(In the UK, doctor appointments are generally booked in advance, although there are a few reserved for people who phone on the day for emergencies. The phone rings.)

Me: “Good morning, medical centre.”

Patient: “I’d like to make an appointment with a doctor, please.”

Me: “Okay, if it’s urgent, I can fit you in today, or if it’s not urgent I have an appointment in two days.”

Patient: “I don’t know if it’s urgent or not.”

Me: “Okay, well, if you give me a brief idea of what it’s concerning, I can help you decide.”

Patient: “It’s private. I’ll only discuss it with a doctor.”

Me: “Okay, fair enough. So, did you need an urgent appointment or can it wait a few days?”

Patient: “I’ve told you I don’t know if it’s urgent or not!”

Me: “As I’ve said, if you give me some idea of what it’s concerning—“

Patient: *interrupting* “It’s private! I’m not telling the receptionist!”

Me: “That’s fair enough but then I need you to tell me whether or not it’s urgent.”

Patient: “How many times?! I don’t know!”

Me: “Okay, I’ll give an example. If it’s just something like a sick note–”

Patient: *interrupting again getting increasingly angry* “I don’t need a sick note!”

Me: “It was just an example to help explain the difference between urgent and non-urgent appointments. If you don’t tell me which you need, I can’t book you in.”

Patient: “Well, how am I supposed to know if it’s urgent or not if you won’t tell me?!”

(They then hung up without ever having booked an appointment, or even given their name. I guess it wasn’t that urgent after all.)

(I’m in line in the pharmacy waiting for my prescription. There are elderly gentlemen in front of me and behind me. The pharmacist is at the counter with a new trainee. All of a sudden, an old lady at the front of the store faints.)

Pharmacist: *to trainee* “I’m going to help, but don’t give this medication out until I get back, because I haven’t signed it yet.”

(The pharmacist goes to the front to assist the old lady and another worker whilst paging for the manager.)

Elderly Man: *in front to trainee* “That’s mine. Give that to me.”

Trainee: “I’m really sorry, sir, but the pharmacist is just helping another customer and I can’t give it out until he’s signed it.”

Elderly Man: “Can’t you sign it?”

Trainee: “Unfortunately, I can’t because I’m training and it’s only my first day, but I can ring your other goods up while you wait.” *indicates to his basket*

Elderly Man: “But I’ve been waiting for ages and this is ridiculous!”

(Strictly speaking, this is not true; he went into the store in front of me and we’ve only been here less than five minutes.)

Elderly Man: “Where’s your manager?”

Trainee: “The manager is up at the front with the other customer. The pharmacist shouldn’t be long back now that she’s arrived.”

Elderly Man: “This is ridiculous. I’m a customer, too!”

(The trainee looks close to tears and I can’t take his behaviour anymore. We can all see the sick customer at the front, as it’s a small store.)

Me: “She’s just given you a perfectly reasonable excuse why she can’t give you the medication, and you can see why the pharmacist and other staff are busy. You need to stop being rude to her.”

(The man just harrumphs at me. The pharmacist returns and deals with the grumpy elderly man, and he shuffles off.)

Elderly Man #2: *behind me, taps me on the shoulder* “Good girl.”

Me: *to trainee* “You didn’t deserve that, and he was being rude and aggressive.”

Trainee: *as she finishes serving me* “Thank you.”

Me: “No problem. I used to work in retail and know what some customers are like.”

(I’m at the till when a customer hurries over, looking panicked, and pushes several items at me.)

Customer: “I need to pay for these, quickly!”

(She looks behind her and I follow her gaze, but I can’t see anything odd.)

Me: *while scanning items* “Is there a problem?”

Customer: “Yes! That man over there, he’s acting strangely.”

Me: *going on alert* “Oh? Is he stealing? I’ll call for someone—“

Customer: “No, no! He’s demonic. I need to leave right now.”

Me: “Demonic?”

Customer: “He’s talking to himself and waving his hands. He’s possessed. I just want to get out of here and away from that demon.”

(I was still none the wiser, but I finished the transaction and the customer hurried out of the shop. A few minutes later I finally spotted the man in question… having an enthusiastic conversation via a Bluetooth headset, and decidedly not a demon.)

(I am on the register, putting a woman’s groceries through.)

Me: “In total, that is [above £100].”

Woman: “Oh, I don’t have that much in cash.”

Me: “Card, then?”

Woman: “No, I don’t trust those card thingies.”

Me: “There’s a cash machine just outside. I can hold your things for you.”

Woman: “No, no. That won’t do.”

Me: “I can suspend the transaction until you can get the money.”

Woman: “No.”

(She then stands looking from me to her watch to the entrance for about five minutes. I try to come up with other solutions for her, but she refuses each one. After enough time, my register logs me out. I start signing back in.)

Woman: “I told you I didn’t want to suspend it!”

Me: “I’m just logging back in. We’ve done nothing for so long that it has kicked me out.”

(She blushes and continues her bizarre ritual. Everyone is confused now, from the other customers and cashiers, to the duty manager on the kiosk. Finally, when she looks to the entrance she jumps and claps her hands together. I look, as well, and see a man, out of breath and red-faced, running up to us.)

Man: “I’ll… pay for that… for you!”

(The woman looked at him like he was a guardian angel. He put his card to the reader, but as the price was over £30, it denies the wireless payment. When he put his card in the reader, the woman whispered something to him and he put the PIN in. Once everything was paid, the man put all the bags into the trolley and the woman literally JUMPED ON HIS BACK and he gave her a piggyback ride while pushing the trolley. He was still out of breath. It’s safe to say everyone was clueless as to what was happening.)

(A friend of mine has had problems with a stomach ulcer for some time. Today it’s causing a lot of pain, so he goes into A&E to get it checked.)

A&E Receptionist: “Since you haven’t been to the hospital with this problem for over a year, you need a referral from your doctor in order to be seen.”

(He then leaves, but sits in the car still in the hospital car park to phone the GP.)

GP: “Well, I can refer you, but if the pain is that bad you need to phone [non-emergency urgent care line] to get an appointment straight away.”

(He phones this number and explains all of the symptoms.)

Call Handler: “With the symptoms you’ve explained, you need to be seen straight away. We’ll send an ambulance on blue lights to you now.”

Friend: “I’m in the hospital car park; I can walk to A&E from here.”

Call Handler: “No, absolutely no walking there. We’ll send you an ambulance.”

Friend: “I’m in the hospital car park! I don’t need an ambulance!”

Call Handler: “With your symptoms, you must be transported to the hospital via an ambulance. It’s not safe for you to get yourself there.”

Friend: “I can see three ambulances from here! I can go and over and sit in one if it makes you feel better!”

(They did eventually consent to allowing him to walk the 50 feet back into the hospital himself.)

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