It’s Christmas, so I’m going to write a little differently, and have every sentence in this post be in rhyme:

My dad and our family liked meat a lot, but my entitled aunt, who shall be called EA here, did not.

EA was a vegan, a plant lover, see. Any animal-based product was pure tragedy.

At no other point did she make herself clear than on Christmas Eve on the 2005th year.

My dad always held a large dinner party, our relatives ranging from bitter to hearty.

He always loved meat, whether pork, beef, or jerky, and always took pride in his Christmas turkey.

At the time, I was still a small boy, admiring my cousins’ new Hot Wheel toys.

We were watching Rudolph when all of a sudden, I heard a loud scream that could curdle one’s blood in.

We rushed to the kitchen, and there was my dad, yelling at EA, furiously mad.

Due to fuzzy memory, the quotes aren’t exact, but I fully remember the tone and the tact.

Dad: “What’s this balderdash!? Why did you put my turkey in the trash?!”

EA: *Quipped* “I threw animal cruelty away! Why must you do this before Christmas Day?!”

Dad: *Barked* “I made you a salad, you shrew! Just because you’re vegan doesn’t mean we must be, too!”

EA: *Just yelling* “You should be ashamed! Don’t you know how these turkeys were maimed?!”

Dad: “I don’t give a darn what you eat! You keep your plants, and I’ll keep my meat!”

Dad: “If you don’t like it, get out of my house!”

EA grabbed her kids, who were quiet as a mouse.

She then whispered in her huffy stroll:

EA: “Don’t worry, kids. Meat eaters get coal.”

I started crying because of the yelling, but my grandma soothed me in her voice so compelling.

We ended up ordering pizza that night. Other than the turkey, things turned out all right.

EA still came every Christmas since then, but kept her mouth shut about being vegan.

I think she especially became less of a brat when Animal Control took her “vegan” cat.

She didn’t stop us from having our Christmas feast,

And he, he himself, her son, carved the roast beast.

I am stocking a shelf when a woman and the store owner approach me, shouting something incoherently.

Owner: *Looking furious* “Call my daughter a whore again, and you’ll regret ever having a mouth!”

The woman practically turns white and runs for it.

Me: “What was that about?”

Owner: “Never mind. You’re also my daughter if anyone asks.”

Me: “Okay?”

My new member of staff is being rather rules-lawyer about the health rules put in place due to the health crisis. Mostly, though, he follows them.

Mostly. I have had several other members of staff complain that he is pulling his mask down to sneeze and not covering his face at all, just sneezing over the desk!

Then, I witnessed this myself. I go over and tell him that this isn’t acceptable.

Employee: “If I sneeze with a mask on, I can’t breathe and I’ll pass out.”

Me: “Even if that were true, you’re not even covering your mouth and nose at all, which is a huge biohazard.”

Employee: “I’ll pass out from lack of oxygen.” *Smug face*

I go away and return with a box of disposable masks and a colouring book and crayons I had in my bag for my nephew later.

Me: “Here’s the deal. My youngest nephew doesn’t understand masks or not sneezing on people. So if you say you don’t either, I’m going to assume you’re like him and send you home to go colour. Alternatively, if you do understand better than a four-year-old, here are some additional masks so you can replace ones you’ve sneezed in with a fresh one.”

He got very offended. But he did accept the box of masks and hasn’t sneezed on anyone since. He still glares at me, but I don’t care.

This story is part of our Best Of December 2020 roundup!

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A man is calling about a car insurance quote he says he got online through a price comparison site that he can no longer find a record of. I’ve tried everything to find his quote but nothing comes up.

Eventually, I learn that it was almost five weeks ago that he got the quote, so I tell him it’s most likely not valid anymore as we only hold quotes for thirty days. He gets angry and demands a manager.

Manager: “I’m sorry, sir, but [My Name] is correct. If you didn’t accept the quote at the time, then the price is most likely no longer available.”

Caller: “That’s ridiculous. You’re violating the rules set by the financial conduct authority.”

Manager: *Feigning ignorance* “Which rules are these, sir?”

Caller: *Sputters* “The rules! Where once you’ve given a price to a customer you have to honour it.”

Manager: “Did you accept the quote when you got it?”

Caller: “No.”

Manager: “How long did you think the price was to remain valid?”

Caller: “Until I bought it, of course.”

Manager: “So, if I’m understanding correctly you expected insurance prices to remain exactly the same, forever, just to suit yourself?”

Caller: “You can’t treat a customer like this.”

Manager: “But you’re not a customer. You’ve admitted you don’t have a policy with us, and frankly, there’s not much point in us continuing this conversation as I can do nothing more for you. You can get a new quote online or speak to [My Name] for a quote.”

Caller: “Fine, but I want a discount for all the hassle you put me through.”

Manager: “Hassle?”

Caller: “Yes! I’ve been on the phone now for thirty minutes. I could’ve been doing something else with my time, you know.”

Manager: “That was your own choice, sir, so no, I will not authorise a discount. You could’ve chosen to believe my colleague when she told you the price wasn’t available, but you decided to wait and hear it from a manager.”

Caller: “You people are disgusting. Hiking up the prices and lying to customers.”

Manager: “Sir, rates change for a multitude of reasons, but if there’s nothing else I can help you with, I will disconnect our call here, as there appears to be nothing more I can do for you.”

Caller: “You can help me save money and stop stealing from good people!”

Manager: “Well! Let me help you save money on your phone bill, then.”

Caller: “What, how?”

Manager: *Click*

This story is part of our Best Of December 2020 roundup!

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My nephew is visiting my home for dinner. I mention my Christmas plans for this year, which prompts my nephew to bring up his misadventure last Christmas.

Nephew: “Did I ever tell you that story where I got into a drinking contest last Christmas?”

Me: “No. What happened?”

Nephew: “Okay, so school had just finished their Christmas party and holidays were about to begin. And a few of my dormmates decided to challenge the rest of us to drinking contests as an after-party.”

Me: “And the teachers allowed you to do that?”

Nephew: “Nope. It was totally illegal. Anyway, [Dormmate #1] somehow convinced me to get into a drinking contest with him. I initially declined, but then he said he’d give me a handicap. For every shot of wine I took, he’d take a shot of vodka, instead.”

Me: “Vodka? Are you serious?”

Nephew: “He’s Estonian! You know, ex-Soviet Union. They can drink.”

Me: “Jesus. Imagine the state of his liver. Anyway, what happened next?”

Nephew: “So, we sat down and started drinking. Loser suffered a penalty. In my case, the loser had to wear [Dormmate #1]’s girlfriend’s prom dress and pose in front of the whole dorm.”

Me: “You’re serious?”

Nephew: “Eh, it wasn’t so bad. My friend [Dormmate #2] had to swallow a morning-after pill when he lost.”

Me: “Oh, my God! Was he okay?”

Nephew: *Shrugs* “He was a lightweight. Went down after only five shots of wine. I went to fifteen.”

Me: “So what happened? Did you win?”

Nephew: “I woke up the next morning with the worst hangover, still wearing that prom dress. I had to ask the cleaning lady to help me out of it.”

Me: “You lost? But he was drinking vodka; you had wine!”

Nephew: “Like I said, he’s ex-Soviet Union. He can drink. I actually still have the prom dress. His girlfriend didn’t want it back.”