Night Of The Entitled Dead

, , , , | Right | June 12, 2017

(I work for a complaints department in an insurance company. The caller stopped paying their life insurance premiums and understandably (you’d think), his policy was cancelled. He contacted us a few years later.)

Customer: “But how could you have cancelled the policy? You owe me £3,000!”

Me: “That’s the amount of cover you had on the policy. Because the premiums haven’t been paid, the policy has lapsed and you’re no longer covered. Because it was life insurance, it would only have paid out that amount on your death.”

Customer: “How DARE you tell me I’m not dead! I demand you pay me MY money IMMEDIATELY!”

They’re Not Horsing Around With Those Toppings

, , , , , , | Working | June 12, 2017

(We are sitting down for pizza in an area of London that is notorious for its hipsters. This usually means some weird options in restaurants, such as cauliflower cheese pizza. We are ready to order.)

Waiter: “This is one of our most popular pizzas, made with our best horse cheese.”

Friend: “I’m… sorry?”

Waiter: “It comes with premium toppings, including horse cheese.”

(We look at each other before looking back at the waiter.)

Friend: “Could we order it with regular cheese?”

Waiter: “I’m not sure; let me check…”

(He walks into the kitchen and calls out loudly for the chef, and pretty much the whole restaurant heard what came next.)

Waiter: “Hey, can we do the pizzas without horse cheese?”

Chef: “What the f*** is horse cheese?!”

(The restaurant LOST it! Apparently the staff had been playing a prank on the waiter, but no customers had thought to ask about the ‘horse cheese’ up until then! I wonder if it’s really a thing, or if some people will just eat anything without question!)

Trying To Milk Their Services

, | Right | June 12, 2017

(A man approaches the bar with a carton of almond milk he’s bought from another shop.)

Customer: “Can you guys just steam this and put it in a take-out cup for me?”

Coworker: “Uh, no…”

You’ll Get No Sympathy (Cards) From Me

, , | Friendly | June 12, 2017

(Due to an invisible, chronic pain illness, my mind isn’t as sharp as it used to be. This means things sometimes fall out of my mouth without meaning to, especially if I can’t think of the right word. I’m in a card shop with my friend after the morning school run.)

Me: “Oh, I just remembered, I need to get a card.”

Friend: “What kind?”

Me: “Um… oh d*** it, I had it. It’s not a birthday one…”

Friend: “Anniversary?”

Me: “Ooh, that’s it. A ‘sorry you’re dead’ card.”

Friend: *bursts into laughter* “I think you’ll find they’re called sympathy cards!”

Massive Conversational Fail

, , , , | Learning | June 12, 2017

(I’m a mature science student in my first year of university. When it comes to choosing optional modules for the second year:)

Me: “…so, I’d like to take the optional history module, assuming I don’t massively fail the exam coming up for this semester’s optional history module.”

Adviser: “Don’t worry. When have you massively failed at anything?”

Me: “Well, when I was fifteen, doing GCSEs. That’s why I’m ten years older than everyone else here.”

Page 338/352First...336337338339340...Last