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Not What I Fought You Were Saying

, , , , | Right | October 2, 2018

(I work in a DVD store. While I’m stocking shelves one day, two teenagers come in and immediately approach me. I have only been working here for a couple of months, so I’m still not particularly confident or experienced in dealing with unusual requests. Note: here in the UK, some people do not pronounce their “th” sounds correctly, instead pronouncing them as “f.”)

Customer #1: “‘Scuse me, y’got any four films?”

Me: “I’m sorry?”

Customer #1: “Four. Four movies.”

Me: “Oh. Are you looking for a box set?”

Customer #1: “A four box set, if you got one.”

Me: “Um… we’ve got The Fantastic Four, if that’s what—”

Customer #1: *now irate* “Nah! Four! The superhero movies!”

Me: “I’m sorry, I don’t—”

Customer #2: *impatient* “He’s looking for Thor. Y’know. Him with the big hammer?”

Me: “Oh, Thor! Yes, we have it right over here…”

(Both of them stared at me like I was a complete moron.)

Furnishing Their Futures

, , , , | Right | October 1, 2018

(Our government can take money from a customer’s welfare money to pay for child maintenance. It’s usually a nominal charge of a few pounds.)

Caller: *angry and shouting throughout call* “Why am I being charged for children’s furniture?”

Me: “Excuse me?”

Caller: “You are taking money out of my benefit to pay for furniture. I haven’t had furniture from you and I don’t want to give anything to charity.”

Me: “I am sorry; I don’t know what you’re talking about. We don’t take money for any furniture. Are you sure the charge has come from us? Where have you seen this charge?”

Caller: “It’s on my award letter. You are taking money for a child furniture scheme!”

Me: “No, that’s, ‘child future scheme.’”

Caller: “Oh.” *hangs up*

Not Very Charitable Expectations

, , | Right | October 1, 2018

(I work in a charity shop. A customer approaches me and simply says the name of a band that I’ve never heard of.)

Me: “Pardon?”

Customer: “Do you have any [Band] CDs?”

Me: “I don’t think so.”

Customer: “But it’s Wednesday.”

Me: *pause* “Yes, it is.”

Customer: “You said you were getting some more in on Wednesday.”

Me: “We do get new stock in on Wednesdays, but we’ve just finished sorting through this week’s delivery, and I definitely don’t remember seeing anything by them.”

(Again, I work in a charity shop. Our only stock is from donations and deliveries from other shops. I’d never seen him before, and I’ve no idea which of my colleagues told him about our Wednesday deliveries, but he seemed completely baffled by the fact that we don’t control what people choose to donate to us.)

It’s A Crazy Dating World Out There

, , , | Romantic | October 1, 2018

(I am talking with my cousin about her upcoming tenth anniversary.)

Me: “It’s so great that you’ve managed to last so long in a happy marriage.”

Cousin: “Well, it’s God’s blessing.” *pauses* “But it’s better than [Workmate]. She tried to go on a date with someone I hooked her up with.”

Me: “What happened?”

Cousin: “Well, the first few dates went okay with him, but when she asked if he would be comfortable with having sex, he just said, ‘How do I know you won’t call the police afterward and say I raped you?'”

Me: *a little taken aback* “What?”

Cousin: *shrugging* “That was her reaction, too. She told me, as well. [Another Workmate] is his sister and said that when he goes on blind dates or even spends a long time with a woman, he wears a homemade chastity belt.”

(I am really glad I’m already married.)

The Doctor’s Prognosis Is Dislocated From The Truth

, , , , , , , | Healthy | October 1, 2018

This tale’s from a few years ago, and will need a little backstory. I have a multi-systemic collagen defect disorder called hypermobile Ehlers-Danlos syndrome. To explain it in detail would take all night; suffice it to say that my joints dislocate very easily and, though I’ve learned to put them back by myself, there are some I just can’t fix unaided, the wrist of my dominant hand being one of these, for obvious reasons. Bear in mind, too, that dislocations — whether full or partial — hurt. A lot.

One evening, housesitting for a friend on the other side of my city, feeding her cats, I somehow managed to pop my right wrist half out of place. I knew it was out, and I was alone in the house, but — luckily, thought I — the nearest hospital was just over the road. I necked a dose of my usual liquid morphine, grabbed my walking stick left-handed, and headed over to Accident & Emergency.

It was quiet, so I was seen in about thirty minutes and sent for an x-ray, as per routine. When my x-ray was done, though, the doctor on duty left me to sit — on a hard, plastic chair in a cubicle, that was not helping my general chronic pain, while my morphine slowly wore off — for three hours.

After those long three hours, he finally bothered to come to me, and insisted, in the most supercilious, maddening way possible, that my wrist was fine, that the x-ray showed nothing, and that I should go home. I argued with him for a minute, but gave up. Words weren’t going to get through; that much was clear.

I sighed. Then, I asked him to humour me for a moment and get a firm grip of the hand on my injured arm. He did, not looking too pleased about it.

I yanked my arm back against his hold, hard. I could hear the crack as my wrist went back into its proper position, and so did he. The look on his face was an absolute picture.

I’ve never been back to that hospital since. And if I have my way about it, I never will!