Made The Flight Bear-able

, , , , | Related | September 26, 2016

(We are on a large family holiday. All of us are adults now with kids of our own. It’s a long flight so I take out the colouring books and crayons we brought.)

Eldest Sister: “Can we borrow some of them?”

Me: *slightly annoyed at the lack of preparation* “Sure.”

(An hour in, our daughter is getting bored again. I take out some storybooks and snacks.)

Other Sister: “[Child] is bored; could we borrow one?”

Me: “Fine.”

(After a long flight, we have a great holiday and reluctantly join the plane home. As none of the “borrowed” items came back, and with limited shops, we make do.)

Eldest Sister: “You don’t mind if we borrow some again?”

Me: “What happened to the last lot?”

Eldest Sister: *shrugs*

Other Sister: “Me, too!”

(Frustrated and annoyed how two grown women fail to prepare for their own children, but not wanting to ruin the holiday, we do our best to entertain our three-year-old with a few crayons and single colouring book. Quickly enough, she is bored and I have nothing left to entertain her.)

Me: *to my wife* “You know what?! Sod it. We are on holiday. Pass me the menu.” *to the flight attendant* “Can we have two drinks, a kids’ selection pack, and—” *silently pointing* “—one of those, please.”

Stewardess: *all smiles* “Of course, sir.”

(Our daughter might have been upset to leave, but when the pilot teddy bear came down the aisle, she forgot all about it. My sisters, however, had to deal with the begging and pleading from their kids, but of course, they failed to leave any money aside to prepare for the flight home. Two years later, my daughter still has the bear, in a place of pride in her room.)

This story is part of our Crayon Roundup!

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Overlook And Overstep

, , , , , | Friendly | September 5, 2016

CONTENT WARNING: This story contains content of a medical nature. It is not intended as medical advice.

(My friend and I are 16 and taking her younger sister, who’s 12, to the shop with us. On the way there, I spot a guy collapse half on the street and half on the road. I run over.)

Me: “Sir, can you hear me? Are you okay?” *to my friend* “Call an ambulance!”

(She does and I put the guy in the recovery position. He starts to come round.)

Stranger: “I’m sorry, girls. I have epilepsy. I’m so sorry.”

Me: “Don’t worry about it. Here, I have some water if you want it.”

(He collapses again and starts having a major seizure. All I can think to do is protect his head from hitting the ground so I shove my jacket under him and try to keep his head safe. One of his arms catches me in the face hard but I hang on. Then, a grown man and woman step over him to pass us. As they walk away, the woman turns around.)

Woman: “Are you girls okay?”

(The man is still seizing and I’m in tears from where he hit me. I’ve told my friend to take her sister a little way away as it’s upsetting her.)

Me: “Not really. This guy is having a seizure and we’ve called an ambulance but I don’t know what I’m doing.”

(The guy rolls his eyes and looks like he wants to walk away but the woman nudges him.)

Man: “He’s wet himself. He’s probably an alcoholic.”

Me: “What does that matter? He’s having a seizure!”

(The ambulance finally arrives and the man goes to greet them. He gives a wrong account of what’s happened and I keep interrupting to correct him. Finally, he gets angry.)

Man: “Listen, I’m a police officer and I’m dealing with the paramedics, so shut up.”

Me: *in disbelief* “You’re a police officer? You stepped over us without helping at all! You’ve been useless!”

(The paramedics raised their eyebrows at this and the man went a little red. The guy was taken away in the ambulance. I never did find out what happened to him but I’ll never forget how willing a policeman was to overlook a man in need.)

This story is part of our Epilepsy roundup.

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Your Request Is Totally Criminal

, , , | Right | August 31, 2016

(I work as a freelance editor, including editing CVs and cover letters for jobs. I had a client ask me to improve his CV, “make it sound fancy and good,” as well as to write a cover letter for his applications, primarily for a teaching assistant job. I rewrote almost all of the CV and an impressive cover letter. About two months later I receive a phone call from him.)

Client: “I’d like a refund for the work you did.”

Me: “I’m sorry, what’s wrong?”

Client: “It’s been two months, and I still can’t get a job. The CV and cover letter are s***.”

Me: “You were happy with both when I delivered them, and also it clearly states in the contract that I do not offer refunds and that there is no guarantee of employment.”

Client: “The reason I’m not getting the jobs is because of this s*** you wrote. I want my money back.”

Me: “I’m sorry, but I don’t see how what I wrote would prevent you from getting a job. Are you sure there’s no other reason?”

Client: “No! I even had my brother look over the CV and he said it was s*** and it’s why I wasn’t getting a job. He’s a professional editor too, and he knows this s***.”

Me: “If your brother is a professional, then why did you hire me instead of him?”

Client: “Because he’s busy with a real job, unlike you!”

Me: “Look, I’m sorry, but unless you can prove to me that I somehow voided our contract, I am not giving you a refund.”

Client: “I CAN prove it!”

(The client continued to bug me until I agreed to meet up with him and go through his application form, proving that it was the CV and not him. I watched as he filled in every detail without any worries, until we reached the problem question.)

Me: “Wait, you’ve put that you have a criminal conviction?”

