(I work at a bar.)

Me: “Okay, that’ll be £14, please.”

Customer: “I’ll pay on my card.”

Me: *points to the sign behind me* “Cash only, sorry.”

Customer: “Is your machine broken?”

Me: “No, we don’t have a card machine.”

Customer: “But I paid by card last week.”

Me: “Doubt it.”

Customer: “You must be new. I used to pay by card all the time here.”

Me: “Well, I’ve worked here for five years. The bar itself has been open for seven. In that time, we have never had a card-machine. If you mean you paid by card at the strip-club that this venue used to be, then you would be right.”

Customer: “Erm… You sure your machine isn’t working?”

Me: *deadpan face*

(The customer walks away.)

(A few years ago, I worked in a small, family-run Italian restaurant. On a busy Friday night, a young couple comes in to eat and asks me for the bill when they finish. I take the bill over and they pay by debit card. After they pay, I thank them for coming and go back behind the counter to prepare another table’s bill. Afterwards, they come up to speak to me.)

Customer: “Hi, we’d just like to say thank you for the great service and food, but we feel really bad; we have no change for a tip.”

Me: “Oh, don’t be silly! That’s fine. Honestly, it’s no problem. I’m glad you enjoyed it!”

Customer: “Thanks for being so understanding; we really feel bad, though.”

Me: “Honestly, don’t feel bad; it’s enough for me to know you enjoyed it. Have a great night!”

(They leave and I get on with the night. About 20 minutes later, I am at the counter and someone calls out.)

Customer: “Hi again. We came back to tip you.”

(He hands me a £10 note.)

Customer: “We wanted to come back after we’d been to the cash machine; we really did have a great time.”

(I thanked them profusely and they left. I was so shocked they went out of their way to come back, even though I really didn’t mind I’d not been tipped. The service industry is hard work, but it’s people like that who make the difference!)

(I am asexual and aromantic.)

Friend: “Everybody needs love!”

Me: *glares at her*

Friend: *points to me* “Except you.”

(I am leaving the fitting rooms when I hear a woman scream in pain and shout that her waters have broken. I pull the curtain back to see her on the floor crippled with pain and call 999. Several store workers also arrive, and we try to assist the woman in the best way we can. A manager then approaches.)

Manager: “Did you damage anything?”

Customer: “What?”

Manager: “Did YOU damage anything?”

(The customer and I stare at each other incredulously.)

Me: “She’s in labour!”

Manager: “We have a policy, sir.” *to the customer* “If you damaged anything, you will have to purchase them.”

Customer: “Whatever!”

(The emergency services arrive and carry her out in a gurney. As she is leaving, the manager comes up with a soaked bag and a chip and pin machine.)

Manager: “You aren’t going anywhere until you pay!”

Paramedic: “Sir, this woman is in labour! Surely this can wait!”

Manager: “Not on your life!”

(Then the manager thrust the chip and pin into the customer’s hands. As if preordained, the customer experienced a contraction at the same time, and screamed again while, literally, crushing the chip and pin between her hands. The manager yelped and fled, shouting to just forget it. I couldn’t imagine the strength the woman had in that moment, but she certainly made my day. I never found out what happened to her after that, but I hope she and her child are doing well.)

(It is my first day in a new job. Just to illustrate how much this job means to me, I had to turn down a guaranteed part-time job just to attend the interview for this one. The office is 29 miles away from my house, and I don’t drive. I’ve just been let in.)

Security Guard: *to me and another guy who is starting the same job* “Can you guys wait here a minute? I need to check something.”

(Ten minutes later he comes back.)

Security Guard: “Sorry, but I’m going to have to send you home. We have nothing saying you should be here today, and the guy who hired you isn’t here, either.”

(We were both pretty floored by this, but there was nobody else we could talk to, so we didn’t have much choice. Luckily, the other guy offered me a lift back to my house, so I didn’t have to wait for a bus. I got back home, took off my suit, put my PJs on, and prepared for a lazy day. I was sitting, checking my emails, when I remembered I had some brief correspondence with another guy from the company about a training course we’d been sent on, and he had a phone number listed, so I tried calling him to see what was going on. He basically described the whole situation as being down to an “overzealous security guard,” assured me that I did in fact start that day, and asked if there was any way I could go back in. Cue a mad rush of me shedding pyjamas and throwing my suit on like I was Superman in reverse. Thankfully, I managed to get a lift to a town halfway there, and there just so happened to be a bus back to the office as I got into town. Luckily, the manager was there at that point, as were the other three people joining my team. We laugh about it now, but honestly, when it happened I was absolutely terrified that something had gone horribly wrong and the person who told me I’d gotten the job had been playing some kind of awful prank.)