So THAT’S Why Mona Lisa Was Smiling

, , , , , | Learning | June 19, 2017

(Our teacher gives us twenty minutes at the end of a lesson on Friday to ask the most random questions and then debate one of them. We write them down and put them into a tombola for her to pick out of. The last few weeks every topic has been asking whether a prominent historical figure was gay, so this week she has pleading and praying that there isn’t another one.)

Teacher: *picking a topic* “Oh, for pity’s sake!”

(She turns around and writes the question on the whiteboard.)

Question: “Was Leonardo da Vinci gay?”

(She sat down and took some ibuprofen before letting us debate. Unbeknownst to her, we have all been putting those questions in the hat this month!)

A Spreadsheet As Empty As Their Brain

, , , , | Working | June 18, 2017

(A colleague contacts me on Instant Messenger to ask about project progress. I need some background so I ask him for the project spreadsheet.)

Colleague: “It’s on [sharelink].”

(I try it out and I don’t have access to that sharelink. So I ask him to email it to me.)

Colleague: “Can’t email it to you; it’s too big.”

(Our mailboxes are limited to handling files of 5 megabytes. That is a h*** of a large spreadsheet if it’s bigger than 5 megabytes, considering the project has barely started.)

Colleague: “Okay, I’ve got access to that sharelink for you.”

(I access it, and see indeed, the file is 9 megabytes big. I can’t open it in situ, so I download it and open it locally. I find that it has one active sheet that consists of 75 lines of actual data, and another 1.7 million blank lines (blank, that is, apart from fancy formatting.)

Me: “Why is this file 9 megabytes big? Why has it got 1.7 million blank lines in it? The f*** are we wasting so much computer space? This is ridiculous.”

Colleague: “Well, if you’re so stupid as to be confused by a simple thing as spreadsheet structure, maybe you need to go on a training course to teach you how to use computers. I have a meeting to go to now. Once you have sorted yourself out and learned how we do things round here, I will contact you again.”

Me: “No worries.”

(I let him get on with it. He never got back in touch with me to ask my advice, which was all well and good, as I was able to spend the rest of the day, uninterrupted, fulfilling my role as technical design authority and performing a code quality review of his (not particularly high quality) code.)

Cementing That Image Into Your Mind

, , , , | Learning | June 18, 2017

(We are learning sex education, and our teacher has broached onto unusual sexual practices and fetishism. Don’t ask how it happened; it just did. There have been several things listed already.)

Student #1: “Enemas?”

Teacher: “Yes, they can also used in sexual practices.”

Student #2: “What about cement enemas?”

(I know exactly where he got the question from. The teacher does not however. You can tell she is trying to imagine the logistics.)

Teacher: “I… I need to lie down.” *leaves the classroom*

Student #3: “Oh, my God! You broke the teacher!”

Desperately Seeking Organizational Skills

, , , | Working | June 17, 2017

(I turn up for an interview, arriving early. I find the reception.)

Me: “I’m here to see [Manager] for an interview.”

Reception: “Oh! He’s in a meeting at the moment; can you wait a while?”

Me: “That’s fine. I’m a little early anyway.”

(I wait 5, 10, 15 minutes. I start to think something is wrong.)

Reception: “I’m sorry; his meeting has overrun. I will give him another call.”

Me: “No problem.”

(Eventually he wanders down, barely apologising.)

Manager: “So, the first thing I want to do is show you around. Oh, let me check if he’s available.”

(Makes a phone call.)

Manager: “Okay, so my engineer isn’t available; I will walk you around the factory.”

(If his organisational skills didn’t fail to impress, the company certainly did! We go from room to room and the place is a mess. We eventually go around to this engineer.)

Manager: “Part of the role is to program this CMM.”

Me: “I’m sorry, I thought it was explained. I made it clear to the recruiter and on my CV, that programming is something I haven’t tried in years and not something I market myself with. I am more than happy to pick it up, but I have to be totally honest; it’s not something I can hit the ground running with.”

Manager: “Okay, well, I will leave you with [Engineer] and see how you get on.”

(The engineer seems pretty decent and understanding. We drag through some questions and answers before the manager comes back.)

Manager: “Okay, I think we are done here. I will speak with [Engineer] and give you a call.”

(Needless to say, I didn’t get the job. The funny side of this story was that a year later I was asked to look at a CV. It was the same manager for a much more junior position. I explained to my boss the story and what do you know?  He didn’t get the job!)

It’s A Shock She’s Single…

, , , | Related | June 17, 2017

(My sister has had a nasty break up with her boyfriend. She’s really upset, but doesn’t like a lot of sympathy. I am out shopping at the time, and decide to ask if she wants a treat.)

Me: “Do you want some ice cream? I can come by on the way home.”

Sister: “I swear to god, I will piss over and break your legs!”

Me: “Okay, I know you’re angry, but you don’t have to be so disgusting!”

Sister: “S***! I meant come over.”

(She did get over it pretty quickly, but I kept the ice cream.)

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