Customer: “I’d like the number for Saint Anthony’s church in Newcastle, please.”

Me: “Certainly. Oh, there are two Saint Anthony’s churches in Newcastle. I have Saint Anthony of Padua’s and Saint Anthony of Egypt’s; which one would you like?”

Customer: *very calmly and patiently like she’s talking to a rather stupid child* “No, love, I want the one in Newcastle.”

(I have a friend who has one of those always-young faces. She looks a lot younger than she really is. She also has one heck of a smart mouth on her, and has taught me a lot about how to quietly take people down without losing her temper. We work in different companies, but in the same speciality, and we often meet up at work conferences. At one of these conferences, we meet up for lunch and sit at the same table as a husband and wife we don’t know. We get talking, when the man springs this little gem on my friend:)

Man: “You know, the problem is that you young ones in [industry] know nothing, these days.”

Friend: *polite smile* “Is that so?”

Man: “Yes! Now, you should think of doing [professional qualification]. It might teach you something!”

Friend: *thoughtfully, but sadly* “No. I really don’t think I could do that.”

Man: “It’s not too difficult, you know. You could always study and revise a bit first, if it feels a bit too hard.”

Friend: “Oh, that’s not the problem. It’s more of a logistical issue.”

Man: “How do you mean?”

Friend: “I can’t take that course, because I teach it.”

Man: “…”

Friend: *friendly, but wicked smile* “Yes, I’m afraid I’m one of those people teaching the young ones nothing, these days.”

(I work in an office, booking spa days and treatments for a large UK chain.)

Request: “Does [Owner] do the massages? I’d like him to dress up as a crab. I have made an outfit out of heavy-duty rubber and plastic. [Owner] can wear this. There are eyeholes to see out of, and levers and pulleys inside the pincers so that they can be operated. The crab costume is painted professionally in the correct colors so that it will look like an actual crab, albeit a very big one. I will also need three hazelnuts placed on a south facing window-sill during my massage, and the Nicaraguan national anthem playing on a trumpet.”

(Needless to say, they did not get this request!)

(This happens when I am 18 and working part-time in retail. I’m sure you can all guess why I want to get a different job, so I sign on with a temp agency to help me find a full-time admin position. The agency phones me, and we go through my details:)

Staff: “Okay, that’s you loaded onto the system. All I need is for you to come in and meet with one of our consultants.”

Me: “Sure, when can I come in?”

Staff: “How about the day after tomorrow?”

Me: “No problem. I’m available in the morning.”

Staff: “Okay, see you then. Bye!”

Me: “Wait! What time do I show up?”

Staff: “Oh, um… Some time around eleven should be fine.” *click*

(On the day of the meeting, I wear something nice and drive to the next town. I’m there by 10:30, so I decide to kill a bit of time. Various things hold me up, but I think, “No problem; they don’t have a slot booked for me.” It’s 11:15 by the time I get there, and I go to reception and tell them my name.)

Receptionist: “Oh, you’re down as a no-show, as your appointment has passed.”

Me: “Seriously? I wasn’t told what time to come here. The woman I spoke to was about to hang up before I managed to catch her. Then I was told, ‘around 11.’ It’s currently around 11.”

Receptionist: “I don’t know what to say.”

(We rescheduled for the next week, and I left in a foul mood. I made it an hour early the next week — because screw them, that’s why — and everything was fine. Even so, it was no surprise that they didn’t get me a job. A year and a half later, a consultant phoned me to tell me about an amazing opportunity for training and then a nine-to-five job. I put my name down, but he phoned me back a few days later to say I “didn’t make the cut with all the other applicants,” but that he’d keep looking for similar positions. I never heard from that agency again. By this time, I had been made redundant from my retail job, so I signed on with a second agency. They had me working a 36-hour contract six days after I met them.)

(My girlfriend and I have been dating for a little over a year, and she has been pestering me to come with her to London and visit her family during holiday. I’ve done the same, and we’ve been teasing each other to visit our respective families this holidays after we each go home for a few days. We’re both in our second year of university.)

Me: “Hey, babe, I’ve just arrived at the airport. I’ll meet you at baggage!”  

Girlfriend: “Yay, I can’t wait!”  

(What seems like a half hour goes by.)  

Me: “Yo, I just got my bag. Are you parking the car, or…”  

Girlfriend: “Uhh, what’re you on about? I just got my bag!”  

(I am confused, but suddenly realize what has happened!)

Me: “Oh, my word, babe. Are you in Indiana right now?!”  

Girlfriend: “Yeah, why is that so shoc– OH, NO!”  

Me: “Yup, I’m in England. We definitely fudged our surprises up, huh?”  

Girlfriend: “You’ve said it. I’ll head back ASAP. Love you!”  

Me: “Back at you!”  

Girlfriend: *complete and utter silence*  

Me: “Only kidding. I love you, too, gorgeous. I’ll see you soon. Just look for the American waiting for you with the expensive gift!”  

Girlfriend: “Can’t wait!  

(I spent the next few hours scouring the airport for a gift. I ended up greeting her with a pair of earbuds and some candy. We’re meant to be married next month. This happened last Christmas!)