They Don’t Have Book Smarts

, , , , | Right | August 18, 2017

(A customer comes to the desk as my colleague, to my left, informs their customer that they’ve taken a book out before.)

Customer: “I hate it when you lot tell me that.”

Me: “Oh. The computer tells us automatically and some people don’t remember what they’ve read, or don’t recognise the cover if it’s a reprint and don’t like to reread a book.”

Customer: “It’s none of your business what I read. I don’t think you should be able to see that.”

Me: *unsure if he’s joking* “Well, we see the books when you bring them to the desk anyway?”

Customer: *not listening* “Should be freedom of information or something like that…”

Me: “Well, I’ll try to remember not to tell you when you’ve taken a book out before. Did you want your other books renewed?”

Customer: “Yes, please. What ones do I have out?”

Me: *speechless*

The Laws Of Thermodynamics Has Run Cold

, , , | Right | August 17, 2017

(A customer came in an hour ago with a friend. She ordered a coffee and has let it sit the entire time without drinking it. She comes to the counter.)

Customer: “Excuse me, but the coffee you made me is cold!”

Me: “I did make it an hour ago. It’s had time to cool.”

Customer: “That’s stupid. Hot drinks don’t get cold!”

Me: “I’m pretty sure they do.”

Customer: “No, they don’t. That breaks physics! Make it again, please. To go!”

(I made it again while she berated and educated me on “Newton’s Second Law of Special Relativity.” I want to believe she was joking, but I honestly don’t know.)

English And Math And Sex, Oh My

, , , | Learning | August 17, 2017

(I am 22, and have made the decision to go back into education and finally get some A-Levels. The course requires me to pass some basic GCSE’s in English and maths. I already have these and so should not have had to take the classes. I come in and show my results and GCSE certificates. These are scanned and copied to the relevant people and I am told “thanks, you don’t need to attend the maths or English classes now.” Fast forward a few months and my group tutor pulls me aside:)

Tutor: “[My Name] I have no idea why I’ve been given this message but apparently you haven’t been to a single maths or English class. I told them you already had GCSEs but they said they were told no such thing.”

Me: “But I spoke to the head of the English and maths department… She took copies of the results.”

(My tutor decided to take copies of them himself and return to her. We thought everything was okay but a few weeks later I am asked to attend a meeting with the deputy principal of the college to “review the status of my admission and the future of my placement.” My tutor and I go to the meeting armed with both the email chain he had with the head of the department and my results. The deputy principal agree that I should never have had to attend these classes and the matter is closed. However my torture is not to end. It turns out I have to attend an alternative class in this time slot. The first class I go to a teacher tries to have me apply for my provisional drivers license. That ends when I pull out my driving license and car keys. Following that I am sent to a class on ‘Personal Health’… This is a sex education class. Five minutes in I stood up and addressed the teacher.)

Me: “Umm, sorry. I know I have to be here but… I’m 22; there really isn’t much I’m going to learn here.”

(After that I was just given the hour slot off.)

H2-Slow To Realize, Part 3

, , , , , | Right | August 16, 2017

(I run and independent coffee shop on a very busy city centre street. We are known for our hearty and healthy food as well as home-baking and decent coffee. We also have a pretty strict “no outside food” policy. Our stuff is so good, so why would we let people bring their own stuff in? One day I arrive to find we have no water. I call the water board and they say that a pipe has burst in the area but that they are fixing it. The water, however, has been turned off in the area… maybe a mile radius. I put signs up saying explaining this and apologising, but we are still able to serve food, just no hot drinks or tap water. A couple come in for breakfast and see the signs, but I still explain the situation. She orders orange juice with her breakfast. He, however, doesn’t seem to get it.)

Man: “Just a filter coffee, please!”

Me: “I’m really sorry but due to the no water thing, I can only do cold drinks.”

Man “Oh, right. So… just a tea?”

Me: “Again, no water. I have bottles of iced tea?”

Man: *scoffing* “So you’re saying that your coffee shop has no coffee?!”

Me: “Yes. That’s exactly what I’m saying. No water, in a mile wide radius. Really sorry about this but they are working on the burst pipe!”

Man: “Well, there’s a [Huge International Coffee Chain] on the corner. Can I go and get one of their coffees and bring it back?”

Me: *knowing they have no water either but still trying to be polite and nice* “Sure thing. If they are able to make coffee, you’re welcome to bring it back.”

(The man left, quite smugly, only to return moments later, empty handed. Apparently they had no water either. Something about a burst pipe in the area…)

I’ll Have What She’s Having

, , , | Right | August 16, 2017

Customer: “Excuse me, is it true that your hot chocolate can induce orgasms?”

Me: “Umm, I don’t think so.”

Customer: “Have you had it?”

Me: “Yes, and no, it didn’t induce a… you know.”

Customer: *pointing to her friend* “[Friend] here says she has an orgasm every time she has your hot chocolate. Isn’t that right, [Friend]?”

Friend: *blushing and whispering* “No! I said I like it so much every time I have it that I could orgasm!”

Customer: “Oh. Well, I’ll just have a coffee, then.”

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