(I’m running the front of the restaurant alone during an extremely busy dinner rush while my coworker helps my manager cook in the kitchen. This hasn’t ever been a problem; people are usually much nicer when I’m out there solo. I’ve been able to remember drinks orders pretty well tonight, so I’ve been doing my best to keep people happy. One table has been taken over by local regulars; no problem, even easier for me to remember their drinks, so I keep them well topped up. I’m summoned into the kitchen momentarily to answer a question my manager asks while my coworker comes out to the bar to get her phone as her daughter is ill and needs to be kept on her. Unbeknownst to me, she also serves the regulars some more drinks and doesn’t tell me, and I’m unable to see this as the table is around the corner. I’ve never had any issue with one of the regulars, but as she has caused problems for my coworkers before, I keep an eye on her, being sure to remain friendly. I come out of the kitchen, smiling at the regular customer since she has brought up her empty glass and placed it on the counter, and she is now watching me and waiting silently.)

Me: “Oh, hey! I’ll be right with you; I just gotta wash my hands! Accidentally got covered in ketchup out there!”

Regular: *overly sweet* “Oh, take your time, sweetie! I’m in no rush here!”

(I quickly wash my hands off and make a big show of thoroughly drying them; we can get in trouble if a customer thinks we have dirty hands so it has to almost be theatrical. I pick up the empty wine glass with a smile and hold it up, as I usually do before I refill.)

Me: “Oh, same again? It was [red wine], if I remember correctly, right?”

(The regular suddenly goes from a sweet expression to a rage that I honestly cannot describe, and before I can react she’s brought her arm back and PUNCHED ME hard enough in the face that I almost fall over, barely keeping my feet under me.)

Regular: “How dare you suggest I’m an alcoholic, you little b****?! Can’t you see I’ve got already got another glass?! I was being kind and bringing the old one back; clearly you don’t deserve it!”

Me: “I… I…”

(I’m in so much shock I can’t speak; I’m hurting and confused as to what just happened. Every table, which had all been fairly loud, has gone eerily silent. I can only watch as the regular goes back to her table, still not understanding what I did to deserve such an attack. The silence in the restaurant must have been noticed by my manager because she comes rushing out and sees me.)

Manager: *concerned* “[My Name]! What’s going on?!”

Another Customer: *pointing* “That crazy woman on that table just punched her for doing her job! She just asked if she wanted another drink!”

Manager: “What?! [My Name], is this true?”

Me: *nods, and I’m only just noticing I’m crying, trying to rub the tears away because I already felt embarrassed enough in front of the customers* “Y-yeah, [Regular] just went nuts at me…”

Manager: “All right, you go finish helping [Coworker] in the kitchen for me. I’ll sort this out for you.”

(I did as I was told, and within a couple of minutes my manager came back and told me [Regular] had run off with the rest of her table. I finished my shift out front again, still fairly shaken, but my other customers were extremely kind and patient, with many of them leaving huge tips as they left. Thankfully, we were able to get the CCTV footage after my shift finished and handed it to the police. The regular hasn’t been back in since, and I’m still waiting for the final outcome for the assault charge against her.)

(A furious woman has called in claiming we are overcharging her on her credit card statement. She is screaming and cursing down the phone at me but has started to run out of steam.)

Me: “On the current statement it shows that last month your total was £390. Is that correct?”

Caller: “Yes.”

Me: “And it shows that you paid the full amount of £390. Is that correct?”

Caller: “Yes.”

Me: “And then it shows that you made purchases this month to the value of £276. Is that correct?”

Caller: “Yes.”

Me: “Okay, and it’s showing that the total owing this month is £276, so you have not been overcharged.”

Caller: “Are you f****** stupid or something? That’s too much! You’re overcharging me! Idiot.”

Me: “Okay, let’s break this down. You spent £52 in [Shop #1], then £137 in [Shop #2], £40 in [Shop #3] and £47 in [Shop #4]. Is that correct?”

Caller: “Yes, I’m not an idiot. I know where I f****** used my card and I only used it four times.”

