Who You Gonna Call?

, , , | Right | July 12, 2018

Customer: “I am not a customer of yours, but I was wondering if you could help me? I have a system from [Competitor] that I have so many issues with. For example…”

(The customer starts reeling off various hardware connection issues.)

Customer: “I heard that you can send engineers onsite to sort these things out, and I would be willing to pay you, as it isn’t your equipment”

Me: “I am sorry, but we only specialise in our own hardware and software, and our engineers wouldn’t be qualified to start fixing [Competitor]’s hardware.”

Customer: “What am I supposed to do, then? I have a business to run and need this hardware working.”

Me: “Have you tried calling [Competitor] and seeing if they can send an engineer out?”

Customer: “No. I probably should have tried them first. Thanks, anyway, though.”

You Have A Cathoholic Problem

, , , , , | Working | July 12, 2018

(A supervisor comes into the office with a smile on his face. [Colleague], who works on the desk opposite me, is in her late 70s and is retiring in six months. She is known for her conservative views.)

Supervisor: *to me* “I’ve finally converted—”

Me: “What?”

Supervisor: “I’ve converted. You know, the—”

Colleague: “Oh, that’s wonderful news.” *quick side glare at me* “It’s a good day when one of the lost finds the flock again.”

Supervisor: “Ugh, sure… Anyway, I converted my measures sheet to metric. It took me all weekend, but I finally did it.” *beaming*

Me: “Oh, that is wonderful. That should save us some time!”

Colleague: “So, you aren’t converting to Catholicism. You should, unless you’re like [My Name] and her perversions.”

Me: “[Colleague]! You stop that right now!”

Supervisor: *to colleague* “Shut your puss, you old hag. My dad was abused by a Catholic priest when he was ten years old. He’s been very critical of religion ever since, especially Catholicism, which has more than enough secrets to damn the world thrice over. If you don’t like that, you can stick your crucifix where the sun doesn’t shine.”

(My colleague blushes and leaves the office, muttering about being so mistreated.)

Me: “Wow… [Supervisor], you might’ve just lost your job.”

Supervisor: “Who cares. It’s old witches like her that make life worse for the rest of us. What did she even mean, bringing you into that?”

Me: “My sister is gay, and I made the mistake of outing her to the office when she found out she was pregnant. [Colleague]’s been giving me nasty looks ever since. She’ll be gone in six months, and I don’t want the added baggage of a complaint so close to her retirement. It might give her the passion to stay, just to spite me.”

(He grumbled and left. When I went in the next morning, there was a nice new partition blocking my view of [Colleague], and a teddy bear with note attached saying to give it to my sister. To my knowledge, [Colleague] hasn’t complained about [Supervisor], and I’m counting the days until she’s gone for good.)

Unfiltered Story #116458

, | Unfiltered | July 12, 2018

A man came to the counter one day. All his teeth were replaced with gold ones, but not in a blinging rapper way, they actually looked rubbish and too small for his head. This has nothing to do with the story, just colour.

Man: “Excuse me, is it true there’s a Bond film where the girl is a transexual?”.

Me (always happy to dispel an urban legend): “Well not exactly, that story does the rounds, but they do say that in For Your Eyes Only there’s a pool scene, and they do a pan of the area and one of the girls at the party there is supposed to be a transgender model. But none of the actual bond girls were.”

Man: “Have you got it in stock?”

Me: “Um, yeah probably…”

Man: “Do you have any other films about transexuals?…”.

This was about 10 years ago, and I don’t think everyone had heard of the Internet at this point.

Unfiltered Story #116456

, , | Unfiltered | July 12, 2018

(I’m in the middle of the high street arresting someone who was caught trying to steal a bunch of dvds. As Im about to put him in the car I hear a man comment)

Man: See *child*? thats what happens if you arent a good girl

Girl: (shouts) You shouldnt have been a naughty boy

(The man goes bright red and doesnt look up til I get him into the station)

Unfiltered Story #116454

, | Unfiltered | July 12, 2018

We’re getting towards the end of our winter sale stock, and all the sizes we have of slippers are now out.
A young couple browsing ask me for sizes…

Lady: “Do you have this in a size 8?”
Me: “No, I’m sorry all our sizes are out.”
Lady: “So do you not have this in a size 8?”
Me: “Afraid not.”
Lady: “So I can’t see any more of these (she says, holding a size 7). What about a size 9?”

Me: *facepalm*

(imagine this conversation going on for the next 20 minutes)

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