Unfiltered Story #143667

, , , , | Unfiltered | March 15, 2019

So this really dopy old guy comes in (must have been 50 or 60) and he’s speaking really slowly and carefully like he’s really stupid and has to concentrate really hard just so as to be able to talk at all.

Old man: Can I have sliced cheddar cheese, on a brown baguette, with salad, with onion on it, please?

Me: Cheese and onion?

Old man: Cheese, that’s sliced cheddar cheese, not grated, and onion, and salad. I have to ask for the onion separately as well as the salad because I have been told that the salad does not include the onion unless I ask for it.

I made him his baguette on white because we didn’t have brown, and I wrapped it up and gave it to him. A couple of minutes later he came back in, and he queued up again and when the queue was finished he spoke to me again.)

Old man: Sorry, I didn’t know the rules had changed. Can I have some tomato and cucumber on this? Sorry, I thought it automatically came with the salad, it always has done in the past. It’s an extra 20p per filling, isn’t it?

Me: I gave you what you asked for: cheese, salad and onion.

Old man: Sorry, but I thought salad meant lettuce, tomato and cucumber, not just lettuce. Can I have tomato and cucumber on this as well? That’s what I usually have. I come in here a lot. I didn’t know the rules had changed. (And he put 50p and his baguette, which he had taken a bite out of, on the counter.)

(I knew he was lying because I had never seen him before and I’d been working there nearly the whole week. I could tell he was working a scam but I couldn’t work out what sort of scam it was.)

Me: I can’t change your baguette now, you’ve already taken a bite out of it. I gave you what you asked for, it’s not my fault you didn’t ask for the right thing.

Old man: But I did ask for the right thing. I thought salad meant lettuce and tomato and cucumber, not just lettuce.

Me: You’re not scamming us out of a new sandwich. You can either leave now or I’m calling the police.

(Thank goodness the stupid old man left. The bad news is that he left his sandwich on the counter and I had to throw it away and disinfect the counter. The good news is that he left his 50p on the counter as well, so the tills were up that day! Every cloud has its silver lining. With any luck we won’t see him again.)

Jesus Got Those Abs Somehow

, , , , , | Right | March 14, 2019

Me: “Hello, sir. I’m calling from [Insurance Group], where we have noticed that your current life insurance policy is out of date, or not written into a trust. Do you know if this is correct, or is our system wrong?”

Customer: “Yes, that is correct.”

Me: “Ah, well, I can fix that for you now if you’d like.”

Customer: “Ah, great!

Me: “So, who is your current life insurance provider?”

Customer: “Ah, well, that’s a question for the ages, in fact… JESUS CHRIST IS MY LIFE INSURANCE!”

Me: “Ah, well, does Jesus Christ offer a free gym membership with his current policies?”

Customer: *hangs up*

Charity Isn’t Just For The Products

, , , , | Hopeless | March 14, 2019

(Our charity shop has a café in it, so people are extra sociable — even non-regulars — and so am I. On this particular morning, the shop is empty except for me and an occasional customer.)

Me: “Good morning. I hope you’re having fun today! Let me know if there’s anything I can help you find, okay?”

Elderly Man: *looking shocked, eyes brimming with tears* “You have no idea how much I needed to hear a happy voice; the lady at the shop down the road was so rude and cruel to me just now!” *blows his nose on a handkerchief*

Me: “Oh, no! Do you need a hug?”

Elderly Man: *after a pause* “Yes.”

(I gave him one. He stayed for a cuppa, and he comes in to put a few quid in the donation bucket from time to time.)

Those Might Not Fit

, , , | Right | March 14, 2019

(I work at a general convenience store where, on occasion, it can be quite noisy; the doors open to the street, so we have the sound of traffic coming past, and a slush machine is right next to the counter, so the whirring from that can also be a slight distraction now and again. I haven’t long been at the store — a matter of weeks — when one Sunday afternoon two gentlemen come in.)

Customer: *approaching the counter, in a rushed tone* “Tampax.”

(I am thinking, “Okay… He’s a modern gent, out shopping for intimate items for his wife or partner… but it is quite noisy in here, so I’ll just double check that is what he said.”)

Me: “You are looking for Tampax, sir?”

Customer: “Yes.”

(I direct him to where the said items are in the shop. A few minutes later, after scanning the shelves, he comes back to me and says that he can’t find them. Alarm bells are starting to tinkle gently in my mind, so again I ask:)

Me: “What is it again you are looking for, please?”

Customer: *again the hurried reply*  “Tampax.”

(I come out from behind the counter and point at said items. He takes one look, and he and his friend burst into laughter. By now, I’m very confused.)

Customer: *looks at me and, wiping tears of laughter, says* “No, dear… not T… er… those. I am looking for TENT PEGS!”

(Don’t you just wish the floor would open you up and swallow you at these moments?)

When Menthols Just Aren’t Enough

, , , , , | Right | March 14, 2019

(I’m working in a store one Sunday afternoon, behind the counter, when I see a young lad of about eight or nine enter the shop along with his father. No one else is in the store at the time. On seeing me, the young lad rushes in front of his dad and says to me importantly:)

Young Lad: “My dad is after some Golden Vagina Tobacco, please.”

(The father approaches counter; he obviously didn’t hear what his son said.)

Me: *to the father* “I understand you are looking for some Golden Virginia Tobacco?”

Father: *totally unaware of why his son is now blushing furiously* “Yes, please.”

(I served him and off they went, and then I giggled quietly to myself.)

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