(I’m hiring for a new position on my team. The salary is very attractive, as it’s a specialised role. I’ve offered to meet anyone who has any questions about the role before they apply. The meetings are informal, but I am shocked by just how informal some people are.)

Me: “So, do you have any questions about the role or the responsibilities?”

Applicant #1: “Well, could you start by talking me through the role? I haven’t read the job description yet; I just saw the salary and decided to apply.”

Applicant #2: “I don’t have any questions about the job, because I don’t care what I do. I just saw it’s Monday through Friday only; is that right?”

Applicant #3: “Would I ever need to travel to [Site #2 about one hour away]?”

Me: “More than likely, as the team there will be part of our core users. You’d probably need to be there once a week at least, but your expenses will be covered.”

Applicant #3: “Hm, is that negotiable? I don’t have time to be driving to the site.”

Applicant #4: “Will I be busy all day, or will I have downtime?”

Me: “Uh, well, the workload isn’t unmanageable but there will be enough work to fill your entire day, every day.”

Applicant #4: “Do you ever have quiet periods, like the way sales aren’t busy after Christmas?”

Me: “No, our workload stays consistent throughout the year.”

Applicant #4: “Oh, I was really hoping I’d have some downtime during the day.”

(I work in a shoe shop. A customer enters and asks to see slippers for her mother. I fetch a few in the required size for the customer to look at.)

Customer: *holding slipper* “So, you just put your foot in it?”

Me: *pause* “Yes.”

(Times like this make me thankful I have a good brain-mouth filter. The other answers that popped into my head were far more flippant.)

(Every morning I have a regular couple. They always order the same thing, so today I decide to try an upsell.)

Me: “Good morning, Mr. H. Is it the usual today?”

Mr. H: “Yes, please, [My Name].”

Me: “Can I tempt you to anything to nibble on this morning? We have some lovely croissants.”

Mr. H: “Oh, no, thank you. I’ll just wait for Mrs H to get back and I’ll nibble on her.”

(This customer calls in a lot with these kind of calls.)

Me: “Hello. Welcome to [Company] technical. My name is [My Name]; how can I help?”

Customer: “Where’s my laptop?”

(This is in for repair and has only been away two days.)

Me: *took his details* “It says that it is still in repair and is well along the process; currently they are trying to recover all the data for you.”

Customer: “But I need it.”

Me: “I understand that, but I can’t get it done faster.”

Customer: “I work for the Ministry of Defense, and there are military secrets on that laptop.”

Me: *knowing this guy is trying to pull my leg* “I’m afraid that doesn’t change the fact I cannot get it back.”

Customer: “NO. YOU DON’T UNDERSTAND. I WANT MY LAPTOP WITH GOVERNMENT INFORMATION AND SECRETS FROM THE MILITARY BACK.”

Me: “Well, surely the Ministry of Defense wouldn’t come to us for a laptop repair.” *click*

(I give birth to my son, and through some great support from my local breastfeeding support group, I’m able to successfully breastfeed him without supplementing with formula. When he is eight months old, I visit the paediatrician for a check-up.)

Doctor: “What formula does he have?”

Me: “He is breastfed.”

Doctor: “What milk does he have?”

Me: “Breast milk.”

Doctor: *sighing irritably* “WHAT FORMULA DOES HE HAVE?”

Me: *confused* “He doesn’t drink formula; he is breastfed.”

Doctor: “Okay, okay. What follow-on milk does he have?”

Me: “He doesn’t; he drinks breast-milk.”

Doctor: *glares at me as if I’m being difficult* “What… yogurt-y drinks does he have?”

Me: “HE… IS… EXCLUSIVELY… BREASTFED!”

(The doctor slammed the notes shut with irritation, and then blinked at me when he realised my son had been feeding this whole time!)