(In the county I live in, it’s customary for entire conversations to consist solely of, “You all right?” “Yeah, you?” “Yeah,” to the extent where there have been songs written about it. A customer in her 60s walks into the store. My coworker is a student from a posh area up country, studying in the local university.)

Coworker: “You all right, there? How can I help?”

Customer: “You mean, ‘Good morning?’ ‘All right’ is a greeting only used by these backwards inbreds!”

(An entire store of “backwards inbreds” turned to look at the woman, and stared at her the entire time she was waiting for my coworker to go and fetch her contact lenses from the contact lens department, which she was too lazy to do herself.)

(I’m in the local pub late at night, just having a quiet night. A guy comes running in and comes up to another guy at the bar, asking for a cigarette.)

Guy At The Bar: “Yeah, whatever. Why are you running about, anyway?”

Guy Who Ran In: “I just robbed [Supermarket]!”

Guy At The Bar: “Yeah, yeah, and I’m the queen. Do you have a lighter?”

(They both go out, as it’s illegal to smoke inside. There’s a bit of commotion when the guy from the bar comes in looking annoyed. He picks up his stuff.)

Guy At The Bar: “He did just f****** rob [Supermarket], didn’t he? I’ve got to give a f****** statement now.”

Barman: “Have a nice night, Your Majesty.”

(The museum is about to close and my colleagues are conducting final checks on galleries. We are keeping contact via radios. I have just asked [Colleague #1] to check our Ancient Egypt gallery.)

Colleague #1: “Yeah, it’s all fine; the gallery is completely empty.”

Colleague #2: “But the artefacts are still there, right?”

Colleague #1: “It’s empty of people.”

Colleague #2: “But the mummies are still there, right?”

Colleague #1: “It’s empty of living people.”

Me: “But you’re still there, right?”

Colleague #1: “I’m dead on the inside.”

(The UK has very strict gun laws. One day, there are police everywhere and helicopters in the sky. Social media informs me that two people were spotted with guns. The next Monday when I’m in my films and media class…)

Teacher: “Before we start, I just want to thank you guys for being so eager to do your coursework. Next time, though, please alert both the college and the police if you’re going to be filming with realistic replica firearms.”

(He looked pointedly at two of my classmates. I think we know who caused the stir.)

(I’m at my friend’s parents’ house, as she is visiting for the week. She lives in London and has been telling me about the crime down her street — often teens smashing up cars, mugging people, and stealing phones. We talk about other things for a bit.)

Me: “When are you going back tomorrow?”

Friend: “Early afternoon. I do not want to be walking down my street in the dark. It’s stupid; I’ll walk from [Parents’ house] to [Other Friend’s house an hour away] in the dark, I’ll walk from Kings Cross to Farringdon in the dark, but I am not stepping down my street in the dark.”

Me: “Well, you know what lurks down your street.” *pause, then in mock disdain* “Yooouuuuths.”

Friend: *mimicking my tone* “Yes, yooouuuuths.” *going back to a normal tone* “That stab people and are actually hard. Not like Norfolk ‘youths’ who just think they’re hard.”

Me: *putting on a higher voice and doing an impression of a typical Norfolk accent* “‘Look at me, lads; I’m so ‘ard. I jus’ stole this Bounty from [Super Cheap Store]!'”

(My friend laughs, and then imitates putting something on her head. I’m nonplussed.)

Friend: *mimicking my tone* “‘Now I’ve got a Bounty on my head!'”