My ex-husband was picking the kids up for his fortnightly weekend with them when he told me that he and his fiancée had broken up — right before Christmas. The problem with this was that her mum was already due to stay with them Christmas Eve so he had to share a bed with his now-ex, while her mum had the sofa.

He said he didn’t know how well he was going to sleep and he wasn’t looking forward to it. Without thinking I ‘joked’ that he’d managed to share a bed with me, knowing he was going to try and throw me out and survived. His face was a picture and a little part of me smiled inside.

(I work for a company that makes electronic toys under license and sells only to retailers. Our biggest products are very famous and attract a wide range of people from children to adults, but also a surprising number of people with… problems of one sort or another, who seem adept at finding our telephone number. It’s getting near Christmas and we’ve just hired a temporary member of staff to help with the rush. The phone rings and she answers.)

Temp: “Uh huh. Yeah, I see. Can I pass you on to—“

(She looks appalled. I stand up from my desk.)

Temp: “Um, I don’t think… No, we don’t…”

(I go to take the phone from her.)

Temp: “NO! CERTAINLY NOT! Wait… did you just… Oh, my god, he did. UGH!”

(She slams the phone down.)

Me: “I’m sorry, we should’ve warned you. We get these types of call now and again.”

Temp: “But he was doing it while talking about [Toy Product]! That’s DISGUSTING!”

Me: “Yeah, kinda. It happens. He’s done it on me, too. Are you okay? Do you want a break? Or do you need to go home?”

Temp: “I… I think I’ll just go wash my hands, if that’s okay?”

Me: “Off you pop.”

(She never came back. Somehow I don’t blame her.)

(This happened a few years back. Two of my teeth had cracked and gone completely rotten and required removal. I was put under anesthetic and had the operation. Just after I woke up…)

Me: *pokes holes in mouth* “What… What? Where’re my teeth?”

Nurse: “You just had an operation to remove them.”

Me: *pokes mouth* “What? No… No, I didn’t. I was shopping… Yeah…”

(A bit of a pause. To check my jaw, she makes me bite a bit of cotton.)

Me: “I want my teeth back, please.”

Nurse: “Don’t worry; we have them in a little packet.”

Me: “No… No! I WANT YOU TO PUT MY TEETH BACK!”

Nurse: “I’m afraid that’s impossible. They’re all broken.”

Me: “PUT THEM BACK!” *sits up, throws the cotton at the wall, and then starts crying for no particular reason* “They were killed too soon!”

Nurse: “Don’t worry; they went out bravely.”

Me: “Yeah… The funeral will be so sad… They were so brave! Rest in shade… No… peas… peace!”

(I look at the nurse.)

Me: “Your eyes… Why are they blue? How does it work? They are very blue. Did anyone ever say your eyes are blue? Why are they blue?”

(I don’t remember any of this, but my dad was there and told me the whole thing once the anesthetic wore off. I felt so mortified!)

Back when I worked as an IT technician in a factory, I had a female colleague who worked as one of our factory technicians. She was a very good technician — highly capable. Part of her job involved spending a lot of time working with a particular system that formed a core part of our production line. She became very competent with this system, and so became our go-to person if we had any issues.

One day she got word that management was doing an internal trawl to recruit someone who would manage this system. My colleague was very keen to apply, and everyone in our department — including our IT Manager, my colleague’s boss — said she should go for it. Initially, she didn’t tell our Head of Department, but when he found out he said that “while he’d be sorry to lose someone who was such a good IT Technician, he couldn’t think of anyone better qualified for the job.” Staff in other departments were excited to hear she had applied, too, because they knew she’d be really good at it.

Well, her interview rolled round, and she came away feeling very positive. The interview panel — which consisted of two directors and one of the senior managers — seemed to be impressed with her. It seemed that she would be a dead cert for this job.

Then management announced their decision: instead of hiring my colleague, they hired someone else: a young woman who had only been in the company about six months compared to my colleague’s two and a half years, was in no way IT literate — IT ability was pretty much a requirement for this job — and actually knew next to nothing about the system. In fact, the only thing she had over my colleague was that she worked as an admin clerk in a department that made the greatest use of this system. My colleague was disappointed, but disappointment soon turned to anger and frustration when the newly appointed “Administrator” for this system ended up phoning my colleague every day because she needed help with the system that she was supposed to be managing!

We later heard through the company grapevine that someone in higher management selected this person over my colleague on the basis that if they hired my colleague, “they’d have to pay her more because she’s an IT technician,” whereas if they hired someone who was just an admin clerk and less experienced in the system, “they could pay her an admin clerk salary.”

And people wonder why so many of my colleagues left the company — me included — to go on to better opportunities elsewhere!

(I am at the front counter, barely in view of the liquor section. I spot a man hanging around there for about ten minutes, and then he attempts to leave casually with his suspiciously bloated coat.)

Me: “Excuse me, sir.”

(The thief stops dead.)

Me: “Could you open your coat, sir?”

Thief: “Why?”

Me: “Please open your coat.”

(The thief proceeded to walk towards the exit when he slipped and fell flat on his front, smashing all the bottles he had kept hidden in his coat. The drinks gushed out and the glass fragments were lodged into the thief’s chest, causing him severe bleeding. He was quickly rushed to the hospital where he received stitches and a pair of handcuffs for attempted robbery.)