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Perhaps You Can Blame A Guy For Trying

, , , | Right | June 1, 2009

(On Tuesdays, we have a buy-one, get-one-free deal on medium pizzas. The day this exchange happened was a Thursday.)

Me: “Welcome to [Pizza Place]. How can I help you?”

Customer: “I’d like a medium pepperoni pizza, please.”

Me: “Okay, then. Can I get you anything else?”

Customer: “Well, I wasn’t here on Tuesday, so I was wondering if I could get my second free pizza today?”

Me: “Well, the deal is only applicable on Tuesdays, so I’m afraid I can’t help you.”

Customer: “Okay, well, I won’t be here next Tuesday, so can I get my free one from then?”

Me: “I’m very sorry, sir, but the deal on is only available on TUESDAYS.”

Customer: “Okay, I’ll be back in a bit to get my pizza.”

(He leaves, then comes back ten minutes later.)

Customer: “So… say I woke up this morning and thought it was Tuesday?”

Me: “…”

Random Acts Of Whininess

, , | Right | May 30, 2009

Customer: “Excuse me, what is that stuff in your Greek salad? Gor-gon-zalla?”

Me: “Gorgonzola. It is a type of cheese.”

Customer: “Oh. Well, can I get a Diet Coke?”

Me: “Sorry, we only have Diet Pepsi.”

Customer: *suddenly angry* “Let me see your manager, NOW!”

(I retreat to the back and send up my manager. He has a three-minute round with the customer. The customer departs, yelling, “I’m gonna sue you and your whole d*** company!” before storming out the door.)

Me: “What was he so mad about?”

Manager: “I was about to ask you the same thing. What did he ask you for?”

Me: “Cheese on our Greek salad and diet soda. What was he talking to you about?”

Manager: “The speed-dating event that was held here last night.”

Driving While Supplemented

, , , , | Legal | May 29, 2009

(While interviewing a man I have just stopped for drunk driving one night…)

Me: “How much did you have to drink?”

Man: “A bottle of wine and a scotch in four hours. I thought I was okay to drive.”

Me: “Are you taking any medication?”

Man: “Well, I just started taking those fish oil capsules.”

Me: “The Omega 3 ones?”

Man: “Yes, those ones.”

Me: “Those are supposed to make you smarter.”

Man: “Yes, they are.”

Me: “Well, I’m sure you can get your money back for them, then.”


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For Everything Else, There’s TasterCard

, , , , | Right | May 25, 2009

Me: “That’s £26.50, please.”

Customer: “Can I pay by card?”

Me: “Sure. Please enter your card into the machine, and then put in your pin code.”

Customer: “Right, are these machines waterproof?”

Me: “I’m sorry, sir?”

Customer: “I wouldn’t get an electric shock from one, would I?”

Me: “Err, no?”

(Suddenly, the customer bends his head down and uses his mouth to cover up the keys. He then uses his tongue to try and push down the numbers of his pin code.)

Me: “Sir, I’m afraid I’m going to have to ask you to stop! That’s incredibly unhygienic.”

Customer: “But it’s the only way to keep it safe!”

Me: “Have you considered covering the keys with your hand instead of your mouth?”

Customer: “Yes, but it’s not as safe!”

Me: “I’m afraid we’re just going to have to risk that. We can’t have you licking our machines.”

Customer: “Bah!”

Stupidity On Tap

, , , , , | Right | May 22, 2009

(I get a phone call at about 8:00 pm on a weeknight. The caller is a young man, and in the background I hear music and hysterical giggling.)

Caller: “What time do y’all close?”

Me: “9 o’clock tonight.”

Caller: “Oh, s***! Umm… okay, can you just ring me up for a keg with my credit card, and then leave it outside?”

Me: “…the keg?”

Caller: “Yeah.”

Me: “No.”

Caller: “What? Why?!”

Me: “…for a variety of reasons.”