Resistance Is Futile

, , , | Right | May 17, 2008

(A woman is filling out a library card application.)

Librarian: “Ma’am, I need your middle name, as well.”

Woman: “Why?”

Librarian: “We have a lot of duplicate entries, so we’re required to ask for middle names now.”

Woman: “I don’t want to give you my middle name.”

Librarian: “Ma’am, I already have your social security number. Giving me your middle name won’t hurt.”

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Like Son, Like Father

, , , | Right | May 16, 2008

(I bring a couple and their child place settings and a colouring mat for the six-year-old.)

Me: “Hi, can I get you guys started with something to drink?”

Father: “Sure, I’ll have a Pepsi, and bring me another one of those placemats. I like to colour while I wait.”

Me: *laughs* “You and the boy are going to have a bit of a contest, eh?

(I obviously thought he was making a joke.)

Father: *agitated* “Yeah, is that a problem?”

Me: “Uh, not at all sir… would you like Barney the dinosaur or Spongebob?”

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Cumulative IQ: Two. And A Half.

, , , | Right | May 15, 2008

(I approached a youngish looking husband/wife couple checking out our bedroom furniture to see if they needed any help.)

Wife: *pointing to a headboard* “Do you have this in stock?”

Me: “Give me just one minute, and I can go check that for you.”

Husband: “But before you do that, what is it?”

Wife: “I was wondering that too.”

Me: “It’s a headboard.”

Husband: “But what IS it?”

Me: “It’s a headboard. For your bed. You attach it to the top.”

Wife: “But what does it do?”

Me: “It makes your bed look nice.”

Wife: “But does it DO anything?”

Me: “Makes your bed look pretty?”

Husband: “But WHY?”

Me: “Some people like the added touch.”

Wife: “But why should WE buy it?”

Me: “If you think it would look nice in your room, then it would be a great addition to your decor.”

Wife: “You still haven’t told me what it does.”

Me: “Um, it helps your bed match the color scheme of your room.”

Husband: “What’s a color scheme?”

Wife: “Does that have something to do with carpets?”

Me: “Um…kind of. Carpets, curtains, bedspread, furniture. People generally like them to match. The overall color is called the color scheme.”

Wife: “Oh. I had heard of that, but no one ever told me what it was.”

Husband: “So we would need a real bed for this?”

Me: “Well what do you have?”

Husband: “A futon.”

Me: “A headboard wouldn’t work with that.”

Wife: “So I can’t get this?”

Me: “Well you could, but you wouldn’t be able to use it with your bed.”

Wife: “Why not?”

Me: “It only attaches to a regular mattress bed frame.”

Wife: “Oh. But what does it do?”

Me: “Let me go find someone that can better help you.”

(I ran off to find my manager because I couldn’t contain the laughter anymore. It took her 15 minutes to explain to them what exactly a headboard was, and why you couldn’t use it with a futon. We’re pretty sure they still didn’t really get it.)

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Spontaneous Customer Combustion

, , | Right | May 15, 2008

Me: “Hi! Welcome to [Store], how may I help you today?”

Caller: “Do you take credit cards? My husband has a huge party coming up. I need a basket immediately, the biggest you have.”

(I ring her up and then ask for her credit card number. I also ask for the CVV code on the back of her card. Big. Effing. Mistake.)

Caller: “Excuse me, you want my what now?”

Me: “Your CVV code, ma’am. The three-or-four-digit code on the back of–”

Caller: “I KNOW what a CVV code is, d**nit! I’m not giving it to you!”

Me: “Ma’am, I’m sorry, but it’s company policy. I can assure you–”

Caller: “I am NOT giving you my code! Get me your manager!”

Me: “Ma’am, I swear, it’s policy–”

Caller: *Shrieking now* “You rotten children are just trying to ROB ME! GET ME YOUR MANAGER! NOW!”

(I get my manager.)

Manager: “Hello, can I help you?”

Caller: “You’re a bunch of thieves! No one asks for a CVV code nowadays! My husband has had dealings with the LIKES OF YOU!”

(At this point, she’s yelling so loudly that she’s audible to other employees in the room.)

Manager: “Miss, I–”

Caller: *does something inaudible*

Fellow Employee: “What just happened?”

Manager: *staring at the phone* “I think she just broke her phone.”

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Vague Question, Meet Vague Answer

, , , | Right | May 14, 2008

Me: “Can I help you?”

Customer: “I’m looking for non-fiction.”

Me: “What kind?”

Customer: “Just non-fiction.”

Me: “Okay… do you want history? Or science? Psychology? Business?”

Customer: “No, just NON-FICTION!”

Me: “Ma’am, most of the store is non-fiction. You’ll have to be more specific.”

Customer: “Don’t you get it? I just want some non-fiction!”

Me: “All right. Do you see over there, where it says ‘Fiction?'”

Customer: “Yes.”

Me: “All the books but those. Good luck.”

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