New Guy: “I just got back from a training session on the procurement software.”

Coworker: “How did it go?”

New Guy: “It was with a guy called Steve.”

Coworker: “…ah.”

New Guy: “Why do you say it like that?”

Coworker: “Procurement Steve? The one who has an error rate of 50% in our invoice generation? Who spends half the day staring at the screen with a gaze untainted by thought?”

New Guy: “Yeah, sounds like the guy I just spent my afternoon with.”

Coworker: “Yeah, there’s a reason you’re being trained to do what he does…”

I work in a gym that has a daycare so that parents who want to work out can leave their children with us for a few hours. I don’t normally work at daycare, but someone has called in sick, so I’ve just started covering the afternoon shift. There are a few kids here who got dropped off before I started.

Customer: “I’m here to pick up Jason.”

Me: “Oh, we actually have two Jasons today. What’s the surname?”

Customer: “Smith, but he won’t respond to that. He’s not that bright. Just grab the four-year-old that looks like he knows what every crayon tastes like.”

I hate to admit it, but when I went back to collect him, her description was accurate. He had a crayon up his nose, and he’d drawn a green beard on himself. My coworker was there, but when asked why she’d let him do that:

Coworker: “No force on earth will get between Jason and his crayons. At least they’re non-toxic.”

When I bring Jason back out to Mummy:

Jason: “Mummy!”

Customer: “Hi there, moppet. Oh… no eyebrows to match the beard today! That’s an improvement.”

Jason: “Yes, Mummy! I practised… restraint!”

One of our coworkers is about to start his paternity leave. He’s in the office this morning, handing over some important tasks while everyone is offering him congratulations.

Manager: “Enjoy these days when they’re babies. My kids are all older, and they don’t talk to me anymore. I just don’t understand.”

Coworker: “Oh, well, I’m sorry to hear that.”

Manager: “Yeah, I was an amazing father! Now they’ve all gone no contact. It’s so strange! Anyway, sorry to blabber on. You have some amazing times ahead!”

Coworker: “Haha, well, with all the dirty nappies (diapers) to deal with, we’ll see!”

Manager: “Well, your wife will worry about all that.”

Coworker: “Well, I mean, it’s a joint effort.”

Manager: *Proudly.* “I never changed a nappy in my life! That’s women’s work.”

Hmm, I wonder why his kids won’t speak to him?

I used to work in a store that specialised in clothing/footwear/equipment for outdoor pursuits such as hiking and skiing.

I’m very good at customer service, and my favourite customers were the ones who were shopping for technical clothing for the first time; I liked having a chat with them and making sure that they got the correct things to make their trip as comfortable as possible.

I have always been known as being very good at customer service. Friendly, knowledgeable, and respectful. This is the story of when I almost went very, very wrong.

A couple of late teen girls in Hijabs come in and start looking around, so I approach them and get chatting.

Me: “Hey ladies! Are you shopping for something in particular today?”

Customers: “Oh, yes, we’re going on a trip to hike up Snowdon, so we probably need some waterproofs and boots.”

One of them picks up a pair of white snow pants (trousers) from a sale rack next to us and holds them up.

Customers: “I like these! They’re really nice and they feel like they would be waterproof.”

Me: “Um, yes… but they’re also designed for snow, so they will make you very warm. For your trip, you’ll want maybe two light layers for warmth, because then you can remove a layer if you get too warm. If this is your only layer, then you won’t be able to do that. A Hijab and no pants give very mixed messages…”

Suddenly I think: “Uh oh. Did I just say that out loud?”

Customers: “…”

Me: “…”

The customers burst out laughing and put the pants back.

They take on some of my recommendations and then come to the till, where it turns out that they know one of my sales assistants and regale them with my hilarious joke.

I have never been more relieved at a well-received joke!

I work in a specialty tea shop in a tourist-heavy historic district. I’m working a quiet afternoon shift when a couple walks in, mid-argument. The man is trying to impress the woman with his “knowledge” of tea.

Customer: “We’re looking for that… what’s it called… that super rare tea that only grows on cliffs or something?”

Me: “Ah, you might mean Da Hong Pao. Grows on Wuyi mountain cliffs in China.”

Customer: “Yeah, that! We’ll take a cup. Two pounds, actually!”

Me: “We don’t sell that by the cup, and, unfortunately, we don’t carry the authentic kind; it’s extremely rare and costs several thousand per ounce. Most of what’s sold under that name is a cultivar or blend.”

Customer: *Smirking at his friend but speaking to me.* “Oh, so you don’t have the rarest tea in the world? Guess this isn’t a real tea shop, huh?”

Me: “We stock teas, not flexes.”

His lady friend actually snort-laughed, while he glared at me and walked out very briskly. His friend gave me a silent thumbs-up and followed him at a slower pace.