Grovelling Stations!

, , , | Related | July 17, 2017

(I have recently broken up with my boyfriend after he was caught cheating on me. I haven’t spoken to him since that day, but I have been expecting it as he needs to pick up his stuff from my house.)

Mum: *calling on the phone* “[Boyfriend] should be coming over soon to pick up his stuff. Can you ring me back after he’s gone and tell me how he behaved?”

(I find it an odd request, but she hangs up before I get the chance to ask. Shortly after I get a knock at the door. It is my boyfriend, on his knees, begging to pick up his stuff. Shocked, I let him in and he practically sprints up and down the stairs with everything and is gone in only a couple of minutes. I call my mum back.)

Mum: “Good, he did what I ordered him to.”

Me: *angry* “What? You made him do that? Why? I know he cheated, but that isn’t reason enough to make him grovel.”

Mum: “One day you’ll understand that when someone wishes death on your only son, you tear them a new one!”

(When we met later, she showed me a string of text messages that my boyfriend had mistakenly sent to her. She had ignored most of them until the last one which said he wished I caught HIV, which for her, a former nurse who used to work with HIV/AIDS patients, hit a little close to home. She hasn’t given me the details of phone call, but it really must have been something.)

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A Dress You Can Wear Once A Month

, , | Romantic | July 15, 2017

Woman: “I want a dress in your pastel pink collection.”

Me: Of course. Have you picked out a style?

Woman: “Well, I was wondering if you could drape it like a giant vagina.”

Me: “Umm…”

Woman: “Don’t worry, I’m not insane. But I am asking you to make me a vagina dress.”

Me: “And what is this for exactly?”

Woman: “My ex-husband’s wedding. Lord knows why he invited me. But I’m going to have as much fun with that cheating being-of-s*** as I can!”

(We did attempt the dress, but she wasn’t happy with how the period blood looked and decided to look elsewhere.)

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Going To Milk This One Forever

, , , | Romantic | July 14, 2017

(My wife is in the living room, on her laptop. I’ve just made her a bowl of cereal and go to hand it to her from behind when she turns to say something to me and her arm catches my hand, resulting in cereal spilling all over the laptop. Unfortunately, given that laptops aren’t usually supposed to eat cereal, it no longer works after this, so we embark on an ever-so-fun half-hour drive to the nearest appliance shop to get it sent off for repair.)

Me: *to the employee* “Hi, can we send our laptop off for repair? I was bringing her some cereal and—”

Wife: “We spilled… er… cow liquid on it.”

Me: “…cow liquid?”

Wife: “I forgot the word for milk, okay?”

(And that is why, from this point on, I will always refer to milk as cow liquid.)

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The Beach Is Full Of Little Nippers

, , , | Friendly | July 14, 2017

(I am sunbathing on the beach when a shadow hovers over me. I open my eyes and see it’s a young girl, probably four or five years old.)

Me: “Are you all right? Are you lost?”

Girl: “You have hairy nipples.”

Me: *taken aback* “Ugh, yeah.”

Girl: “Why?”

Me: “Because I’m a man?”

Girl: “Can I have hairy nipples?”

(Before I could respond, a woman (presumably her mother) appeared, grabbed her by the arm, and dragged her away, screaming so loudly about nipples that the entire beach stopped to take notice.)

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Unfiltered Story #90902

, | Unfiltered | July 13, 2017

I work reception, and my company is split over three offices within walking distance of each other. A coworker from Office #2 comes in at lunch time.

Coworker: “Can you call [Coworker 2], please?”

Me: “Sure.”

I tell Coworker 2 that he’s there without thinking, then the pair of them go to lunch. Then it sinks in that Coworker had me interrupt my work (I’m hella busy) to avoid walking literally 10 feet to Coworker 2’s desk.

The next day, Coworker comes in again and I’m prepared.

Coworker: “Can you call [Coworker 2], please?”

Me: “Have you forgotten where he sits?”

Decide for yourselves who it is that “wasn’t always working”.