(Please Go) Back To The Future

, , , , , | Right | February 10, 2010

(I work in a small store in Oxford when a busload of tourists comes in to buy large quantities of sweets.)

Tourist: “We’re stocking up. We’re going to Stratford-on-Avon to see Shakespeare’s house.”

Me: “Okay, but why don’t you just buy it when you get there?”

(Several tourists stop what they are doing.)

Tourist: “They sell candy in the 16th century?”


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Reading Empty Minds

, , , , , | Right | February 8, 2010

(Our library helps a lot of people finish off the crossword puzzles from their newspapers. I’d helped one man find the answer to a very difficult one earlier in the day. I overhear a lady asking her about the same crossword to my colleague.

Me: “Excuse me, the answer is ‘Salome.’”

Colleague: “Thanks, that fits perfectly.”

Customer: “But… no, how can she know? She wasn’t even here!”

Me “I overheard you from-”

Customer: “No! You read my mind didn’t you! That’s wonderful! Do it again! What am I thinking about now?”

(She looks around the library. I notice her eyes linger on a Superman poster.)

Me: “Um… Superman?”

Customer: “F***!”

Colleague: “Ma’am, please don’t curse in the library.”

Customer:: “Oh, sorry.” *to me* “Did you hear me swear in my thoughts? Is that how you knew?”

Me: “No, you just shouted it.”

Customer: “Oh. That’s a shame.”


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To Have And To Hold On To The Remote

, , , , | Right | February 5, 2010

Customer: “I bought a TV from you last week, and one of my friends told me I need a universal remote control for it.”

Me: “Right. Was it a TV off display?”

Customer: “No, a new one in a box.”

Me: “Did you not get one in the box?”

Customer: “Yes, but the wife has that! If she’s sitting on one couch and I’m on the other couch and I want to change the channel, what is she supposed to do, throw it to me?”

Me: “You could ask her to change the channel for you.”

Customer: *chuckles* “That’s not how marriage works, son. I’ll just buy this one.”

Me: “Right, but if you both have a remote then you’ll keep changing the channel on each other and never see a full programme.”

Customer: *chuckles again* “Oh, son, one day you’ll learn how the world works.”

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Because They’re All Like Julie Andrews

, , , , | Right | January 29, 2010

(I have a more pronounced British accent due to my upbringing.)

Me: “Good afternoon. How may I help you?”

American Customer: *gasps* “Omigod! You’re British! You’re all ‘British-y’! Like on TV! Oh, my God! Will you talk to my wife? She would love your voice!”

Me: “Uh… thank you. Sure. Where is she?”

(He takes out a phone, dialing.)

American Customer: “Honey, I found an English girl! She sounds really British and everything!” *hands me the phone*

Me: “I’m sorry, I’m really confused and I have no idea what to say. Do you have a customer service related query?”

Wife: *on phone, gasping* “Oh, wow! Honey, your voice is beautiful!”

Me: “Thank you?”

American Customer: “Do you sing, too?”

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Yes To Dismember, No To His Member

, , , , , | Right | January 29, 2010

(A customer comes to the counter with his son with a Grand Theft Auto game.)

Me: “Sir, you are aware this is an 18-rated game?”

Customer: “Yes, I am aware of that.”

Me: “It contains sex.”

Customer: “Okay.”

Me: “Violence.”

Customer: “Okay.”

Me: “Bad Language.”

Customer: “Okay.”

Me: “Drug Usage.”

Customer: “Okay.”

Me: “Full frontal male nudity.”

Customer: “He’s bloody well not having this!”

(The customer handed the game over to me and walked out.)


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