(I work at the deli in a supermarket in a small town. The following is something I overhear whilst on my lunch break. My manager comes into the staff room and starts talking to some of the other managers.)

Deli Manager: “I just caught a customer putting down a potty and trying to potty train their kid down aisle four!” *the fresh meat aisle* “They had toilet paper with them and everything! I was almost afraid to approach her. I can see the newspaper headlines now: ‘[Store Chain] Against Potty Training!’”

(I still don’t know what my manager said to the customer or how they responded, but it is the weirdest thing I’ve heard during all the years I’ve worked at that store.)

(My office has known for a while that any of us could be losing our job at any time. My manager calls me into his office.)

Manager: “Okay, I’m afraid I have some bad news.”

Me: “I’m the first? I guess that was to be expected.”

Manager: “The first?”

Me: “To lose my job. It’s all right; I’m already looking for somewhere else. I won’t be out of work for long.”

Manager: “How did you know you were losing your job?”

Me: “Well, you sent out HR1 letters three weeks ago.”

Manager: *going pale* “Oh, no. They weren’t meant to be sent out!”

Me: “Wait, so, what did you think when the office got spectacularly clean the other week?”

Manager: “I just thought [Colleague with OCD] had had enough.”

Me: “So, do I finish this Friday?”

Manager: “What? H*** no! I need you here for the next month.”

Me: “But the letter said I would be paid up to the week I’m dismissed.”

Manager: “Look, just forget about the letter… Hold on.”

(He sprints out of the room and returns a few minutes later, flushed.)

Manager: “Okay, [HR Manager] and I want to reconsider the necessity of your position, so for the time being, just forget this meeting ever happened.”

(The next week, several of the HR Manager’s duties were delegated to some of us in the office, and we haven’t seen the HR Manager since. The letters, and the office’s cleanliness, are long forgotten.)

(I have just gotten into work.)

Coworker: “I dropped a glass before, and I keep seeing glass everywhere.”

Me: “Did you vacuum it up?”

Coworker: “Yes, but there’s still some about.”

Me: “Here: this is a trick my mum taught me.”

(I take a few slices of bread and press them against the floor.)

Me: “See, it picks it up.”

Coworker: “That’s amazing, and so economical. I’ll use them for the sandwiches later.”

Me: “Well, no. I have to throw them out after.”

Coworker: “Why?”

Me: “Because there’s glass on them, and they’ve been on the floor.”

Coworker: *huffs* “Well, that’s not very vegan!”

This story is part of our Vegan Roundup!

Read the next Vegan Roundup story!

Read the Vegan Roundup!

(I work as an associate for a company, and am entitled to an email address as per their policy. While I receive information through it, I have it connected to my work email for my actual employer. The company has had an upgrade in their email software, and everyone has been allocated new roles and job titles and placed into a hierarchy. The IT lead for our office is taking us through the new system. A lot of questions come up, but he dodges every single one.)

Coworker: “Why does it say my line manager is [CEO]? I’ve literally never met her, and having nothing to do with her.”

IT: “That’s the new hierarchy; it’s much better than before!”

Coworker: “It says I’m a cleaner when it should say I’m an HSE Manager. I didn’t even think cleaners got email addresses.”

IT: “Everyone gets an email address with the new system!”

Me: “I’m not even part of your company, and it says I’m listed as your finance director.”

IT: “Like I said! Everyone!”

Me: “Yes, but listing me as your company’s sole finance director sounds like a pretty dangerous blunder, since I’m not in any way involved with your company’s finances, and [Company] and [My Employer] are considered competitors.”

IT: “Don’t worry about it. This new system is better!”

(So, we all tried to get on with the new system, but in a little over an hour I was inundated with emails regarding potentially the most commercially sensitive information concerning the company. I tried to get in touch with IT, but our lead had vanished, and the department had closed its lines due to “increased calls.” I was at a loss as to what to do, so I tried to get in touch with the actual finance director, who I found out had only been receiving menus, with instructions to laminate them, from an extremely irate receptionist in Cardiff. He was listed as an intern. He requested that I forward on the emails. I did, and within five minutes everyone got an email telling us that the system would be undergoing maintenance and instructing us to use the old system. The new system has been completely forgotten about now, and nearly half the IT department was fired after the blunder, including our lead. I got a personal thank-you and commendation from the CEO for maintaining neutrality during the incident. The manager for my actual employer often jokes that I should have forwarded everything on to him.)

Related:
Email Fail, Part 15
Email Fail, Part 14
Email Fail, Part 13

(My mum is going deaf. To counter this, she opts to put the TV on max volume. The computer is in the adjacent room, and my friends can clearly hear what my mum is watching through my headset. This is annoying for my friends and me, as we can’t hear ourselves think. Mum has opted to stay over at Granny’s tonight. The following conversation happens via a group text.)

Me: “Hey, guys, come on and play games with me! Let’s teamspeak!”

Friend #1: “No offence, but I don’t want to hear what happens to [Soap Character].”

Me: “My mum isn’t home.” *followed by a series of love-related emojis*

Friend #1: “I’m there!”

Friend #2: “Okay!”

Friend #3: “F*** yes!”