Probably One Per Inch

, , , | Right | February 3, 2017

(I’m working to returns desk handling a small line which has gathered.)

Woman: “Is it possible to return this? It has been in my bag for the past month; I just completely forgot about it!”

Me: “Do you have a receipt?”

Woman: “No, sorry.”

Me: “I can return it, but you will only get the current price, not the price you purchased with.” *scans item* “It would be £9.99.”

Woman: “Oh, that’s not so bad. It was £12.99, I think. Sure, I can live with that.”

(Suddenly the man behind her sniggers.)

Man: “That’s not how you do a return, lady.”

Woman: “Excuse me?”

Man: “You’ve got to make them feel small. Kick up a fuss. Get loud. Demand a manager. You’d get that £13 back, no bother.”

(The woman stares at him for a long time, making his confident expression falter, before turning back to me.)

Woman: “How small does your d**k have to be to get a thrill out of £3?”

(The man turned red with embarrassment and fled the store. The rest of us had a chuckle and, while I couldn’t refund the woman full price, the rest of the line coughed up the remaining £3, for the entertainment.)

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Ain’t That The Bleeding Truth

, , | Related | January 5, 2017

(My sister and I are going down on a lift. It jolts slightly between floors and moments later my sister whispers in my ear.)

Sister: “I need a tampon!”

Me: “A tampon?”

Sister: “Did I stutter? Get me one!”

(I’m at a loss as to how I can make one magically appear, so I turn to the rest of the lift.)

Me: “ANYONE GOT A TAMPON?”

(My sister goes red in the face as two women look quizzically at me and then to my sister. One of them produces a single tampon from her handbag and hands it to her. The rest of the lift is relatively un-phased other than some smirking. My sister runs out and to the nearest toilet where I wait for her.)

Sister: *while coming out* “That was EMBARRASSING. Why would you do that?”

Me: “I’m a guy and we were in a lift. What else could I do?”

Sister: “I… I suppose you’re right. I guess I wasn’t thinking. Still embarrassing though!”

Me: *smirking* “Funny, too.”

(I still tease her about it from time to time.)

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Should Have Framed It Differently

, , , , | Right | December 26, 2016

(I am a picture framer. Generally my waiting list is around 4 – 6 weeks. It is the week before Christmas. A customer comes into the shop and I greet them; they start discussing the job and I make sure to mention I will not be able to complete any orders in time for Christmas; just to check before we go through all the detail.)

Customer: “No, that’s fine; I don’t need it for Christmas.”

(We carry on and it’s a fairly big job with lots of lots of different mouldings to be ordered. I tally it all up.)

Me: “It could be done for the end of January.”

Customer: “Oh, but I need it for Boxing Day.”

(Boxing Day is Dec 26th and a bank holiday in the UK…)

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Did A Job On You

, , , , , | Friendly | December 12, 2016

I am autistic and because of this have always come off as… odd. Odd enough most people don’t want to hire me.

I am in the job centre to look at the jobs available so I can apply when a man walks over and starts talking to me. I try to be polite as he insists on continuing to talk until finally he says “I’m from [Local Church] group.c

I smile and say that I’m not interested, leafing through the information pages of the jobs. Finally, he comments on my accent.

I am English born and raised, but my autism has given me a strong northern American accent. I explain that to him, making a joke about it making me unique like I always do even as I feel myself wilting inside. I find social interaction exhausting.

The next thing I know, the man puts his hand on my shoulder and says “I am so sorry to hear that!” Like I have a terminal disease and I only have three days to live. And I am panicking because I hate being touched and he’s looking me straight in the eyes as he says this. “But one day the lord will help you.”

And that’s when I grabbed my stuff and ran out of the building still carrying the paper. Never went back and ended up being signed off work from stress.


This story is part of our Autism roundup!

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I Tyre Of These Questions

, | Right | September 29, 2016

(I’m one of the sales guys at a caravan dealership. A customer asks me for a part exchange value on his caravan against a new one.)

Customer: “It’s absolutely pristine! Like new.”

Me: “Okay, as you don’t have the caravan with you, I can give you a value by asking you some questions on an appraisal questionnaire we have.”

Customer: “Okay.”

(There are lots of questions on the form but I’ll cut to the most entertaining ones.)

Me: “How are the windows? Any cracks? Scratches?”

Customer: “No, no… Oh, one of the front ones has a stone chip hole in it.”

Me: “Okay, how about the furniture inside? Tables, work surfaces all okay?”

Customer: “Yes, all good… Oh, the work surface has a dent in it.”

Me: “Okay, how about the tyres? Are they less than five years old?”

Customer: “I’m not prepared to answer that.”

Me: “Why? They have a date code so we can check them.”

Customer: “Are the tyres on the caravans you sell less than five years old?”

Me: “Yes. If they are older we change them for new ones before we sell the caravan.”

Customer: “Oh, right, do you? Well I’m not prepared to say.”

Me: “Okay, has your caravan been serviced recently?”

Customer: “No.”

Me: “Do you know when it was last serviced?”

Customer: “When we bought it.”

Me: “When was that?”

Customer: “2012.”

Me: “Okay, based on what you’ve told me, your caravan would have a trade in value of £[amount].”

Customer: “What!? That’s nowhere near enough! It’s pristine!”

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