(We run an adults-only holiday services. We’ve got many packages and advertise ourselves very clearly as such. No kids allowed. If people call in asking about bringing their children along, we usually give them the numbers of several family-friendly travel services that offer resorts near to ours. Most customers thank us for this. This one, however…)

Caller: “I want to book [holiday package] for [dates].”

Me: “How many people is this for?”

Caller: “Two adults and two children under the age of ten.”

Me: “Oh, sorry, none of our holiday packages accommodate children. For family holidays, can I recommend—”

Caller: “Shut up! We want to go to your resort!”

Me: “We offer adults-only destinations, so I’m afraid you will not be able to travel there with your children. There is a resort nearby that is very good and is family friendly, and I can give you the number for the travel agent—”

Caller: “SHUT UP! I KNOW THIS! I know it’s adults-only; that’s why we want to go!”

Me: “Then you understand you cannot bring your children along?”

Caller: “NO, YOU DUMB B****! That’s why we want to go! We want a nice quiet family holiday without other people’s screaming brats ruining it!”

Me: “I’m sorry, we cannot book children into this resort. The one nearby that does accept children is—”

Caller: “WELL, THEN, JUST BOOK ME AND MY HUSBAND! We’ll just turn up with the kids, as well! What would you do, then, huh? You’d have to let them stay! You couldn’t leave children on their own!”

Me: “The resort would simply not let you in, and would probably direct you to the family one nearby.”

Caller: “AND IF WE DON’T WANT TO GO THERE?! Huh? You going to throw us onto the next plane back home?”

Me: “Not personally, no, but they might.”

Caller: “Book it for me and my husband, then. We’ll just get the kids there ourselves.”

Me: “I’m not booking this for you. Our holidays are for people with no children to destinations where there will be no children.”

Caller: “Pfft, right. What kind of adult doesn’t have kids?”

Me: “Me, my husband, and most of the staff here.”

Caller: *hangs up*

(I left a note on the computer system stating to be very careful if that caller tried to book a holiday with us, since they’d threatened to drag their kids along, too. Seriously, though, who books their kids onto an international flight knowing they haven’t booked accommodation for them at the other end?!)

(I am working away putting stock out when a customer pops up behind me.)

Customer: “Do you know if TK Maxx is open today?”

(TK Maxx sells completely different stuff to my shop and is on the other side of the city in a completely different place.)

Me: “Erm, no…”

Customer: “No, it’s not open, or no, you don’t know ?”

Me: “Well, I don’t work there so I wouldn’t know…”

(She turned and walked away with a huff. Maybe she thought all retail workers have some kind of hive mind?)

(A customer comes to the drive-thru at a time we would class as off-peak, where there are only three of us plus a manager in, and everything is made to order. Generally we manage fine and only get very small lines of customers who don’t mind waiting once they know it’s all fresh.)

Customer #1: “I want seven boxes of twenty chicken nuggets, and fifteen burgers — two with extra cheese, five without pickles — and fifteen packets of fries, but I want three of them unsalted.”

Me: *struggling to keep up with the demands* “Okay, your total is [total]. Drive to the first window to pay, please.”

(They pull up to the window. I explain that it’s going to take a while to prepare the order, so I ask them to park up and tell them that I will bring it out to them when it’s done.)

Customer #1: “Oh, it’s fine. I’ll just wait here.”

Me: “No, really I am happy to bring it out for you. If anyone else has a basic order like a drink, it means we can serve them and let them on their way while we wait for your food to cook.”

Customer #1: “Nope. You just focus on getting my order done, buddy. I’ll move when I have my order.”

(I walk away, as they obviously aren’t going to move, so I try to muck in and get the order done as quickly as possible. Much to my annoyance, we suddenly get a long line of cars pulling up outside, going all the way around our restaurant. More orders come in while we are stuck, unable to serve people behind with orders for drinks, desserts, and basic sandwiches that can be made up so quickly. Eleven minutes later, we finally have everything made up and send them on their way.)

Customer #2: *shakes head* “What was that all about? I could hear them yelling impatiently from back there!”

