Eavesdropping Really Blows

, , , , , | Related | December 12, 2017

Girl: “Can I have a lollipop?”

Me: “Have you had a shot today?”

Girl: “No.”

Me: “Then, I’m sorry; you can’t have one.”

Girl: “I’ll give you a blowjob for one.”

Me: *taken aback* “How old are you?”

Girl: “Seven.”

(I don’t know what to say, so I just turn my back and ignore her.)

Mother: “[Girl], stop bothering that man.”

Girl: “But I want a lollipop. You said, ‘Give a man a blowjob and he’ll do anything for you.’”

(I turn back around and the mother is blushing. She drags her daughter out of the office.)

Mother: “What have I told about eavesdropping on your aunt and me when we’re having coffee?!”

(She came in this morning to request copies of her family’s prescriptions, so she can switch to another doctor. I hope she wasn’t switching because of the incident.)

Got To Give Him Extra Credit For Trying

, , , , , , | Working | December 12, 2017

I attempt to top-up my “pay as you go” mobile at a bank’s ATM, but the message on the screen says that the transaction failed. I try once more and get the same result, so I decide to try at a different bank.

Then I check my phone and see that, according to it, my credit had been topped up successfully, both times. So I go back to the bank and print a statement, which shows that both transactions failed and my account hasn’t been charged. Effectively, I have gained money out of nowhere!

I explain the situation to the teller, who tells me that there is nothing the bank can do, and it is the phone company’s problem. I call the phone company’s service number and tell them, but they insist it is the bank’s problem. Since both sides don’t want to do anything, I don’t mention it again.

I figured that eventually the issue would be discovered and the money taken from my account, but that never happened. I got a lot of credit for free.

He’s REALLY Away From Keyboard

, , , | Working | December 11, 2017

(I’m an IT technician who is currently fixing another worker’s webcam remotely, as I am on one side of the country while he is on the other. He has told me he will be away for half an hour, so I’m left to work alone. I finish updating the drivers and quickly load the webcam software to see if that has fixed the problem. When the window loads I’m met with two men completely naked and standing up, engaged in sex, one being the guy whose computer I’m working on. I’m in shock for a couple of seconds when I hear “OH, S***” and see them turn quickly and the webcam (which is integrated into the laptop’s monitor) face downwards. I quickly disconnect. I’m a little shaken, but ultimately decide to try and forget about it. I quickly send an email confirming the problem has been fixed and my intent to close his ticket.)

Me: “It would seem the drivers needed updating, and from what I’ve seen the webcam is working correctly now. If there are no other issues, I will be closing your ticket.”

Worker: “Wow, sorry about that. I didn’t expect it to be fixed so soon. I hope it wasn’t a tad much for you, seeing that. Let’s just keep this between us. Thanks for the help!”

(I never had any more tickets come in from him, thankfully…)

Auto-Rejected

, , , , | Learning | December 11, 2017

(The academy I work in has a sponsor who also owns an obscure chain of carpet shops. One day, he decides to write an autobiography and sends 20 copies to the staff room.)

Coworker: “The note says two of them are for the library. Do the ten-year-olds really want to read them that badly?”

Me: “What are the rest for?”

Coworker: “They’re for staff members to buy.”

Me: “Wait, so, they’re not even a gift?”

Coworker: “No.”

Me: “What are we going to say when we send 18 of them back?”

Allergic To Dairy And Dip-S***s

, , , , , , , | Romantic | December 11, 2017

(I am allergic to dairy; I will go into shock if I have even a small amount. A surprisingly large amount of stuff has dairy in it and I hate making people wait while I check whether something will kill me, so I often go for the easiest thing on the menu. I meet this guy online and we go to a coffee shop to meet, safely, in person. I ask for soy in my drink and he asks if it is for flavour reason; I state it being a dietary requirement, but we don’t talk much about it further than that. We decide to continue with the relationship, and a week or so later we go on our first date. He chooses an Italian place for dinner, which is a very risky place for me go to. I find it a little odd, considering the coffee shop, but I just go for a vegan dish to be safe. A few weeks later, he invites me out to a steak place. I have never been to this place and I can’t find a website to check their menu prior to going. It’s a little bit worrying, but I know most dairy in a steakhouse is in the optional sauces. When I arrive, my date keeps glancing at me, which I don’t really understand. We are seated and given menus, and he is now staring at me intently.)

Me: “What?”

Date: *somewhat smugly* “You won’t find anything vegan on the menu.”

Me: “What’s your point?”

Date: *smug look falters* “Huh?”

Me: “I said, ‘What’s your point?’ I’m not vegan.”

Date: “But… The soy? And at the Italian place?”

Me: “I’m allergic to dairy. Severely allergic, actually, so vegan is a safe choice for me. You took me to a steakhouse thinking I was a vegan?” *pause* “And you thought I would accept it if I was a vegan?”

Date: “W-Well, I thought it would be funny to watch you struggle.”

Me: “You wanted to watch the little vegan get upset over not being able to eat off the menu. Wow.”

Date: “But this is great that you’re just allergic! That means you’re fine to be with!”

Me: “What?”

Date: “Yeah, cause vegans are crazy! You don’t f*** crazy!”

(I stare at him.)

Me: “You’re totally right; you don’t f*** crazy. I don’t f*** crazy, or stupid, or a**holes. See ya.”

(I get that some vegans are in your face about it, but that guy was just a jerk.)