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We Just Report The News

, , , | Right | June 27, 2008

(Our newspaper always gets strange calls. After one story I wrote about first aid training at the Red Cross, I get the following call from a reader…)

Me: “Hello, [newspaper]. How may I help you?”

Reader: “Yeah, I’m here at the Red Cross.”

Me: “… okay?”

Reader: “They just told me the first aid class you wrote about is full.”

Me: “Oh, okay.”

Reader: *silence*

Me: “Sir? What’s the problem?”

Reader: “Well, I have a friend who really needs to get into this class, but they said it’s full!”

Me: “I’m so sorry, sir.”

Reader: “Well?”

Me: “I’m sorry?”

Reader: “Well, what are you going to do about it? Can’t you tell them to add a seat to the class?”

Me: “Umm, no, sir. I’m just a reporter. I can’t tell the Red Cross what to do. I’m sorry your friend can’t get in the class in time.”

Reader: “Well, what is he supposed to do? He needs the training now!”

Me: “Well, I believe the hospital teaches a first aid class.”

Reader: “They do? Can you call them for me?”

Me: “No, sir, I’m afraid I have a tight deadline today. I can’t take the time to look into that. Maybe you could call your friend and tell him?”

Reader: *sarcastically* “Yeah, whatever. Thanks for your help.”

I’m Sensing Something Cylindrical And… Swedish

, , , , | Right | June 27, 2008

(I work at an adult novelty shop. A man and a woman come into the store together, obviously a pair. The man comes to the front counter, pays for a sex toy (think of the first Austin Powers movie) and leaves. A bit later, the woman comes up to the front desk.)

Woman: “Have you seen my husband?”

Me: “Ooooh. Um. I think he just left.”

Woman: “Oh, really?” *gets on her cellphone* “Hey, honey! Forget something!?”

(A few moments later, the front door flies open and the man sulks in, meets back up with his wife, and they both leave together.)

Coworker: “I’m glad he came back for her. I don’t think she’d fit in the lost-and-found.”

The Inadvertent Thief

, , , , , , | Right | June 26, 2008

Lady: “Do you sell aloe vera gel?”

Me: “No, I’m afraid we don’t, but you might be able to get it at [Store] down the street.”

Lady: “Oh, great, thanks.”

(She leaves and ten minutes later returns wielding a tube, looking irritated.)

Me: “Hello again, did you manage to find it okay?”

Lady: “No! You told me they had aloe vera gel! All they had is the cream! I don’t want the cream!”

Me: “Um… you didn’t want the cream but you bought it anyway?”

Lady: “No, of course I didn’t BUY–”

(She suddenly stopped and looked at the tube in her hand. Her expression turned to horror and she legged it back out the door. My coworkers and I laughed for a good ten minutes at that one.)


This story is part of the Totally Unobservant Customers roundup!

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Ba Dum Dum *Chhh*, Part 2

, , , | Right | June 24, 2008

Me: “I have a tall mocha.”

Customer: “That’s me, thanks.”

Me: “Thanks! Have a good one!”

(She returns in less than a minute with a disgusted look on her face.)

Customer: “What is this?!”

Me: “That’d be a mocha latte.”

Customer: “Does it have espresso in it?”

Me: “Yes. ”

Customer: “Ugh, this is the worst thing I have EVER put in my mouth!”

Me: *without a beat* “Ma’am, I highly doubt that.”

It’s Not Unusual To Be Fake With Anyone

, , , | Right | June 24, 2008

(I work in the Asset Management Department for a provider of loans and mortgages. It means that I have to try over the phone to get money out of people who haven’t made their monthly payments in ages.)

Customer: “Hello?”

Me: “Hello, is that Richard White?”

Customer: “Yeah, who’s this?”

Me: “Hello Richard, this is [My Name] calling from [Finance Company]. I just need to ask you some security questions before I proceed: could you please give me your date of birth?”

Customer: “…”

Me: “Hello?”

Customer: “Oh yeah… it’s… um… 3rd of December… 19… 74.”

(This is a completely different date of birth to what is on my screen.)

Me: “And you confirmed that you are Richard White?”

Customer: “No… my name’s… um… my name’s Tom.”

Me: “Tom?”

Customer: “Yes.”

Me: “Tom what?”

Customer: “Tom… Jones.”

Me: “But you just said you were Richard White.”

Customer: *hangs up*