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More Clueless Than Keyless

, , , , | Right | May 10, 2008

(After being in the same little hut for 25 years we moved the key shop to a larger, inline store 120 feet away. After moving EVERYTHING except the counters to the new location I am in the old shop getting ready to lock it up until it is torn down.)

(A customer walks in and drops two keys on the counter.)

Customer: “Make me two of each.”

Me: “I am sorry, this location is closed… You have to go to the new key shop over there.”

Customer: “I’m not walking over there. I always get my keys here. Make me two of them.”

Me: “How?”

Customer: “What do you mean, ‘How’?”

Me: “Well, there are no keys blanks on the wall, there are no key machines on the counter, there is no cash register. In fact, there are no light fixtures in the building, the air conditioner is gone, the signs are gone from the roof and the electricity is turned off. This is building is totally empty except for you and me. So how do you expect me to make you four keys?”

Customer: “Ah, where did you say I have to go?”

Tits Hard To Think When The Weather’s Nipply

, , , , | Right | May 9, 2008

Customer: “Can I get a chicken sandwich?”

Me: “Sure. Which bread would you like it on?”

Customer: “Chicken.”

Me: “…Uh, okay, but which bread?”

Customer: “Chicken.”

Me: “Sir, which bread would you like?”

Customer: “CHICKEN!”

Me: *pointing at the bread* “Bread!”

Customer: “Oh, bread! I thought you were saying breast.”

(I don’t know whether to hate my accent or the types of customers we get late at night.)


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By Doing Nothing, The Problem Has Resolved Itself

, | Right | May 5, 2008

(I’m part of a small animation company. One project, in particular, is assigned to me alone, forcing me to deal with two customers. This is a specification nightmare waiting to happen, but I still accept it. This happens at a meeting relatively far along, with work close to being finished.)

Me: “So, that’s the current state. I still have to add in details, but that’s not an issue within the deadline.”

Customer #1: “Looks great to me already. Looking forward to the final product… Just one gripe.”

Me: “Yes?”

Customer #1: “The animation runs too slowly.”

(I’m confused, as I made it pretty fast already. [Customer #2] pipes up.)

Customer #2: “What? No! It is way too fast!”

(I try to interrupt the beginning squabble, but am not successful. The two customers squabble for a full fifteen minutes whether it is too slow or too fast.)

Me: “Excuse me?”

Customer #1 & #2: *still squabbling*

Me: “Excuse me! I’ve got another meeting in fifteen, so may I make a suggestion?”

Customer 1 & 2: *simultaneously* “Yes?”

Me: “How about we compromise and leave the speed as it is?”

(The looks the two of them exchanged were golden, as if that thought had never crossed their mind. It’s one of those rare cases I got it my way…)


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Last Line Says It All

, , | Right | April 30, 2008

Customer: “My computer won’t do anything.”

Me: “Okay, can you try rebooting it?”

Customer: “You want me to turn off my mouse?”

Me: “No, I want you to reboot your computer.”

Customer: “You want me to turn off my monitor?”

Me: “Um, no. I want you to reboot your computer, the tower.

Customer: “Which one is that?”

Me: “The big box on the ground… the thing you put CDs into.”

Customer: “Oh, okay hang on… it’s still not working.”

Me: “Okay, what’s it doing?”

Customer: “It’s asking me to put in my password but nothing’s working.”

Me: “Hmm, do you have a wireless keyboard and mouse?”

Customer: “How can I tell?”

Me: “Pick up your keyboard.”

Customer: “Okay.”

Me: “Do you see a cable attached to it?”

Customer: “No.”

Me: “Okay, you have a wireless keyboard. Try replacing the batteries. Is your mouse working?”

Customer: “How can I tell?”

Me: “When you move the mouse do you see the cursor move?”

Customer: “No, I just see an arrow move.”

Me: “Well then, your mouse is working.”

(Real Estate agents, possibly the dumbest users on earth.)

In That Case, Replace Them Daily

, , , | Right | April 25, 2008

Customer: “Could you check my brakes and see if they are bad?”

Coworker: “Of course. Which vehicle is yours?”

Customer: “Oh, I walked here.”

Coworker: “Okay, well we can’t check your brakes if the car isn’t here.”

Customer: “I told you I walked here. I just want to know if I need new brakes.”

Coworker: “I can’t tell you that unless I actually see the vehicle.”

Customer: “Can’t you just tell me if I need new brakes for my car? It’s a Mercedes if that helps at all.”

Coworker: “Like I said, I need to see the car to tell you if you need new brakes.”

Customer: “Okay, so can you tell me if my brakes are bad?”

Me: “We physically need the car here in front of us so we can look at the brakes with our own eyes and determine if they are bad or not.”

Customer: “It’s a Mercedes.”


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