(My boyfriend and I are out in town, picking up some emergency items a few days before Christmas. There are charity volunteers all over the place collecting change.)

Volunteer: *singing loudly but in tune with a big smile on his face*

Random Woman: *as she passes him, yells* “Oh, shut the f*** up, would you?”

(I and two other passers-by react at almost the exact same time.)

Passer-By #1: “Oi! No need to be rude!”

Passer-By #2: “You shut the f*** up, love! It’s Christmas!”

Me: “Calm down, Mrs. Grinch!”

(We shared a laugh and a couple of people around popped a few coins in the guy’s bucket. Lady, I don’t know what your problem was, but don’t take it out on a guy volunteering to stand outside in freezing weather for hours to collect money for sick children!)

I work in a small village pub which is well known for our food. Every Saturday and Sunday since I have started working there has been fully booked. We have a waiting list and you have to make a reservation about three weeks in advance for the weekend because it’s so popular.

That said, my manager/the landlord isn’t a local to the small village. Because of this, she feels that she has to accommodate the locals to foster goodwill. The locals get away with so much crap that it’s rather impressive.

One day, I start work on a Saturday and quickly realise that all of the tables in the restaurant have been rearranged and there are massive 50th birthday banners everywhere.

Parties are not unusual, and the restaurant is typically “free” to hire out as long as you pay for the buffet and you bring enough people which makes up the cost to the business in drinks.

Quickly, my colleagues and I realise that the people in our restaurant section — separate from the bar — are not drinking any alcohol and only drinking iced tap water. Combined with the cheapest option of the buffet, the loss to the business worked out at about £1k by the end of the evening.

It turned out that when the local woman had booked the restaurant, she had assured my manager that enough people would be coming to the bar to drink. She didn’t mention that they were all of a religion that doesn’t allow alcohol.

At the end of the evening, when they settled the bill for the buffet, we were treated to a sermon about how immoral we all were for serving alcohol.

We made no money from tips that evening.

(I work at a tourist information centre. Pendle Hill is, strangely enough, a very large hill in Pendle; it can be seen from miles around and is impossible to miss.)

Me: “Hello, [tourist information]. My name is [My Name]; how can I help you?”

Customer: *on phone* “Hi, I’m just ringing to see if you know the postcode for Pendle Hill; I want it for my satnav.”

Me: “Well, the hill itself doesn’t have a postcode, but I can give you the postcode for the village at the bottom of the hill, which is [postcode].”

Customer: “Are you sure you don’t know the postcode of the hill? I’m worried that I won’t find it from there.”

Me: “It’s a hill, so it doesn’t have its own postcode. The village is right at the bottom; it’s impossible to miss from there. I really do think you’ll find it.”

Customer: “Can you give me the postcode for any of the attractions around the hill, just in case?”

Me: “Not really, since it’s just the hill, on its own; like I said, there’s a village at the bottom, there are a pub and a couple of shops, but that’s it.”

Customer: “So, Pendle Hill is just a hill? I thought it was like, a tourist attraction or something.”

Me: “Well, yes, it is a tourist attraction, but the idea is to walk up the hill; there’s a very good view from the top, but there isn’t much else to do there.”

Customer: “Oh, I thought there was more to it than that. Are you sure it doesn’t have its own postcode?”

(Usually, my best friend is a brilliant customer. She’s worked for years in many different aspects of customer service and knows how to be an awesome customer. The other day, however…)

Barista: “Hi! How can I help?”

Friend: “Hi! I’d like a medium extra hot, please.”

(Pause.)

Barista: *patiently* “An extra hot, what?” 

Friend: *now confused* “A medium, extra hot… please?”

(Pause. The barista and I look at her, willing her to finish the sentence.)

Friend: *completely confused* “What?!”

Me: “She’d like a medium hot chocolate, extra hot, please. She likes it to be like lava.”

(The barista laughs and my friend finally gets it.)

Friend: “I never mentioned what drink, did I? Sorry! I’m an idiot.”

(My customer admits to setting up a new account for his services at his neighbour’s property to trick us into thinking he is a new customer to get a different deal, and now he wants the service moved to his actual property where he has service with us.)

Me: “So, sir, let me get this right. As you have explained to me now, on a recorded call, that you created a new account next door to get a better deal — which in itself is a breach in your terms and conditions — and now you want me to move it to where you currently have active services?”

Customer: “Yes, but it’s not a breach in anything; I was securing a deal.”

Me: “You set up an order for yourself at your neighbour’s, so our system would think you were a new customer and wouldn’t prompt us to think otherwise, and now you want to move that to where you have services with us.”

Customer: “Well, yes.”

Me: “Okay, but I’m sorry, sir, I can’t allow this following the correct procedure. I will have to cancel your new order and manage your current active services correctly.”

Customer: “But then I can’t have the deal I want; that’s why I’ve done this.”

Me: “I know, sir, I’m sorry.”

Customer: “Well, I want compensation.”

Me: “For what?”

Customer: “For my time and effort.”

Me: “You want me to give you compensation for your effort in fraudulently setting up an account in an attempt to play the system?”

Customer: “You wasted my time!”

Me: “I’m not giving you compensation.”

Customer: “I want to speak to your manager.”

Me: “I’ll save you the effort; they are not giving you compensation, either.”

Customer: “I’m reporting you; give me your name.”

Me: “Okay, and that’s your account cancelled. Again, my name is [My Name].”