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Life Before Google Street Views

, , , , | Right | July 3, 2008

(I work in an insurance agency in the middle of a downtown shopping district. A customer called and asked to be transferred to the agent with the desk by the window.)

Me: “Hi, this is [My Name] speaking. Can I get your last name, please?”

Customer: “It’s Clark, but what do you need that for?”

Me: “Well, each agent deals with a different segment of the alphabet, so clients with last names beginning with A-H go to Joan. I will need to transfer you.”

Customer: “Does Joan have a desk by the window?”

Me: “Uh… no, ma’am, but she will have all of your files. If you can hold for a moment, I will transfer you.”

Customer: “Well, I don’t want to talk to Joan. I want to talk to you. You are the one who sits near the window, aren’t you?”

Me: “Yes, but as I said–”

Customer: “Look, I don’t want to talk to anyone but you! Joan doesn’t sit near the window, so she can’t help me. I need to talk to someone who has a view of the street.”

Me: “Um, okay–”

Customer: “Now if you are done, would you please tell me what the name of the curtain shop across the street from you is called?”

Me: “Huh? Uh, Country Curtains.”

Customer: “Thank you. Now that wasn’t so hard, was it?” *hangs up*

Me: “…”

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Oral Fixations, The Later Years

, , , , | Right | July 3, 2008

(A customer takes a free sample from a barrel marked “FREE DOG BISCUITS”.)

Woman: “Are these free?”

Me: “Yes, those are free samples.”

Woman: “What are they?” *rips package open*

Me: “Those are dog biscuits, ma’am.”

Woman: *takes a bite of the DOG BISCUITS* “These are the worst cookies I’ve ever tasted!”

Me: “No doubt…”


This story is part of the Free-Sample Station roundup!

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Posted: Picky Procrastinator Prefers Plethora of Paraphernalia

, , | Right | July 2, 2008

Me: “Welcome to [Store], ma’am! Is there anything I can help you find?”

Customer: “Do you have any glass candle holders?”

Me: “Of course! What kind were you looking for?”

Customer: “Oh, nothing in particular. Could you bring me a selection? The kids are kinda cranky and I need to get some towels.”

Me: “Here’s about eight different kinds.”

Customer: “Don’t you have anything tall and thin? I need something about six inches high.”

Me: “Two of these are over six inches…”

Customer: “Those are too plain. Can I get something with a floral pattern? Etched on the glass, I mean. ”

Me: “This one has an etched vine design on it.”

Customer: “Oh, that one’s too expensive. It needs to be under five dollars.”

Me: “I found a style that fits your description, ma’am.”

Customer: “Great! How many of them do you have?”

Me: “Well, it was in the clearance section, which means that more than five could be difficult to find. How many do you need?”

Customer: “Five hundred.”

Me: “Um… I don’t think we have five hundred of ANYTHING in stock. We don’t deal in high volume. I can order five hundred of this item for you, though, and have them delivered to your house.”

Customer: “How long would that take?”

Me: “For an older item like this, and with that high a number, it will probably take the full two weeks specified in our shipping guarantee. We’ll need to get them from multiple locations.”

Customer: “Oh. I need them by tomorrow. ”

Me: “What…?”

Customer: “It’s a big charity event I’m hosting, and I need five hundred identical glass candle holders by tomorrow. Plus you do free gift wrapping, and I figured I could save some money there. I wanted ones like I saw in another store but I guess you just don’t have a very good selection.”

Me: “Not if you need five hundred of them at once!”

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Mr. Anal And Mrs. Retentive Go To Scotland

, , , , | Right | June 30, 2008

(A South American customer and his wife are browsing in a souvenir shop where I work; note that it’s located in Scotland.)

Customer: “Hey, why do you have mugs here with England written on them? I’m not in England… Why would I buy a souvenir mug with the English flag on it?”

Me: “Well, you don’t have to buy an England one. We have plenty of mugs with Scotland written on them, too.”

Customer: “I can see that! I’m not stupid!”

Me: “I didn’t mean to imply you were, sir.”

Customer: “Well, you did. I just wonder why the h*** anyone would want to buy a knick-knack from a country that has a different country’s name on it. What’s the point?”

Me: “I really don’t know what to tell you. We’ve just always stocked those mugs.”

Customer: “I don’t see the point.” *calls to his wife, who comes over*

Customer: “There are England mugs in a Scotland shop!”

Customer’s Wife: “Wow, that’s really f***ing stupid. What’s the point? Ask the girl.”

Customer: “She doesn’t know. This is so stupid.”

Customer’s Wife: “She’s stupid. ”

(His wife puts down the Loch Ness Monster teddy she is holding and walks out of the shop. He turns back to me.)

Customer: “You should know things like that. You do work here. What’s the point?!”


This story is part of our Scotland themed roundup!

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Never Smart: Biting The Hand That Makes Your Coffee

, , , | Right | June 29, 2008

Customer: “I want a coffee.”

Me: “What sort of coffee can I get for you, sir?”

Customer: “Just black coffee.”

Me: “Would you like drip coffee or an Americano, sir?”

Customer: “Don’t make it so BLOODY COMPLICATED! Just get me a coffee! And don’t try to sell me them fancy things like sprinkles, neither!”

(My coworker and I stifle our laughter as I silently ring up the largest size of the most expensive ‘black’ coffee.)

Customer: “That’s better. No more of your lip!”

Coworker: *laughs out loud*

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