Caught You Egg-White Handed

, , , , | Right | August 14, 2017

(My coworker is handling a return when he calls me over.)

Coworker: “Can you check this? It doesn’t feel right.”

(I pick up the paint tin he is pointing at, and it does indeed feel off. The contents is moving around a lot more freely than expected.)

Me: “Sorry, but do you mind if I check the contents?”

Customer: “I do. You can check it after I have my refund.”

Me: “We won’t be refunding anything until I’m certain of what is inside.”

(I start removing the lid.)

Customer: “I SAID YOU’RE NOT ALLOWED!”

Me: ”This is… I don’t know…”

Coworker: *to the customer and backing away* “What is it?”

Customer: “It’s… it’s egg white.”

Me: “An entire paint tin of egg whites?”

(He fumbled for a bit then made a grab for the tin. He then ran out of the store, spilling the egg white everywhere. The strange thing was, the amount of eggs he would have needed to purchase to fill any entire tin would have cost more than the refund.)

You’re A 100% Chance Of Being An Idiot

, , , , | Learning | August 14, 2017

(I am a teacher providing a tour for parents of new students in the next year. There are two in the group who are very vocal. The atmosphere is pretty casual, and parents are free to ask questions whenever they like.)

Parent #1: “Excuse me? How often is there a nurse in the school?”

Me: “We have several first aiders who are present at all times, so immediate care can be given. As for the nurse, we have two who tend to switch. Thursday are usually their days off. Generally we have both on hand with tasks needing more involvement, like shots and and lice checks.”

Parent #2: “Shots as in vaccines? Oh, no, no, no. My son won’t be doing those. It’s so dangerous.”

Parent #1: “Yes. How could people be so careless! Did you know that the MMR vaccine has a 100% chance of causing autism?! I refuse to left my son be a r****d!”

Me: “I guess I’m a r****d, then.”

(Neither parents looked too happy with my retort, and one of them pulled their student out of the school. The other, however, attended school and gladly had his vaccinations. Apparently there was some words exchanged between his mother and father, to which I assume the father won.)

Another Case Of Wifitis

, , , , , , | Working | August 13, 2017

(We’re due to have a new member of staff; they passed the interviews all fine and we’re just making sure that their workspace will be set up a-ok. Keep in mind we’re an Internet software company. As part of this we ask if the employee has any special needs for their workplace; for instance I’m disabled due to arthritis so I require a special chair and keyboard set up. I got a phone call from the new employee about a day before she was due to start:)

New Starter: “Hey, yeah, just calling about my workplace set up. I do have a few requirements.”

Me: “Okay, no worries; do you want to go through them now or send them via email or post?”

New Starter: “Nah, phone is fine. I need an ergonomic keyboard and mouse because I have RSI.”

Me: “No problems at all; I’ve got a setup like that myself so we’ll get those installed for you.”

New Starter: “Right, and I’m deathly allergic to WiFi, so you’ll need to shut off anything wireless in the office.”

Me: “…pardon?”

New Starter: “Yes, I’ll die if I’m near a wifi signal. You need to shut down anything that works wireless.”

Me: *noticing at this point she’s calling me from a MOBILE PHONE* “Erm, that may pose a real problem as a lot of our systems and phones work on wireless.”

New Starter: “Tough. Disable it. Rewire it or whatever you have to do. I’ll die if I’m near anything wireless.”

Me: “Can I ask a question?”

New Starter: “Yes.”

Me: “How did you protect yourself against the signals when you came in for your interviews then? That meeting room actually houses two of the main wireless points for the office.”

New Starter: “I’m going to sue.” *hangs up*

(She DID in fact call a lawyer to claim we were refusing ‘disability accommodations’ who then called our corporate office to complain. We’d already sent the notes from my phone call up so they knew about her ‘issue.’ We never heard anything further aside from a single note from HR saying we’d withdrawn the job offer ‘on agreement with the interviewee.’)

Very ‘Special’ Waves

, , , | Friendly | August 13, 2017

(I am sitting on a bench outside of fast food place, eating food I have just bought from there. A woman bumps into me and I instinctively apologise.)

Woman: “I should think so! You bumped into me!

Me: “Actually, you bumped into me.”

Woman: “You have disrupted my special waves and my aura is now mauve instead of opal!”

(She then made a grab for my fries and stormed away when I grabbed them before her. She then bumped into a couple of few benches further  down who were also eating, and said her aura was now shamrock, before again trying to grab their food.)

The Pricey Alternatives Can Take A Hike

, , , | Learning | August 11, 2017

(My school’s organizing a Duke Of Edinburgh expedition. Basically, it’s a three day hike, which gains you a certificate you can put on your CV. The teacher running it is a regular hiker. A few weeks beforehand he gives us a list of equipment to bring with us. He recommends a lot of specialized equipment, which together would cost me about £300. Not having that kind of money, I find cheaper alternatives for about £50. He inspects our equipment before we go.)

Teacher: *picks up a torch I got from a pound shop* “That’s not good enough.”

Me: “I tested it in the park. Lights up everything around.”

Teacher: “This only works for a few metres.” *shows his own* “Why haven’t you got something like this?”

Me: “It’s £40.”

Teacher: “But it can spotlight something two miles away.”

Me: “What are you planning to spotlight two miles away? This isn’t a military expedition; it’s a walk in the woods.”

Teacher: “I know best. And what’s this?” *picks up one of the plastic bottles I brought with me* “The first time you drop this on a rock, It’ll split open.”

Me: “Like that rock there?”

(I throw the bottle as hard as I can at the rock. It bounces harmlessly off.)

Teacher: “Who’s the expert here? I’m telling you it will break.”

Me: “Let’s do another test, then.” *I throw it at a pointier rock; same result* “You were saying?”

Teacher: “Well, if you’re not going to listen, we won’t help you when it breaks.”

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