Periodically Stupid

, , , , , | Working | December 3, 2017

(For the past few months, I have been having heavy periods and horrific pain, so bad that I ended up going to A&E twice in one week. Eventually, I get a gynaecology appointment, a month after my emergency trips, though at a hospital I have never been to. However, it is the earliest available date and I need it. After a few questions…)

Doctor: “Do you use birth control?”

Me: “No. I’ve never had sex. It causes me so much pain that I have to stop immediately. I can’t even have physical examinations, because the smallest equipment hurts so much.”

Doctor: “Is there any chance that you are pregnant?”

Me: “…”

(I’m now waiting for another appointment to pop up.)

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It’s A Dog’s (Very Short) Life

, , , , , | Right | December 2, 2017

(A customer calls us up asking for her dog to be euthanised. From the call, her dog seems to be extremely old, and suffering considerably. As she isn’t registered with us, we offer to take a look. I am called into the reception after she arrives.)

Receptionist: “[My Name], this is the, umm, ‘old’ dog.”

(I see the customer holding what a dog that I would say is about five or six. It seems perfectly happy and content.)

Me: “Sorry, Mrs. [Customer #1], I thought your dog was elderly and in poor condition.”

Customer #1: “It is! Just look at him. He’s barely holding on. He’s much too old. Just take him, please.”

Me: “How old is he?”

Customer #1: “Five!”

(I look at the receptionist and she is a bewildered as I am.)

Me: “Dogs typically live ten to fifteen years, and this breed can outlive that, easily, with proper care. Judging from his demeanour, he seems fine.”

Customer #1: “Oh, you don’t know what you’re talking about! Fifteen years is far too long. Just take him, please.”

Me: “I’m sorry, but I’m going to have to refuse.”

Customer #1: *huffs* “Why won’t anyone kill my dog?!”

Customer #2: “Because he’s f****** healthy! If you don’t want him, I’ll take him.”

Customer #1: *excited* “Really? You’ll take my old, suffering, close-to-death dog?”

(After [Customer #2] got his own dog back, they both left. Two weeks later, [Customer #1]’s dog was registered with us, and was perfectly healthy. He was recently in for his vaccinations, and [Customer #2] said [Customer #1]’s children were devastated that she was getting rid of him, but since then they regularly go to his house to play with and take care of him, in the company of an owner who isn’t out to kill him.)

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A Storm In A Teacup

, , | Right | December 2, 2017

(Our store is on a university campus. The university is having an open day, so it’s very busy. I’ve accidentally put this lady’s order in a take-away cup, instead of a sit-in.)

Customer’s Daughter: “It’s okay, Mum; it’s the same drink.”

Customer: “No, I want a fresh one in a real cup.”

Me: “No problem, I’ll make a fresh one and bring it over to your table.”

(The customer doesn’t go to her table. She stands at the bar and watches me to make sure I “get it right” whilst making comments about how I can’t follow “simple instructions.”)

Customer: “If you went to university, you’d be able to get a real job.”

Me: “Actually, I am a student here, and so are my colleagues. I’m doing a PhD, [Colleague] is studying Physics, and [Other Colleague] is fluent in four languages. Have a nice day visiting our campus!”

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Makes You Want To Take Medical Leave

, , , , , | Right | December 1, 2017

(Our manager is taken sick at work and we have to call an ambulance. As a result, we’re closing early. Although we’ve put signs up, no one reads them, so I am standing at the door asking people not to come inside. Our shop is in the same building as a bookshop, which is remaining open.)

Me: “Sorry, guys, we’re closing early today, due to our manager being unwell.”

Customer: “I just want a hot chocolate.”

Me: “Unfortunately, we’re closing, and all the machines are being turned off.”

(As she is launching into a rant, the ambulance pulls up and paramedics go inside.)

Customer: “But I want a hot chocolate! No one else sells this hot chocolate! Can’t you just pour out some you’ve already made?”

Me: “We don’t have any made up right now; everything has been cleared away.”

(She looks at the sign, which says the bookshop is remaining open.)

Customer: “Where is [Bookshop] then?”

Me: “It’s just next door.”

(She peers through the door at the displays.)

Customer: “Oh. I thought you were trying to help me find another cafe. The least you could do is put a sign up.”

(She walked away in a huff, and people kept coming to the door and asking why we were closed, even whilst they could see the paramedics inside!)

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Dying To Be Taken Off Your List

, , | Working | December 1, 2017

(My friend answers the phone to an unknown number.)

Friend: “Hullo.”

Caller: “Hello, I can see from our records that you were recently involved in a car accident that wasn’t your fault.”

(My friend doesn’t even own a car.)

Friend: “Yes, I was, but I died in it. I’m dead now.”

Caller: “Oh! Um, er… sorry to hear that. I guess we’ll take your number off our database.”

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