Driving While Supplemented

, , , | Legal | May 29, 2009

(While interviewing a man I have just stopped for drunk driving one night…)

Me: “How much did you have to drink?”

Man: “A bottle of wine and a scotch in four hours. I thought I was okay to drive.”

Me: “Are you taking any medication?”

Man: “Well, I just started taking those fish oil capsules.”

Me: “The Omega 3 ones?”

Man: “Yes, those ones.”

Me: “Those are supposed to make you smarter.”

Man: “Yes, they are.”

Me: “Well, I’m sure you can get your money back for them, then.”


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Military Intelligence, Part 3

, , , , , , | Right | February 12, 2009

(I work in an English branch of a US coffee chain. Because we’re a naval town, US navy ships always stop here and the sailors come in for ‘a taste of home’…)

Me: “Hello, what would you like?”

Sailor #1: “One of your chocolate frappuccinos.”

Me: “Okay. What size do you want?”

Sailor #1: “Erm… can I ask you a question?”

Me: “Yeah, go on then.”

Sailor #1: “Are your frappuccinos made with ice, like they are back in the States?”

Sailor #2: “Yeah! Good point, man!”

Me: “Yes. Yes, they are made with ice.”

Sailor #2: “Is that British ice or do you get it, like, flown over from the States so it tastes the same?”

Me: “…”

Sailor #1: “Dude! Yeah! Is it going to taste the same as it does at home?!”

Me: “Why don’t you try it and let me know?”

Sailors #1 & #2: “Yeahhh…”

(Their ship was over for about a week and true to their word, they came back to inform me that their drinks did, in fact, taste the same as they did back home.)

 

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Personally, I Go There To Do My Taxes

, , | Right | September 11, 2008

(A group of annoying teenagers had been removed from one of the screens in the cinema for being loud and causing a huge disturbance.)

Teenager: “I want a refund. I want to talk to a manager. This is unfair!”

Usher: “Well, you can talk to a manager, but they’ll tell you the same thing I’ve told you.” *calls a manager over*

Manager: “What’s the problem here?”

Teenager: “We’ve been kicked out of the cinema because apparently someone said we were being noisy and disturbing the film.”

Manager: “Yes?”

Teenager: “Yeah, well, we think it’s unfair and we want a refund.”

Manager: “And why should we give you a refund?”

Teenager: “Well, you know how it is… You come to the cinema to have a laugh and a chat with your mates–”

Manager: “No, you don’t. You come to the cinema to watch a film. Get out.”

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But Is It Fully Armed And Operational?

, , , | Right | July 18, 2008

Customer: “Hi there, I was wondering if you could help me?”

Me: “Of course. What are you after?”

Customer: “Well, my son is a huge Star Wars fan and he really wants one of those lightsabers.”

Me: “Not a problem; we have plenty of them. Was there any particular one you were after.”

Customer: “Do you have one of the ones that come out of the handle?”

Me: “We have several pop-out ones. They also make a sound.”

Customer: “Oh, okay.”

(They walk off and pick some of the different designs up and walk back to me.)

Customer: “Hi again.”

Me: “Did you find one?”

Customer: “Not the one that he wants.”

Me: “Well, we also have some better ones in the window. Would you like to see?”

Customer: “Yes, please.”

(I get a prop lightsaber out of the window and show it to them.)

Customer: “Hmm, it doesn’t seem to be the right one.”

Me: “Unfortunately, that’s all we really do.”

Customer: “So you don’t do the one that cuts things?”

Me: “Erm, the ones that cut things?”

Customer: “You know, the ones from the movies.”

Me: *giving up* “Erm… you could try [Toy Store], they should do them.”

Customer: “Brilliant, thanks very much.”

(If that wasn’t bad enough, it happened about three times in the past year.)

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Mr. Anal And Mrs. Retentive Go To Scotland

, , , , | Right | June 30, 2008

(A South American customer and his wife are browsing in a souvenir shop where I work; note that it’s located in Scotland.)

Customer: “Hey, why do you have mugs here with England written on them? I’m not in England… Why would I buy a souvenir mug with the English flag on it?”

Me: “Well, you don’t have to buy an England one. We have plenty of mugs with Scotland written on them, too.”

Customer: “I can see that! I’m not stupid!”

Me: “I didn’t mean to imply you were, sir.”

Customer: “Well, you did. I just wonder why the h*** anyone would want to buy a knick-knack from a country that has a different country’s name on it. What’s the point?”

Me: “I really don’t know what to tell you. We’ve just always stocked those mugs.”

Customer: “I don’t see the point.” *calls to his wife, who comes over*

Customer: “There are England mugs in a Scotland shop!”

Customer’s Wife: “Wow, that’s really f***ing stupid. What’s the point? Ask the girl.”

Customer: “She doesn’t know. This is so stupid.”

Customer’s Wife: “She’s stupid. ”

(His wife puts down the Loch Ness Monster teddy she is holding and walks out of the shop. He turns back to me.)

Customer: “You should know things like that. You do work here. What’s the point?!”

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