To get into work, I have to drive through manned checkpoints, have my car registered, and show my personal ID card. It’s a high-security area, made pretty clear by the many many signs and razor wire. It isn’t near any other company and could not be mistaken for anything else.

On a normal day, I would drive right up to the gate. But today, there is a beaten-up old car taking a long time at the gate.

I wait and wait. I wind down the window and can hear an old woman shouting at the security guard. I can’t make out what is being said but the guard sounds exasperated and seems to be telling her to go away.

Eventually, the guard comes up to me.

Guard: “Sorry, sir, bit of a delay. You can park in the visitor site and I will let you in via the turnstile.”

Me: “Oh, okay, thanks. Nothing to worry about?”

Guard: “Just a stubborn old lady who isn’t used to being told ‘no.'”

I parked in the visitor bay and walked through. Apparently, only a few minutes later, armed police arrived and had to forcefully remove the woman from the car and cuff her. Sniffer dogs had to be used in case of a bomb threat and the whole entrance was out of use for hours!

The reason? The old woman refused to reverse her car to turn around and insisted they open the gates — to the secure facility! — so she could turn around in forward gear. They had no other choice but to call the police when she threatened to ram the gates.

Lesson learned: don’t try and force your way into a secure facility just because you don’t like to drive the car in reverse!

Me: “Since this is a lot of ongoing work and requires constant updates, can we switch from a fixed price contract to an hourly contract?”

Client: “No way! That would be like me handing you a blank cheque.”

I really don’t want your money but fair pay.

I am preparing to return a rental car at the airport. It’s the type that you have to queue to check in and there’s no dropoff. I’ve been standing in the exact same spot for about half an hour. A lady comes in and says out loud:

Customer: “I’m not standing in line.”

She then sits on a couch off to the side. Fine.

My turn is up next, and the lady says:

Customer: “Excuse me, I was ahead of you. I came in first.”

Me: “You didn’t. I’ve literally been standing in the same spot for forty-five minutes.”

I suspect that because I’m sort of brown (half-Filipino) she thought my English would be subpar, because she seemed surprised when I started speaking in my fluent American English.

Customer: “You weren’t there when I came in.”

I turn to the people in front of me with whom I made polite conversation when I first arrived.

Me: “I’m sorry, but I’ve got a funny question: I was here right after you, wasn’t I?”

They confirm it. She sits down with a harumph, saying:

Customer: “I don’t think that’s very funny.”

Then, she got up five minutes later and literally tried to skip over the entire line to get her car, but the man at the desk wasn’t having it, saying, “Let me help this gentleman first,” while pointing at me.

Related:
Not Even In Line And Out Of Line, Part 3
Not Even In Line And Out Of Line, Part 2
Not Even In Line And Out Of Line

A few years ago, I was working as a retail journalist and got to cover the opening of a huge new toy store on a famous street in central London. The planners went all out, and the bigwigs of the company were walking around and talking to everyone. They even had several dozen costumed characters there to perform for the kids.

I saw them getting ready and had to do a double-take as I noticed a character who seemed a little out of place.

And that’s how I got the chance to see a choreographed family-friendly dance featuring such stars as Bob the Builder, Fireman Sam… and Scorpion from Mortal Kombat.

A fun night was had by all.

I catch someone stealing a lawn mower from my neighbour’s garden. By the time I get downstairs, the guys have run off and to their van parked around the corner.

I run next door.

Me: “[Neighbour], someone’s stolen your lawnmower!”

Neighbour: “What?! They got into the garage?”

Me: “No, I saw them take it from your garden.”

Neighbour: *Suddenly calm* “Oh, that one.”

Me: “I managed to get part of their licence plate. Sorry, they were too fast.”

Neighbour: “Oh, don’t worry yourself. Thanks for keeping an eye out.”

Me: “You don’t seem that bothered.”

Neighbour: “Well, I just bought myself a new one. The one they stole barely runs and has a fuel leak. The only part of it worth anything was the sticker that my grandkids ‘decorated’ it with. I’ll report it, but they probably did me a favour.”

He reported it to the police and they came round to see me after a few days. They pulled over a van for no tax and the lawnmower was in the back. The thieves said they “found it,” but with my description, they were able to be charged.

[Neighbour] got a bit of an insurance payout, as the thieves damaged it even more when stealing it. Last I heard, [Neighbour] was going to buy his grandkids a toy lawn mower for when they visited, which seemed very fitting.