Client: “Oh… yeah… A couple of years ago I got arrested for assault. But it was total bull-s***. She was a lying b****.”

Me: “You’re applying to work in a school with an assault charge. That’ll be why they’re not hiring you.”

Client: “No, because I tell them first.”

Me: “You tell them?”

Client: “Yeah, in the cover letter. I added a note at the end saying that the assault charge was false.”

Me: “But you were found guilty?”

Client: “Yeah, that’s just because my kid said she saw me do it.”

Me: “Okay, it doesn’t matter to the employer whether you claim it to be true or not. You were convicted, you were found guilty, so they take that as truth and won’t hire you to work with children.”

Client: “But it wasn’t true.”

Me: “But the school will believe it is.”

Client: “But I tell them first it ain’t.”

(We went around in circles for a while until I just got up and left. He continued to harass me for a while, and even threatened to sue. Needless to say, nothing ever came of it. As far as I’m aware, he’s had a couple jobs, not in schools thankfully, but lost all of them.)

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Hold Your Horses!

, , , | Working | August 4, 2016

(I’m 18 and I’ve been volunteering at a horse sanctuary for a number of months. A coworker in her early 20s seems to take an immediate dislike towards me, taking every opportunity to put me down or tell me what to do. I’m cleaning one of the stables while singing to ‘Country Roads’ on my iPod when she storms up to me. All the horses are in the field.)

Coworker: “[My Name], stop singing! You’re scaring the horses!”

Me: “Sorry?” *glances at the little, fat, grey pony sleeping next to me* “I don’t think I was that loud.”

Coworker: “Just do what I said!” *storms off*

(At this point I’m used to this so I just resume my work. Some time later one of the staff comes running towards the yard screaming that one of the horses has escaped. The sanctuary is right next to a main road notorious for people speeding. Everyone runs to the field where the horse has run into.)

Owner: “Everyone look for him!” *turns to me* That gate is broken. Stay there and stop him if he tries to get out!”

Me: “Sure.”

(20 minutes later, I can hear everyone yelling after the horse, and eventually I see him running towards me in a panic. I’ve been around horses for a number of years so I just let him run back and forth until he stops and let me hold his head.)

Me: *in a low and quiet tone* “You’re a good boy, [Horse]. It’s okay, son.”

(I suddenly hear the woman shout out of sight.)


(Suddenly the horse gets a fright and tries to barge past me to get out of the gate. Thinking quickly, I push him on his chest which makes him stop. This horse is two meters tall and weighs about 1200lbs. A second later a speeding car zooms past about a metre behind me. Everyone freezes and let’s out a shriek.)

Owner: *panting* “Oh! [My Name], good lass! I’m so glad you were there!”

Me: *shell-shocked* “Me, too! Come on, we need to get him back to his field!”

(I get a few ‘well done’s from a number of staff but nothing much else, which I am fine with since I don’t like attention. The whole time the coworker is giving me a weird look. Once the horse is back in his field, the owner lets me take my break early. I’m sitting on a hay bale drinking my cola.)

Coworker: *walking up to me, looking annoyed* “You know how you saved [Horse] from being run over?”

Me: “Yeah?” *jokingly* “And myself?” *looks more annoyed so I’m expecting something bad*

Coworker: “All I’m going to say is you didn’t do it right.”

(She rambles on about how I was “supposed” to save the horse from being run over, the whole time I am fighting the urge not to face-palm myself.)

Me: “[Coworker], I stopped him from running out—“

Coworker: “But all I’m saying is, you didn’t do it right!”

Me: “I made a snap decision—“

Coworker: “Horses make faster decisions than you can! Anyone could have done it!”

Me: *fed up* “Listen, this isn’t the first time I’ve saved a horse’s life.”

Coworker: “Don’t start bragging!”

Me: “A horse at my old farm had colic and I was the only person to notice. I called the vet and the owner. Everyone had gone home and I stayed an extra two hours walking him until the owners came! If I hadn’t, I don’t want to think of what would have happened! Maybe I didn’t do it correctly but I still did it!” *pauses* “How many horses’ lives have YOU saved?”

Coworker: “…”

Me: “Well?”

Coworker: “…” *glares at me* “Don’t get an ego over this! You’re not that great with horses!” *storms off*

(I still volunteer at that horse sanctuary and the incident isn’t much more than an amusing story to tell to people who work there. As for the coworker, the owner dismissed her because of her attitude as well as her demanding more money (keep in mind this is a non-profit organisation). And she claims I have an ego…)

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This Is A Bad Sine

, , , , | Learning | July 31, 2016

(We are in maths class; I’m bored so start making puns.)

Friend: *overdramatically* “I’m hungry for maths knowledge.”

Me: “Try eating some pi.”

(I got a mixed response of laughs and groans. Later:)

Friend: “My calculator is my all powerful weapon!”

Me: “What are you going to do with it? Divide and conquer?”

(Mostly groans. After the bell has rung:)

Me: *realising there’s pie in the canteen today* “You know I think they should serve us our pie in boxes.”

Friend: “Why?”

Me: “Because pie are squared, of course!”

(My friend walked away and didn’t talk to me until the next day.)

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