Me: “Yeah, sorry for your wait there. Just dealing with a big order.” *hands them their order* “Here is your order. Would you like any sauces with that?”

Customer #2: “These fries are soggy. I want new ones.”

Me: “Sorry about that. I’ll get some new ones put in for you now. Would you like a free drink while you wait? Then, if you could just park up there, that would be great, and I’ll bring it right out to you.”

Customer #2: “It’s fine; I’ll just wait here.”

Me: *screams internally*

(I worked here for a year, and two years before that in retail. Between the two jobs, I must have lost about ten years from my life expectancy with stress and despair. On my next shift, I walked in and presented my manager with a letter of resignation, and promised myself I would never work in a customer-facing role again.)

(I am the last person serving at my cinema before close. An obviously drunk guy comes in with his girlfriend to buy a load of tickets to our final show of the night.)

Me: “Okay, that comes to [price]. Can I get you anything else?”

Customer: “You could give me a discount on the tickets.”

Me: “Oh, did you have some of the [vouchers given to customers with tickets that can be redeemed for money off their next purchase]?”

Customer: “No, but you’re going to take some off the book and backdate the stamp for me.”

Me: “No, I’m not. That’s strongly against our policy.”

Customer: “But a girl did it before!”

(This argument goes on for a while before he finally gives up, swears at me, and demands a large popcorn.)

Girlfriend: “Uh, can I have a Coke, too, please?”

Me: “Sure.”

Customer: “Better make that a diet! Have you seen the size of her?”

(The girl is maybe a UK size 14 at a push — hardly fat, not that it would have made it any better if she had been. Regardless, her face falls and she stares at the ground.)

Me: “Did you want a regular coke?”

Girlfriend: *sadly* “No… He’s right. I better get the diet, I guess.”

(I poured her a regular and popped the diet sign on the lid. She took a sip and smiled at me, but cuddled up to him, anyway. His group showed up shortly after and they all went into the theatre together, of course leaving all their crap behind afterwards. I hope that girl came to her senses and got away from that eventually.)

(I am driving with a colleague to a work location some 180 miles away from our normal office. About 100 miles into the journey, we are driving along a dual-carriageway with a national speed limit; I am admittedly speeding about ten miles an hour over it. Glancing in my rear view mirror I see a police car behind us. I realise I’m about to get pulled over, so I ask my friend to get my license out of my purse. Sure enough, he flashes his lights and pulls me over as soon as we approach a wide strip of road.)

Officer: “Do you know why I pulled you over?”

Me: “Yes, sir, I was speeding.”

Officer: *surprised* “Well, your speed wasn’t ideal, but I pulled you over because your car isn’t insured.”

(I am immediately both confused and horrified.)

Me: “What? That can’t be. It should be insured; I got it sorted out a week or so ago.”

(Suddenly something clicks in my mind.)

Me: “Wait, it switched over today! I moved it to a new insurance company, and they said it can sometimes take 24 hours for the database to update.”

Officer: *disbelieving tone* “So, who did you take your insurance out with?”

Me: “I took it out with [Insurance Company only available to members of the police and their families].”

(The officers eyes go wide as he takes my insurance details and heads back to his cruiser. My colleague and I talk about how mad this is, and I fret about my car getting towed when we are in the middle of nowhere. Eventually the officer comes back.)

Officer: “I’m so sorry for the trouble, ma’am; I can confirm the car is insured. We have to check everyone when we see it comes up as uninsured. I hope you understand.”

Me: “Oh, of course I do! I would much rather you pull people and catch the ones without!”

Officer: “Well, I have delayed your journey and I’m sorry for that; is there anything I can do?”

Me: “Oh, no. We have another hour left to go yet, and we left plenty of time in our journey. Thanks, though!”

(With that, he goes back to the car and we leave. My colleague jokes that we should have asked him to escort us the rest of the way, but I just smile back at him.)

Me: “Nah, to be honest I’m just glad he forgot I was speeding and didn’t give me a ticket!”