Served With Just Desserts

, , , , , | Right | April 26, 2013

(I work at a restaurant which is very gay-friendly. It’s not actually a gay restaurant, but half the waiting staff, two of the chefs, and the owner are all gay or bi. Many of the customers are gay couples. A tourist couple, a man and woman, comes in, and sits at a table.)

Me: *flamboyantly* “Hi, welcome! Here are your menus—”

Customer #1: “We want another server!”

Me: “Sorry, but I’m the only one that’s free at the moment, and you’re sitting in my area, but I can help you all the same.”

(The couple stands up and walk to another table on the other side of the restaurant. Their server comes up to the table; she’s a young woman who dresses very alternatively.)

Server: “Hi, there! Would you like to look at—”

(The couple stands up again, this time moving to a table being served by the only straight server in the restaurant today. They order happily, and the server leaves. The table is right next to the large opening where you can see the chefs cooking your food. The customers can be heard by one of the chefs — who happens to be my boyfriend.)

Customer #1: “I can’t believe they let those people work with food. They’ll contaminate it.”

Customer #2: “I know! But don’t let it get to you; we have a good server now.”

Customer #1: “Yeah, but just look at them. That first man probably has AIDS, and they let him work in a restaurant! It’s disgusting!”

Chef: “Excuse me; please don’t talk about him that way. He doesn’t have AIDS. Even if he did, you wouldn’t catch it just because he served you food. He’s also my boyfriend, so stop it, or you’ll upset me and him.”

(The couple remains quiet until their server bring their drinks.)

Customer #1: “Make sure that thing doesn’t cook or touch any of my food.”

Server: “Sorry, I can’t do that. He is one of our best chefs, and he deals with items that you have ordered.”

Customer #2: “Well, have someone else make our food. Someone clean!”

Server: “I assure you that our chefs take hygiene very seriously. We are very highly rated from health and safety—”

Customer #1: “MANAGER! NOW!”

(Their server gets the manager, a very well-dressed and flamboyant man.)

Manager: “What seems to be the problem?”

Customer #1: “You’re one, too?! A dirty gay! I can’t believe it! F*** you! F*** you all! Don’t any of you touch my food, my wife, or me! I don’t want your any of your dirty gay diseases!”

(The customers start referring to their server.)

Customer #2: “And to think you surround this poor boy with your heathen ways!” *to the server* “Come now, son, leave with us and we can save you from this evil lot!”

(All of the servers have gathered around the area. Many of the regular customers and their partners join, too.)

Server: “You know what? You’re right! Why should I have to work in a place with such nasty people?”

(The couple smiles and move towards him, as if to take him away.)

Server: “You two, get the f*** out of here and leave me alone! We reserve the right to refuse service to anyone, and you most certainly are not welcome here!”

(The couple runs out, flustered and embarrassed.)

Manager: “I couldn’t have said it any better myself!”

Server: “Thanks, Dad!”

 

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The Smoker Of Two Evils

, , , , , | Learning | April 4, 2013

(The art project for year-eight students at my school is to create a collage out of sweet wrappers. This exchange takes place between my colleague and a particularly troublesome student.)

Teacher: “Have you got your homework for me yet?”

Student: “Yes, sir, but it’s different to what you asked us to do.”

Teacher: “Why? You’ve had long enough to do it, and it’s late. What have you got for me?”

Student: “My mum said I’m not allowed to use sweet wrappers because sweets are bad for you.”

Teacher: “So what did you use instead?”

Student: “Cigarette cartons.”


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Try And Litre Down Gently

, , , | Learning | April 2, 2013

(My sister is at school, struggling to grasp how to convert pints into litres.)

Teacher: “Milk cartons from the supermarket come with both litres and pints marked on the bottles, don’t they?”

Sister: “Yes.”

Teacher: “So when you got to the supermarket, which milk do you pick up?”

Sister: “Semi-skimmed?”

Teacher: *wide-eyed and at a loss for words*


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The Klass Of 2015

, , , , | Learning | March 12, 2013

(I’m working clearing, which is when we take in calls about students who are in their last ditch effort to get into the university.)

Me: “Okay, that’s fine. I’m going to process your application now. Can I please take your first name?”

Student: “Yes. It’s…” *unintelligible speech*

Me: “Can you please spell that for me?”

Student: “Ugh, if I have to. It’s K…” *unintelligible*

Me: “Okay, can you repeat that for me? It starts with K?”

Student: “Yeah, you know. K as in Chicken.”

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No Vocation For Location, Part 5

, , , , , | Right | February 24, 2013

(I work at a call center for charities where we call people to confirm their details and thank them for their donations. I have recently moved from South Africa and am still getting used to some of the pronunciations around the UK.)

Me: “Hello, this is Sarah calling on behalf of [Charity]. I believe you spoke to John in Inverness on Saturday. Is that correct?”

(I’ve pronounced it “In-ver-niss” as opposed to “In-ver-ness.”)

Man: “What?! How can you work in a f****** call center and not even know how to pronounce the names?”

Me: “I’m so sorry, sir. I’m not from England so I’m still getting used to all the names.”

Man: “How f****** dare you! I am not from England! I am from Scotland, you dumb b****! They’re different places! How don’t you know that? Didn’t you go to school?!”

Me: “Oh, I’m sorry, sir. I meant to say I’m new to the UK. Some of the names of places are still a bit tricky for me.”

Man: *calmer* “Well, okay, then. Where are you from?”

Me: “Johannesburg in South Africa.”

Man: “Oh, you mean Zimbabwe!”

Me: “No, sir, they’re different countries.”

Man: “They’re the same thing!”


This story is part of our Scotland themed roundup! This is the last story in the roundup, but we have plenty of others you might enjoy!

23 Times Customers Liked To ‘Milk’ Their Ignorance – For World Milk Day!

 

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