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You No Challenge Tarzan

, , | Right | April 13, 2009

(I often wander around the store with multiple animals to help socialize them. Most often I have a rabbit on one shoulder, a parrot on the other, and a few hamsters at hand. My boss never cares as long as I do my job and don’t hurt anyone. I often get odd looks, though.)

Me: *walking up to customer* “Finding everything all right?”

Customer: “…you’re covered in animals.”

Me: “Yes. Yes, I am.”

Customer: *stares for a moment longer* “…can you get me one of the large cages?”

(I nab a stepladder and get the cage down, managing not to dislodge a single animal on my person.)

Me: *handing customer the cage* “Here you go.”

Customer: *looking disappointed* “Oh.” *wanders away*

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Driving Miss Crazy

, , , | Right | April 13, 2009

(I was coming home on the bus and overheard a conversation between an elderly lady and the bus driver.)

Lady: “Oof! Do you mind?! You’re so awful!”

Bus Driver: “I’m sorry, ma’am? What’s the problem?”

Lady: “You keep starting and stopping the bus! I keep falling forward and backward, and it’s taking so long for me to get home. It’s getting dark!”

Bus Driver: “Well, I’m sorry, ma’am. I have to stop at the designated stops.”

Lady: “Stop making excuses! There’s no reason to be doing this. Just ignore the stops!”

Bus Driver: “So you want me to ignore all the other people wanting to get on the bus?”

Lady: “Well, yes! Finally you understand! You can go back afterwards and get them! Is it so much to ask for good help anymore?!”

Be Careful What You Ask For, Part 4

, , | Right | April 7, 2009

Customer: “Yes, I’ll have a beer and my wife will have a diet cola.”

Me: “Sir, we have over eighty beers to choose from. Did you know which one you wanted? Maybe I can make a suggestion for you.”

Customer: “Just bring me whatever you like.”

Me: *returns with beer* “Here you are, sir.”

Customer: “This isn’t what I ordered! Let me speak to your manager.”

Manager: “Is there a problem?”

Customer: “This little a**hole brought me a beer I didn’t ask for.”

Manager: “What did you order? I’ll go get one for you.”

Customer: “I said to bring me whatever it is he drinks.”

Manager & Me: “…”

Customer: “Oh…”

You Can’t Always Love What You Do

, , , , | Right | April 6, 2009

(While closing up shop alone one night, two gentlemen walked in and the following conversation took place.)

Customer #1: “So, uh… how much experience do you need to groom dogs?”

Me: “Well, none to start out. They start you as a bather, and then after about three months they send you through an academy to learn how to groom dogs.”

Customer #1: “You gotta go to school for this?”

Me: “Yes, it’s actually not as easy as it looks.”

Customer #1: “You make a lot of money?”

Me: “Well, that’s hard to say. We work on commission, so… it just depends on how many dogs you can do in a week.”

Customer #2: “You think if you’ve got a cruelty to animals charge, they’ll let you work here?”

Me: “…no.”

At Least He Can Tell Time

, , , | Right | April 4, 2009

College Student: “Do you have any stamps?”

Me: “No, I’m sorry. This is a library.”

College Student: “But I need to buy some stamps.”

Me: “I can’t help you. We don’t sell stamps in the library. You should try the post office in [college building] tomorrow.”

College Student: “But I need the stamps now. Can’t I just have some stamps?”

Me: “Listen, libraries don’t sell stamps. The post office will sell you stamps tomorrow morning when it opens. But right now, in this building, I can not sell you stamps.”

College Student: “So you’ll sell me stamps tomorrow?”

Me: “Listen, you can’t even mail anything on a Sunday evening. Why don’t you come back later?”

(Not surprisingly, he came back at 8 the next morning demanding stamps.)