blocks in our city. One of our blocks is almost entirely enclosed inside a high fence with two vehicle gates. One is to enter and is security fob accessible, and one is to exit, and automatically opens when you drive up to it from the inside. Unfortunately, this exit gate is extremely temperamental and breaks down at the slightest gust of wind. There is a reset button near the gates, but this can be as temperamental as the gates themselves. We also have wardens that we can dispatch to any of our blocks. On this instance, our gates have failed again, but the onsite staff has already notified us. Two of our wardens are on site, but are both quite new. They are, however, very eager and very hands-on. This conversation takes place over radio.)

Warden: “We just wanted to let you know that the vehicle exit gates have failed. Is there anything that can be done?”

Me: “The only thing we can do is to phone [Repairs] and report it. You could try the reset button.”

Warden: “Is that [location of button]? Will that do anything, though?”

Me: “Well, you can try it. The worst thing that will happen is nothing at all.”

(At this point, we can see them pressing the button on the camera and I feel a bit mischievous.)

Me: “Yeah. You’ll have to test it by pretending to be a car.”

(I could watch what they do next all day, but I quickly put them out of their misery.)

Me: “I’m sorry. I mean you’ll have to test it with a car.”

(It did resolve the issue, but I will forever have the memory of our two new wardens jumping up and down in front of the gates doing star jumps trying to get the gates open.)