When Country Roads Aren’t Relaxing

, , , , , | Right | June 11, 2021

I work for a high street catalogue chain delivering goods that people have bought online.

It is the end of a long shift, and I am about forty-five minutes away from base in a speed-restricted van.

I set the last customer’s postcode into my GPS to locate the home and end up down a dusty farm track. I call the customer on the only number they have given me — a landline — asking for a call back when they don’t answer. I use my phone as a second GPS, which takes me to the main road; this takes me about ten miles out of my way. When I get off the main road, I call the customer again. Still no answer.

I head back down the side roads to the village they live in, in the hope I can find the road. I am in luck; I find the street, but the house has a name, not a number, so rather than find a number, I have to look at each home for a building name. No joy, so I call the customer, who does not answer.

I start door-knocking. This is about 9:30 on an evening so I understand why people are annoyed at being disturbed by me. When I find the property, the owner opens the door with a smile and his first words are:

Owner: “I saw you were trying to call our house, but we don’t have a house phone; we use mobiles. Why didn’t you call them?”

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The Sigh Of Relief Heard Around The World

, , , , , , | Romantic | June 10, 2021

I’m home from university during my first year. I’m out with some friends from my hometown, catching up over a few drinks. I get a text message from my girlfriend. I read the preview line of the message.

Preview: “Oh, my God, I think I’m pregnant…”

My heart stops, my blood runs cold, and the bottom drops out of my stomach. We’re both only eighteen and we have only been dating a month or two. Neither of us is in a position to be having a child. Not to mention, the few times we have been intimate, we’ve taken sufficient precautions, so the question of HOW this might have happened is also racing through my mind.

I open the conversation to read the rest of the message and begin to formulate a response. And then, I read the full text.

Message: “Oh, my God, I think I’m pregnant with an Indian Food Baby. I have eaten SO much curry! How’s your night going? xxx”

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Smiles For Miles!

, , , , , | Friendly | June 10, 2021

My wife and I race grass track sidecars in our spare time. We are getting our bike ready the morning of an event when we are approached by a man and woman with a child.

Man: “Hi. We don’t want to bother you, but would it be possible for our son to have a sit on your bike? He’s going through chemotherapy right now and could do with a smile.”

Me: “If I can get permission and it’s okay with you, I can do one better and have him come out with us on the parade lap if he wants?”

The boy’s eyes go as wide as dinner plates and his smile’s not much smaller as he looks at his parents expectedly.

Woman: “I think that’s a yes, then.” *Laughs*

I went to check that it was okay with the right people and came back with the good news. I also told them I’d arranged a surprise during the presentations afterward. They thanked me and left until it was time for the parade lap. When it came to the presentations, the boy was asked to come up onto the podium and help hand out the trophies, prize money, etc.

I often see the family when we are at events in the area and the boy is now all clear and healthy.

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A Proper Bollywood Ending

, , , , | Right | June 9, 2021

I own my own little corner shop. A grumpy old customer comes in to buy cigarettes, and when it’s time to pay, he flings his coins at me instead of handing them to me. I am forced to pick some coins up off the floor.

Customer: “That’s it, [South Asian slur]. On the ground where you belong.”

Me: “Don’t worry, sir. Considering how many of these you’re smoking and how terribly old you look, you’ll be in the ground while I’ll be on it for a long while yet. I’ll even do a little Bollywood dance on your grave.”

Customer: “How dare you!”

Me: “Goodbye, die soon!”

He stormed out as I turned up the Indian music on my radio.

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She’s Back On Her Bulls***

, , , , , | Friendly | June 9, 2021

I share a house with some other girls. Normally, we “interview ” a potential new housemate together. But with the end room being vacant for so long, we have a current housemate’s friend move in immediately. 

She seems okay, but she’s so dramatic. If she doesn’t have man problems, she has car issues. If not that, she has family problems. Failing that, some customer at work is either hitting on her or saying something crazy. It’s hard to feel sorry for her when all she does is complain.

I have a day off. I catch up on some reading in my room, do a bit of tidying round the house, finally go for a run, and come back as everyone else is arriving from work.

The new housemate has cornered a few people before they can even get their coats off.

New Girl: “Ugh, I had the worst day ever.”

Housemate: “Okay, well, great, but let me get inside, yeah, hun?”

New Girl: “Ugh, it’s like you don’t care.”

Housemate: “We do care. I just want to get inside. It’s raining.”

New Girl: “As I was saying, it was the worst day. This creep wouldn’t leave me alone; he was all in my face. Then, my boss told me off because of my top. Then—”

Me: “Hang on, [New Girl]. You haven’t been to work. You’ve sat on that sofa all day. Did you not see me around the house?”

New Girl: “Well, I mean… I had the worst day yesterday.”

Housemate: “Yesterday was Sunday, babe.”

New Girl: “Ugh! You guys are so mean.”

I felt bad, but still, keep the BS to a believable level.

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