The Pen Is Mightier Than Your Word

, , , , , , | Working | October 18, 2017

(I work for a supermarket as a delivery driver. My job requires me to do some paperwork and I often find myself needing pens. One morning I decide to purchase some from the store I’m based out of before I begin my shift, and I pick up some breakfast while I’m doing this. To get from the aisle with my breakfast items to the pens I walk past the front of store security officer who is well-known for his dislike of delivery drivers, for reasons I don’t know.)

Security Officer: “Excuse me, you can’t take items you purchased through to the staff room from the back; you have to go around the outside.”

(This is a store policy to prevent staff taking items from the shelves and consuming them without paying for them.)

Me: “Yup, I know, but I’m going to get some pens.”

Security Officer: “You cannot take items through the store; you must go around the outside.”

Me: “Yes. I know. I haven’t even paid for this yet. I want to go and get some pens.”

Security Officer: “If you attempt to go further I will have to detain you and inform your manager.”

Me: “Fine, I tell you what; hold my breakfast while I go and get pens.” *I hand him my breakfast and start to walk away.*

Security Officer: “It is not my job to return the items you are attempting to steal; please do so yourself and in future, control yourself!”

(I ignored him, walked over to the aisle containing pens, and picked up a pack. I walked back over, took my breakfast from him, and joined the line to pay for my purchases and proceeded to go about my work day. It turns out he decided to report my “attempted theft” to my manager, but my manager is well aware of his grudge against delivery drivers and ignored him. Some days later my manager informed me I had been reported for “gross misconduct” to the store manager. Since the CCTV footage showed me walking through the store, getting my breakfast, attempting to get pens, and nothing else, it was concluded by the store manager that I was probably just getting pens.)

Unfiltered Story #97904

| Unfiltered | October 18, 2017

I’m at work at a cafe and a couple walk in. The man orders a coffee and then asks his wife what she wants to drink.
Her: I kind of want Mac & Cheese.
Him: What? Don’t think about food! How can you think about food?
Her: Because I’m hungry.
Him: How can you be hungry?!
Her: Because I missed breakfast!
Him: *pause* We JUST had lunch!
I ended up having to pretend we’d run out of milk just so I had an excuse to go into the back because I had to laugh!

Unfiltered Story #97902

| Unfiltered | October 18, 2017

Me: Can I get you anything?

Customer: No, thank you. I was wondering though, why are they’re so many alternative couples in here?

Me: Alternative?

Customer: Well, gay. I don’t like using that word though because it normalises the perverse.

Me: I see…well this is a gay bar, so that’s why there are so many gay couples.

Customer: Oh, an alternative bar! How interesting. Are you alternative?

Me: Yes, I’m gay.

Customer: How interesting!

Other than referring to anything gay as “alternative” she seemed quite pleased with everything and spent most of the evening with us.

Unfiltered Story #97900

| Unfiltered | October 18, 2017

We are having a midnight showing of the Rocky Horror Picture Show. As you would expect, we get quite a lot of lovely characters turning up. Another movie has just ended and people are leaving. One woman runs up to me screaming.


Me: Sorry, madam, but could you please control your language. There is a showing of Rocky Horror, and some fans are quite committed.

Woman: It’s disgusting. You should be ashamed, letting so many homos into such a respectable establishment. I watched Passion of the Christ here just last week! REPENT!

She then ran out of the theater screaming bible verses to confused and horrified onlookers.

Not About To Have An Opening

, , , | Right | October 17, 2017

(Our building used to be located opposite the town library, but separated by a busy two-lane road. We have just moved to a new purpose-built building on the other side of town, when I get a call.)

Me: “Good morning! This is [College]. How can I help?”

Caller: “Yeah, get me the number for the library!”

Me: “Sure, I’ll just put you through to the campus library.”

Caller:No! I don’t want no crappy campus library! I mean the real library opposite you. I want you to go look at the opening times.”

Me: *speechless* “You want me to walk to the other side of town to the main library just to get their opening times?”

Caller: “I don’t see how it’s hard; just look out your window!”

Me: “We have moved buildings to the other side of town, so even if I wanted to, I couldn’t do that. You can either call them or go online to find out that information.”

Caller: “WHAT F****** GOOD ARE YOU?!” *hangs up*