(It’s a busy but fairly normal shift. After a mad rush of customers it quietens down, and a man in his twenties comes to my till with a “selfie phone case.”)

Me: “That’s £12.99 for that, please.”

(He places two £1 coins and a few 20p coins on the counter. I count them out and look at him expectantly. After a few moments I realise he isn’t going to get out an extra £10.)

Me: “Sorry, it’s £12.99.”

(He still looks gone-out, and then seems to realise he hasn’t got enough.)

Customer: “What am I supposed to do, then?”

Me: “Do you have any extra cash or a debit card?”

(The man ignores me and turns instead to a customer just passing.)

Customer: “Have you got 10p?”

Passing Customer: “What?”

Customer: “I need 10p!”

Passing Customer: “Sorry.”

(The customer leaves, looking baffled.)

Me: “It’s ten pounds, sir.”

(An elderly lady has just joined the queue. He turns to her, instead.)

Customer: “Got £10?”

Elderly Lady: “Pardon?”

Customer: “Can I have £10?”

(Understandably, the lady is looking a little intimidated and confused.)

Me: “I’m sorry, sir, you can’t ask other customers to give you the cash. I can save the item for you behind the till until you do have the money, if you prefer.”

Customer: “Okay. I’ll sort something out.”

(He went, and I apologised to the elderly lady. The man returned about fifteen minutes later, but went to a colleague, and this time he bought a pack of chocolate. I still don’t know why he expected other customers to give him the money, and I don’t know why he thought £3 was enough to pay for something worth £12.99 in the first place. It was clearly labelled on the product and the shelf!)

(I am serving a woman buying lightbulbs and other electrical bits and pieces. NOTE: We do not sell non-electrical related hardware.)

Customer: *as I finish the sale and hand her the items* “Thank you very much. Oh! You don’t sell [type of flask that keeps hot things hot and cold things cold], do you?”

(I look at my manager, a surprised look on my face. He returns the look.)

Me: “No, sorry, we just do electricals. You would need to go to [Hardware Store across the road] for that.”

Customer: “That’s okay, I’m going there anyway; just thought I’d ask here!”

(I don’t get why she asked us if she was going to the other shop anyway!)

(I am working in a store popular with teenagers. It’s a busy weekday, and I’m in the back room eating my dinner. Just as I’m finishing up, there’s a knock at the door.)

Boss: “[My Name], are you almost done?”

Me: “Sure thing, [Boss], what do you need?”

Boss: “[Coworker] and I need to sit these two shoplifters in here while we wait for the police. Can you watch the front?”

Me: “Will do!”

(The boss and my coworker take two teenagers into the break room. I head out to the front, run the shop, show the police through on their arrival, etc. Our till is by the window, and there are two expensive-looking bikes parked outside. After a while, two other teenagers come along and ride the bikes away. A little while later, the police escort two handcuffed teenagers from the back room. As they leave…)

Shoplifter: “Where the f*** are our bikes?!”

(My husband and I are customers in this story.)

Cashier: “Crisps or cookie with your sandwich?”

Me: “A white chocolate and macadamia cookie, please.”

Cashier: “Okay, but just to make sure, you are aware that it has nuts right?”

Husband: “Yes? How many people don’t know that the cookie with macadamia nuts in it contains nuts?”

Cashier: “You’d be surprised.”

(I am at a theme park attempting to get on a Disk’O ride. The ride restraints on this ride are automatic and come up from the bottom of the seat at the back and rest on the riders’ backs to fasten them into the motorcycle position. We are called off the ride after the restraints are pulled up and released, and I have the following conversation with a staff member:)

Me: “This is what happens when you have GLaDOS in control of the restraints.”

Worker: “GLaDOS? We’re not Aperture Science; our funding methods are much more dubious!”