The Only Thing That Didn’t Arrive Is Your Brain

, , , | Right | August 15, 2008

Me: “Hello, I see you opened a PayPal dispute for this item. It looks like your item was delivered, as shown by the delivery confirmation number. ”

Customer: “I would like a refund. This item didn’t arrive in a timely manner.”

Me: “All custom orders, like your ring, are shipped to be received within fourteen business days from the date of purchase. It looks like your item arrived a day or so outside of that timeline. I’m sorry it was delayed in transit, but I’m happy that it wasn’t lost in the mail and did arrive safely! If you have any further questions, I’d be happy to help.”

Customer: “This didn’t arrive in a timely matter. I’d like a refund.”

Me: “If you’d like to return the ring, you can do so within seven days from the date you received your purchase. If you wish to do so, please return the ring to the address on the package, and please include the receipt.”

Customer: “I’d like a refund for this item because it didn’t arrive in a timely manner. I like the ring; I just want a refund.”

Me: “I’d be happy to accept a return on this item. Please send it, as I mentioned above, to the address on the package within the next 7 days.”

Customer: “I like the ring. I just want a refund.”

Me: “I’m sorry, I can’t issue a refund unless you send back the ring.”

Customer: “But it didn’t arrive in a timely manner.”

Me: “I’m very sorry you’re unhappy with the length of time the USPS took to deliver your package. I’m more than happy to issue a refund for your purchase price if you send the ring back to me.”

Customer: “I want to keep the ring, and I want a refund. It didn’t arrive in a timely manner.”

Me: *wants to die*

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Don’t Let The Door Hit You On The Way Out

, , , | Right | August 15, 2008

(I’m a liquor store owner. A teenager grabs a couple of beer bottles and proceeds to the counter to purchase the beer.)

Me: “May I see your ID?”

Customer: “What?”

Me: “I don’t sell alcohol to people without IDs.”

Customer: “But I’m eighteen! I’m allowed to buy beer!”

Me: “Sorry, but its the law. No ID, no beer.”

Customer: “F*** you! F*** this government! Can’t a man just buy and enjoy their beer anymore?”

Me: “Look, all you have to do is flash your ID and you can buy all the beer you want. Now, can I see your d*** ID?”

Customer: “No, you listen to me! I didn’t drive all the way here to be treated like this. Back then, trust was enough to keep things rolling, but now everyone thinks everyone is a liar! This country is a f****** dump! Do I look twelve to you? I’m telling you, I’m 18 and I’m allowed to buy beer, and…” *rants on and on*

Me: “Get out of my store.”

Customer: “Excuse me?!”

Me: “Oh I’m sorry. Where are my manners? Get the f*** out of my store!”

Customer: “I’m never coming here again!”

Me: “Now you’re getting the idea!”

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Confessions Of A Teenage Bagger

, , | Right | August 14, 2008

(I’m a 17-year-old bag boy at a local grocer. I’m finishing up an order when the customer, a middle-aged woman, walks uncomfortably close to me and stares at my curly hair.)

Me: “How are you doing this evening, ma’am?”

Customer: “I love your hair.”

Me: “Uh… thanks. I kind of hate it, to be honest.”

Customer: “I just want to go barefooted and romp around in it like I was in a meadow.”

Me: “…have a good day, ma’am.”

Customer: “Bye!”

(She winked. I shuddered.)

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Simple Coke For Simple Folk

, , , , , | Right | August 8, 2008

Customer: “Excuse me, miss, but what is in your blackcurrant tea?”

Me: “Oh, it’s just blackcurrant tea.”

Customer: “But what’s in it?”

Me: “Dried blackcurrant tea leaves.”

Customer: “But what’s in it?”

Me: “Black. Currant. Tea.”

Customer: “But you aren’t telling me what’s in it!”

Me: “Ma’am, the tea distributors pluck leaves from a blackcurrant plant. Then, they dry them out, and package them. Then, we pour hot water over the tea leaves, which infuses the hot water with the flavor of the tea.”

Customer: “But what’s in it?”

(My boss comes over.)

Boss: “Ma’am, would you like a Coke?”

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If No Scone, Then Insta-Crone

, , | Right | August 6, 2008

Customer: “I would like a tall coffee and a lemon cranberry scone, please.”

Me: “I’m sorry, I just sold the last scone to another customer. Would you like a pumpkin scone or a white chocolate blueberry scone instead?”

Customer: “What? No! I come here every morning and get a tall coffee and scone! I DEMAND you get me a scone! Look in the backroom, I need my scone!”

(I go to the backroom to check for a scone, although I knew we didn’t have any.)

Me: “I’m sorry, we just don’t have any more lemon scones. Would you like anything else from the pastry fridge?”

Customer: “I can’t believe you sold my scone to someone else! You ruined my morning!”

Me: “There is another location near here… maybe they will have a scone for you. I can even call them if you want so they can set it aside for yo–”

Customer: “Do you think I have time for that? I run on a schedule!”

(The customer who had bought the last scone notices the situation and comes over.)

Nice customer: “Listen, if you want the scone so bad, just take mine. Seriously I didn’t even touch it… just take it.”

Customer: “NO, THANK YOU!” *storms off*

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