Me: “£52 + £137 + £40 + £47 is £276, which is exactly what’s owing on your statement.”

Caller: “It’s not f****** right! How stupid can you be to not see that?”

Me: “Do you have a calculator there? Can you add up the four transactions yourself?”

Caller: “That’s your job. I’m not doing your f****** job for you.”

Me: “Okay, but you agree that you paid your statement in full last month. You also agree that the four transactions on this statement and the amounts are right, but when I add them together you are insistent that the total is wrong. Maybe it would help if you added them up yourself?”

Caller: “I’ve already done that and I’m telling you it’s wrong! How can you work for a bank and not be able to do basic f****** maths?”

Me: “With all due respect, I’m not the one struggling with the maths here. I cannot help you further, so I will be terminating this call. I suggest you visit your nearest branch and have someone talk you through your statement as I can’t make this any simpler for you.”

(Our returns policy is pretty relaxed, giving customers 100 days to return clothing if they change their mind. However, this is only with a receipt. We have sales on most of our clothing items every four weeks, so if a customer purchases an item of clothing the week before the sale, loses the receipt, and then tries to return it after the sale has begun, we can only give them store credit for whatever the item rings up on the till as. Sometimes this can be as much as 50% of the original price. Most customers accept that it’s their fault for losing the receipt, but some get very annoyed.)

Customer: “Hi. I bought this dress, but when I went to put it on it had a small hole at the top. I don’t have the receipt, though, as I only tried it on last week.”

Me: “Oh, okay. Would you like an exchange or refund?”

Customer: “A refund, please, as I’ve already bought a similar dress that fits me.”

(I process the refund to find that the dress rings up at £8. The tag on it says £16, meaning it has since gone down in the sale.)

Me: “Okay, I can give you the value on a gift card, but it looks like it has gone to £8 in the sale. And without a receipt, I can only give you what it scans at. Is that okay?”

Customer: “What?! I paid £16 for this dress. I expect £16 back as it was defective, through no fault of my own.”

Me: “I’m sorry, but I can only give you the value of what it scans at, as per our returns policy.”

(The customer stared at me for a moment, before declaring that she’d like to speak to a manager. The manager for the clothing department is quite strict on policies set by Head Office. He came over and explained the policy to her. I offered to try and look up the original receipt for the dress for her. However, the system is rather old and requires the specific date of purchase to look up a receipt. She told me she bought it “two or three weeks ago.” Feeling sorry for her, I agreed to search manually through the whole month’s transaction history — I can specify it to the dress’s barcode, to save a bit of time — in order to get her the full refund. I spent almost two hours searching and could not find her original receipt. In the end, I left it to my supervisor to contact her and tell her that we could not locate her original receipt, and that if she wanted the partial refund she would have to come in soon. A few days later, she returned the dress at its sale price with no argument.)

(I am working the breakfast shift and I serve a gentleman a mug of tea.)

Customer: “How much is it for a full cup of tea? This is half empty!”

Me: “Sorry, sir, I have only left a little room at the top for you to pour your milk in.”

Customer: “This is ridiculous. You wouldn’t serve me a pint of beer like that, would you?”

Me: “No, because you wouldn’t be putting milk in your beer, sir.”

(I have been working at my new job for about a month. I am heading to the kitchen when I notice our elderly receptionist trying to replace the toner in a printer. I see she is struggling so I offer to help.)

Receptionist: “Oh, thank you. I always have trouble with these big ones.”

Me: “No worries.”

Receptionist: “You’re quite a strong woman, aren’t you?”

Me: “Well, I grew up with five brothers. It helps to build muscle mass.”

(She gently squeezes my arm.)

Receptionist: “Yes, nice and buff, like a man.”

(She smiles.)

Receptionist: “Are you one of those transsexuals?” 

Me: “Um, no.”

Receptionist: “Hmm, I think you are. You’re too strong to be a woman. My grandson dresses up like that Gaga woman, and he can barely lift my cat.”

(She smiled again and left.)