I Love That You Know That

, , , , | Friendly | October 24, 2017

(I am asexual and aromantic.)

Friend: “Everybody needs love!”

Me: *glares at her*

Friend: *points to me* “Except you.”

Would Have You Do Hard Labor To Replace It

, , , , | Working | October 24, 2017

(I am leaving the fitting rooms when I hear a woman scream in pain and shout that her waters have broken. I pull the curtain back to see her on the floor crippled with pain and call 999. Several store workers also arrive, and we try to assist the woman in the best way we can. A manager then approaches.)

Manager: “Did you damage anything?”

Customer: “What?”

Manager: “Did YOU damage anything?”

(The customer and I stare at each other incredulously.)

Me: “She’s in labour!”

Manager: “We have a policy, sir.” *to the customer* “If you damaged anything, you will have to purchase them.”

Customer: “Whatever!”

(The emergency services arrive and carry her out in a gurney. As she is leaving, the manager comes up with a soaked bag and a chip and pin machine.)

Manager: “You aren’t going anywhere until you pay!”

Paramedic: “Sir, this woman is in labour! Surely this can wait!”

Manager: “Not on your life!”

(Then the manager thrust the chip and pin into the customer’s hands. As if preordained, the customer experienced a contraction at the same time, and screamed again while, literally, crushing the chip and pin between her hands. The manager yelped and fled, shouting to just forget it. I couldn’t imagine the strength the woman had in that moment, but she certainly made my day. I never found out what happened to her after that, but I hope she and her child are doing well.)

You Get To Experience Your First Day Twice

, , , , , | Working | October 24, 2017

(It is my first day in a new job. Just to illustrate how much this job means to me, I had to turn down a guaranteed part-time job just to attend the interview for this one. The office is 29 miles away from my house, and I don’t drive. I’ve just been let in.)

Security Guard: *to me and another guy who is starting the same job* “Can you guys wait here a minute? I need to check something.”

(Ten minutes later he comes back.)

Security Guard: “Sorry, but I’m going to have to send you home. We have nothing saying you should be here today, and the guy who hired you isn’t here, either.”

(We were both pretty floored by this, but there was nobody else we could talk to, so we didn’t have much choice. Luckily, the other guy offered me a lift back to my house, so I didn’t have to wait for a bus. I got back home, took off my suit, put my PJs on, and prepared for a lazy day. I was sitting, checking my emails, when I remembered I had some brief correspondence with another guy from the company about a training course we’d been sent on, and he had a phone number listed, so I tried calling him to see what was going on. He basically described the whole situation as being down to an “overzealous security guard,” assured me that I did in fact start that day, and asked if there was any way I could go back in. Cue a mad rush of me shedding pyjamas and throwing my suit on like I was Superman in reverse. Thankfully, I managed to get a lift to a town halfway there, and there just so happened to be a bus back to the office as I got into town. Luckily, the manager was there at that point, as were the other three people joining my team. We laugh about it now, but honestly, when it happened I was absolutely terrified that something had gone horribly wrong and the person who told me I’d gotten the job had been playing some kind of awful prank.)

Think Before One Flaps One’s Gums

, , , , , | Working | October 24, 2017

(My family and I are on vacation in London. We go to the Great British Beer Festival that happens in August. There’s a little vendor there selling my favorite British candy, wine gums, which I can’t easily buy in the US. I’m fairly certain I have a pretty obvious US accent, having lived there my entire life.)

Me: “I’m so glad I found these here! It’s our last day in London, and I haven’t had any wine gums the whole time!”

Vendor: “You know, we deliver candies all over!”

Me: “All over, really?”

Vendor: “Yeah! We can go anywhere!”

Me: “To the States?”

Vendor: *dejected* “Oh, yeah, I guess not anywhere. I meant within the UK.”

(I was sad, too. I really wanted those wine gums delivered to me!)

Not Into Darcy’s

, , , , , , | Related | October 24, 2017

(I’m female, and in my early 20s I am feeling out my nascent lesbianism. My family is pretty cool, but I am still quite nervous about coming out, especially as I’m not sure if I am gay, bi, confused, or going through a phase. One night, I go to the cinema with my dad to see the first Bridget Jones movie. At the end, he turns to me and, clearly trying to use young-person language, says:)

Dad: “So, Colin Firth? Is he… fit, then?”

Me: *caught off guard* “Ermmmmmm. Um… Ah. Um… Well, Dad, I’m not so much into boys at the minute.”

Dad: *without missing a beat* “So, Renée Zellweger. Is she fit, then?”