(A friend of mine who works as a school librarian told me this one. The school gives out textbooks to students, which they need to return to the school when they finish a grade. A teacher comes to the school librarian.)

Teacher: “Can you keep track of the textbooks we give out to students? Like, could we line them up and get them to walk past you, and you scan their books?”

Librarian: “Yes. You’ll have to give me the textbooks, and I’ll have to put them on the catalogue and put barcodes on them.”

Teacher: *with a sigh of annoyance* “Ugh. I thought it was going to be really straightforward.”

(I told my friend she should have just stood there with a barcode scanner, let the students walk past with their books, and play a “bleep” noise every time one walked past. This teacher would have been none the wiser.)

(My doctor’s surgery does an annual check-up with the practice nurse for all patients with long-term conditions. I go to mine.)

Nurse: “You’ve lost 13 kg since we last saw you!”

Me: *sarcastically* “Yeah, depression and anxiety is an amazing diet.”

Nurse: “Your weight and BMI are well within the guidelines now.”

Me: “Oh, um, great.”

Nurse: “Do you want me to refer you to [Famous Weight Loss Club]?”

Me: “…”

Nurse: “We have to ask everybody.”

Me: “…”

Nurse: “We do have to ask everybody.”

Me: “…”

Nurse: “I’ll take that as a no, shall I?”

Me: “…”

Nurse: “Anyway, let’s check something else, shall we?”

Me: “Yes… let’s.”

(My mum needs some groceries and we decide to take my three-year-old nephew along to give my sister some peace. As we are walking round we overhear another customer:)

Customer: “Oh, f***. I forgot butter.”

(They dash off, and we think nothing of it until we hear from my nephew.)

Nephew: “Oh, f***.” *repeats this over and over*

(Mortified, my mum thinks quickly.)

Mum: “No, there’s no ducks here.”

(I served a customer half an hour ago, and while I am serving another customer, she comes stomping up to me, receipt in hand.)

Customer: “What’s this?”

Me: “A receipt?”

Customer: “YES! And do you know where it was?”

Me: “Did I serve you?”

Customer: “DUH!”

Me: “I either gave it to you or put it in your bag.”

Customer: “The latter! And now I’ve just spent the last half an hour turning my car over looking for it! What kind of service is this where you hide your customer’s receipts from them?”

Me: “Madam, I always ask if you want the receipt in your bag before handing everything over. If it was in your bag, you would have answered for it to be put there.”

Customer: “This is absolutely disgraceful. I’m tempted to put in a complaint about you! What would’ve happened if I had lost it?!”

Me: “I can see your customer number on the receipt, so all we would have to do is scan your membership card and pull up the appropriate transaction saved to it.”

Customer: “You save all that?”

Me: “Just the items and method of payment, for auditing and returns without receipt.”

Customer: “Oh, my God!” *sprints down the full length of the store and out the front door in a mad panic, screaming about the government stealing her identity*

Current Customer: *turning to me* “What the f*** was that?”

Me: *shrugs and continues with the transaction*

(I’m new. A customer comes to my till.)

Customer: “Hello. Can I get a [high-end television behind me]?”

Me: “I’ll just need to you to complete this form first, verifying that you have a TV licence.”

Customer: “Is it illegal to sell one to a customer without one?”

Me: “I don’t know; I only started this week. It might just be store policy.”

Customer: “Oh, if it’s store policy I don’t have to do it, then.” *smiles at me*

Me: “I suppose, but it does mean I won’t sell it to you.”

Customer: “Why not?”

Me: “I don’t want to lose my job?”

Customer: “Oh, that’s fine by me.”

(The customer smiles at me again. I stare back, stone-faced. His smile falters.)

Customer: “No TV?”

Me: “No TV.”

(The customer walked away, dejected.)