(I heard this from my manager who is taking a food order.)

Manager: “Any allergies we need to be aware of?”

Customer: “Cats.”

(I’m part of a falconry display at a fair, holding a Yellow-Billed Kite for people to look at and hold. A woman comes over to see.)

Woman: “Ooh, he’s lovely what is he?”

Me: “He’s a Yellow-Billed kite called Asbo.”

Woman: “Is it okay to pet him?”

Me: “Yes, but only on his chest, please.”

(I demonstrate where to stroke him but the woman immediately starts to stroke his back and his wings. A friend of mine comes over.)

Me: “Please don’t stroke his back; birds spend a lot of time waterproofing their feathers, and our oily hands strip that off.”

Woman: *continues to stroke his back* “Ooh, he’s so soft.”

Me & Friend: “Please stop that now.”

Woman: *still stroking his back* “Why?”

Me: “You’re taking his waterproof layer off his feathers; he needs it.”

Woman: “Oh.”

(She was still stroking his back, so I had to physically remove her hand from the bird, to which she walked off in a strop.)

Customer: “Hello, can I have a pancake with Nutella, please?”

Me: “Yes, sure!”

Customer: “Just a question. I am allergic to nuts; are there any nuts in Nutella?”

Me: “Yes, there are nuts in Nut-ella.”

(I have requested the personnel files for an operative who will be transferring to our region. Within a minute of sending the email, I get a phone call from the manager.)

Manager: “Can this wait? We are processing payroll.”

Me: “Absolutely. I’ve just sent the request in. It can be handled at your discretion.”

Manager: “I just can’t understand why you would request this during payroll. We are very busy!”

Me: “I just sent the request; there isn’t a deadline. It can wait.”

Manager: “Couldn’t you have waited? We are doing payroll!”

Me: “Yes, I know you are doing payroll. Like I have said, it can wait.”

Manager: “This is just ridiculous. Your request will not be completed until we have finished with payroll. Be more conscientious in the future.” *hangs up*

(I’m a bit befuddled by the call but just assume I sent the request at the wrong time, and that they were quite busy. I receive an electronic copy of the operative’s files within fifteen minutes, however, from someone I’ve never had correspondence with before — their title is Commercial Manager for another region. I forward the email on to the site manager.)

Site Manager: “Why is [Commercial Manager] sending this?”

Me: “I assume [Manager] was too busy, so he asked her to help.”

Site Manager: “[Manager]? Oh, no, no. [Commercial Manager] shares an office with him at [Head Office]. She says he sits there all day on Grindr and Facebook.”

Me: “He seemed pretty stressed about payroll…”

Site Manager: “You know how you can’t start payroll until the little circle turns green on the system?”

Me: “Yeah?”

Site Manager: “That’s his job — his entire job. For some reason he is the only person in the UK with the power to change it green. He does absolutely nothing else.”

Me: “Wow… at least payroll personnel are part-time, I guess.”

Site Manager: *with a pained look* “No, he’s full-time.”

(Thankfully, I haven’t interacted with [Manager] too often during payroll since, but when I do, the conversation is near identical.)

Me: “That’s £13.12, please.”

(The customer hands me £5. I wait for him to find the rest, but he just stares at me, nonplussed.)

Customer: “Well, there it is.”

Me: “It’s £13.12. I’ve only got £5 here.”

(The customer rummages in his pockets and fishes out three more £1 coins.)

Customer: “There. Is that enough now?”

Me: “That’s £8. I need £13.12.”

Customer: “You want more?!”

(He finds another two £1 coins in his pocket, passes them to me, then stares at me, gone out again.)

Me: “You’ve only given me £10.”

Customer: “How much more do you want?!”

Me: “I need another £3.12 to make it up to £13.12.”

(He finds me another three £1 coins.)

Customer: “There! Is that enough now?!”

Me: “I just need another 12p.”

(He passes me 50p, then turns to go as I sort his change.)

Me: “Here’s your change and your receipt.”

Customer: “Oh, I get change, do I? After all that?”