My mother sells second-hand and homemade clothing out of vintage fabric at an eco market with very hippy vibes.
Customer: *Picks up a hat.* “I do hope this fabric is fully organic and GMO-free.”
My Mum: “It’s a hat made from a tea towel from the seventies.”
Customer: “Which means?”
My Mum: “It means keep hoping…”
Customer: “What’s your soup tonight?”
Me: “Cream of Mushroom.”
Customer: “Oh, I didn’t know you could milk mushrooms!”
Me: “Uh, no, it’s mushrooms and cream, mixed together in a soup.”
Customer: “…oh. I better not order that then. I’m allergic to mushrooms.”
By now, his partner is looking at him with the kind of look I am not professionally allowed to give to customers.
Customer: *To his partner.* “What? I’m allergic to mushrooms, not cream of mushroom!”
Related:
Not Quite The Cream Of The Crop, Part 8
Not Quite The Cream Of The Crop, Part 7
Not Quite The Cream Of The Crop, Part 6
Not Quite The Cream Of The Crop, Part 5
Not Quite The Cream Of The Crop, Part 4
I was on a baby first aid course, and we were being told how to do CPR on a baby. A soon-to-be dad raises his hand to ask:
Soon-To-Be-Dad: “Are the rescue breaths sucking the air out of the baby’s mouth?”
Trainer: *After blinking a few times.* “No, you’re blowing into their mouth, not sucking out.”
Soon-To-Be-Dad: “But how can you be sure?”
Trainer: “Just do it how I showed you, and you should be good.”
His pregnant partner beside him gives him a gentle slap on the shoulders.
Pregnant Partner: “Honestly, Barry, calm down! You’re going to be a dad, not a dementor!”
I volunteer at an animal care centre located inside a shopping centre. We sell some pet supplies, but we also help people meet and adopt animals in a calmer environment than a traditional shelter.
One day, a woman approaches me looking concerned.
Customer: “Our pet bird got out and flew away. Do you think it’ll come back?”
Me: “I don’t know much about birds, but I think it’s safe to assume that an escaped pet bird probably won’t return unless it has been trained to.”
Customer: “Oh dear… We’d only had it for three days, so it probably hadn’t memorized our address yet.”
I work in a small Scottish town near the Glenfinnan Viaduct, which is an iconic curved railway bridge made famous by appearing in many movies and TV shows. As a result, we get a lot of visitors passing through who want to come and see the viaduct, among other things.
A tourist family is buying a few odds and ends from the little corner shop where I work. As they’re paying:
Customer: “Do y’all accept American Express?”
Me: “We do.”
Customer: “Awesome! We’ve been struggling to find places that accept it.”
Me: “Yeah, it’s not as universally accepted here as it is in the… I’m assuming you’re from the States?”
Customer: “Yeah! We came here to see the Harry Potter bridge!”
I hate it when the viaduct is called that, but hey, whatever brings in money.
Me: “Yes, it’s very impressive, isn’t it?”
Customer: “We were hoping the train would go over it, but we were told that’s just in the movies.”
Me: “Yes, the—”
Customer: “Do we just keep driving down this road to get to the Black Lake?”
Me: “Loch Shiel, which is what it’s really called, is just a few minutes’ drive down that road, and then at the end is the pier where you can take a boat tour.”
Customer: “How far down the lake is Hogwarts?”
Me: “You mean the filming location? That’s not really too accurate, as the film used a lot of special effects, but the whole loch is beautiful, and—”
Customer: “Yes, I know they used lots of effects, but where is the actual building?”
Me: “Building?”
Customer: “The big castle they used for Hogwarts!”
Me: “There isn’t a castle on the loch. As I said, those were models and special effects that you saw in the movie.”
Customer: “What do you mean there’s no castle?! But that’s why we came!”
Me: “I’m sorry, I don’t know what to tell you, but the loch is just natural landscape all the way down. It really is beautiful on its own though, and the—”
Customer: “—We came all the way from Texas to see Hogwarts, and you’re telling me it was never there?!”
Me: “It was just a film.”
Customer: “F***! First the whole Nessie monster was fake, and now this?! This trip sucks!”