Pseudo-Named And Shamed

, , , , , | Right | May 28, 2011

(I’m an author doing a book signing in a shop. I’m female with an obviously female name. The name is also on the book. There’s also a large poster with my name and photo on.)

Customer: “When’s he going to get here?”

Me: “Who?”

Customer: “The author.”

Me: “I’m the author.”

Customer: “But, you’re a woman.”

Me: “Yes.”

Customer: “Oh, I get it. You’re one of them pseudonym things.”


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Buying Bread Costs You Dough

, , , , , | Right | May 26, 2011

Me: “I’m sorry, the bread isn’t scanning on to the till. I will just go and check the price on the shelf.”

Customer: “When I was a boy like you, I used to work everything out in my head. None of this till business.”

Me: “I’m sorry, sir. I can’t seem to find where you got that particular type of bread from. May I ask where you took it from?”

Customer: “This is ridiculous. Is your manager here?”

Me: “She leaves me in the shop on Sundays. Did you get the bread from here?”

Customer: “No. I got it from the supermarket.”

Me: “So, you’ve already paid for it at another shop, sir?”

Customer: “I’m sorry. My brain isn’t what it used to be.”

Me: “That’s why I use a till, sir.”

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£500 Non-Pays Of Summer

, , , | Right | May 20, 2011

(A elderly customer buys an incredible amount of food, most of which is dried pasta and tinned fruit. The total comes to £500.)

Me: “I’m sorry, but your card has been declined due to insufficient funds.”

Customer: “Why is that?”

Me: “You don’t have enough money in your account.”

Customer: “Yes, I do.”

Me: “I’m sorry, but it seems you don’t.”

Customer: “No, I do. I let Prime Minister David Cameron borrow some. He’ll put it back in soon.”

Me: “I’m sorry, what?”

Customer: “Oh, yes. But you mustn’t tell anyone. I need this food now, so can you just put it through, please?”

Me: “I’m sorry, but without the money, I cannot complete your transaction.”

Customer: “When I go into hibernation for the summer, I’ll need to have plenty of food in my house.”

(I am shocked into silence.)

Customer: “You’re beautiful. How about we hibernate together this summer, sweetie?”

Me: “Excuse me?”

Customer: “Here’s my address. Look me up as soon as July hits!”

(She handed me a piece of paper and hurried out of the shop. I looked at the piece of paper. It was actually just a drawing of the sun, with the words ‘TRUST NO ONE’ written below.)

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There Is No Meat But Where Is The Proof

, , , | Right | May 18, 2011

Customer: “Is your ice cream vegetarian?”

Me: “Well, there’s no meat in it. It does have milk in, so it’s not suitable for vegans.”

Customer: “Yes, but is it vegetarian? You know, does it have alcohol in it?”


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A Little Big Communication Problem

, , , , | Right | May 16, 2011

Customer: “I’d like some big little batteries, please.”

(I gesture behind me.)

Customer: “Big-little ones.”

Me: “I’m sorry, I don’t follow.”

Customer: “You know, you’ve got little-little ones, then little-big ones, then big-little ones, then big-big ones. You know?”

Me: “I’m sorry, you’re being very vague.”

Customer: “I just want some rechargeable big-little batteries.”

Me: “These are the only rechargeable batteries we do.”

Customer: “Yes! Those! Big-little ones, see?”

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