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The Smoker Of Two Evils

, , , , , | Learning | April 4, 2013

(The art project for year-eight students at my school is to create a collage out of sweet wrappers. This exchange takes place between my colleague and a particularly troublesome student.)

Teacher: “Have you got your homework for me yet?”

Student: “Yes, sir, but it’s different to what you asked us to do.”

Teacher: “Why? You’ve had long enough to do it, and it’s late. What have you got for me?”

Student: “My mum said I’m not allowed to use sweet wrappers because sweets are bad for you.”

Teacher: “So what did you use instead?”

Student: “Cigarette cartons.”


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Try And Litre Down Gently

, , , | Learning | April 2, 2013

(My sister is at school, struggling to grasp how to convert pints into litres.)

Teacher: “Milk cartons from the supermarket come with both litres and pints marked on the bottles, don’t they?”

Sister: “Yes.”

Teacher: “So when you got to the supermarket, which milk do you pick up?”

Sister: “Semi-skimmed?”

Teacher: *wide-eyed and at a loss for words*


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Donut Underestimate The Sweetness Of Employees

, , | Working | March 15, 2013

(My friend and I are just 6 years old. We’ve found five cents on the ground and go into a takeaway/corner shop to see if they had any lollies (sweets) for that amount.)

My Friend: “Excuse me, do you have anything for five cents here?”

Server: “Hmm, let me see. I think so. Oh, yes, you can have these…”

(He proceeds to give us a bag of four hot donuts.)

Server: “…and you can keep the change.”

(He hands the five cents back to us. 20 years later and I still haven’t forgotten his generosity!)

The Klass Of 2015

, , , , | Learning | March 12, 2013

(I’m working clearing, which is when we take in calls about students who are in their last ditch effort to get into the university.)

Me: “Okay, that’s fine. I’m going to process your application now. Can I please take your first name?”

Student: “Yes. It’s…” *unintelligible speech*

Me: “Can you please spell that for me?”

Student: “Ugh, if I have to. It’s K…” *unintelligible*

Me: “Okay, can you repeat that for me? It starts with K?”

Student: “Yeah, you know. K as in Chicken.”

No Vocation For Location, Part 5

, , , , , | Right | February 24, 2013

(I work at a call center for charities where we call people to confirm their details and thank them for their donations. I have recently moved from South Africa and am still getting used to some of the pronunciations around the UK.)

Me: “Hello, this is Sarah calling on behalf of [Charity]. I believe you spoke to John in Inverness on Saturday. Is that correct?”

(I’ve pronounced it “In-ver-niss” as opposed to “In-ver-ness.”)

Man: “What?! How can you work in a f****** call center and not even know how to pronounce the names?”

Me: “I’m so sorry, sir. I’m not from England so I’m still getting used to all the names.”

Man: “How f****** dare you! I am not from England! I am from Scotland, you dumb b****! They’re different places! How don’t you know that? Didn’t you go to school?!”

Me: “Oh, I’m sorry, sir. I meant to say I’m new to the UK. Some of the names of places are still a bit tricky for me.”

Man: *calmer* “Well, okay, then. Where are you from?”

Me: “Johannesburg in South Africa.”

Man: “Oh, you mean Zimbabwe!”

Me: “No, sir, they’re different countries.”

Man: “They’re the same thing!”


This story is part of our Scotland themed roundup! This is the last story in the roundup, but we have plenty of others you might enjoy!

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Read the next Scotland themed roundup story!

Read the Scotland themed roundup!