Lactose Intolerance Versus Lactose Ignorance, Part 2

, , , , , | Right Romantic | January 19, 2019

Patron #1: “Why do you have two ice cream options?”

Me: “One is made with cow’s milk, while the other is made with coconut milk.”

Patron #1: “What’s the difference?”

Me: “One is vegan-friendly and safe for those with lactose sensitivity.”

Patron #1: “I don’t understand. Which should I get?”

Me: “I assume after the chicken you just had that you are neither vegan nor lactose intolerant, so I would suggest the ice cream made with cow’s milk.”

Patron #1: “No, I think I’m lactose intolerant.”

Me: “But your sauce was prepared with milk. Are you all right?”

Patron #1: “I think so.” *to [Patron #2]* “Am I?”

(I stare at both of them while [Patron #2] face-palms.)

Patron #2: “I think we’ll risk it.”

(I bring them their ice cream. Half an hour later I am asked to bring the bill, and [Patron #2] offers to pay with a card. I take him to the reader.)

Me: “Are you sure he’s all right? I don’t want him to get sick.”

Patron #2: “I don’t think he knows what it means, so I think it’s safe to assume he’ll be fine.”

Me: *worried* “Oh, I thought you knew each other. I shouldn’t have suggested the cow’s milk.”

Patron #2: “No, seriously. Even if he is lactose intolerant, I doubt there’s enough going on in there to make the connection. I think I’ve actually gotten dumber just spending the night with him.”

Me: “Oh, I see. Well, please let us know if there are any problems.”

Patron #2: “Sure, although I doubt I’ll see him after tonight. I don’t know if I’ll ever use Grindr again!”

Related:
Lactose Intolerance Versus Lactose Ignorance

Doesn’t Need A Bank Or A Post Office But A Hospital

, , , , , , | Healthy Right | January 19, 2019

(I have been helping a patron set up a direct debit.)

Me: “And is there anything else I can help you with today?”

Patron: “Yes, can I have a packet of first-class stamps?”

Me: “Oh, I’m afraid we don’t offer stamps, but there is a post office just down the road. Just head right as you step outside.”

(Her head does this awkward jerk and she looks around in confusion.)

Patron: “This isn’t a post office?”

Me: “No, it’s a bank.”

(She looks furious, but before she can say anything else, she collapses on the floor. I’m the closest first-aider so I go into action. The door security guard calls 999. It looks like she’s having an epileptic fit, so I try my best to work with my training. I check her handbag for an identity card, but can’t find one. The guard walks over and tells me EMTs are coming just as our manager answers the phone. He looks so confused, but he addresses us.)

Manager: “What’s her name?”

Me: “What? How is that relevant?”

Manager: “I’ve got one of the paramedics on the phone. She’s asking.”

Me: *confused* “[Patron].”

Manager: “It’s [Patron]…” *to me* “She says to put a cushion under her head and check her handbag.”

Me: “Already done. I couldn’t find anything. I don’t know if she’s epileptic.”

(He tells the paramedic.)

Manager: “Was there anything drug-related in the bag? Pills? She’s asking for a colour.”

(I grab the bag and check. There is a small, clear bag in one of the side pockets. I don’t touch it but I can see small, round tablets.)

Me: “They’re pink.”

Manager: “Pin– Oh, they’re already here.”

(Literally as he says this, the EMTs burst through the door, with the woman my manager was speaking to hanging up.)

EMT: “Sorry, once we knew it was [Patron], we knew we had to hurry.”

(I surrender her to the EMTs. After a few minutes and an IV, she comes around. She is laughing and quite jolly with them as they take her away on a gurney.)

EMT: “Thanks for the help. I’ll just need to ask some questions.”

Me: “Sure, but how did you know it was her?”

EMT: “Sweetie, I’ve lost count of the number of times we’ve been called out for her. Now we just take it as standard to call ahead when we’re told it’s a middle-aged woman.”

(I really have to commend them. I can’t imagine having to deal with the same woman time and time again as she slowly destroys herself.)

Unfiltered Story #137039

, , , | Unfiltered | January 19, 2019

(I work for a tv, phone and broadband provider and have been taking calls for a while, we were warned that people might ask silly questions)

Me “hi your through to julie at [business] how can I help”

Customer “my broadband isn’t working, not connecting right”

Me “okay let me have a look at your account, is that a wirless n router you have”

Customer “no my internet isn’t wireless, it’s got a power cable”

(I had to put him on hold to take a minute, the worst of it was he was born in 1986).

Unfiltered Story #137030

, , | Unfiltered | January 19, 2019

Customer: Do you have any of those Nicotine sprays?
Me: Sure!
(I grab one off the shelf and scan it through the till, tell him and the price and wait. He starts going through an obviously empty wallet and card holder).
Customer: Sorry about this.
Me: It’s okay.
Customer: i was just thrown out of the mobility shop because I was wasting his time.
Me: Oh, right.
Customer: I don’t have a bank card. My brothers won’t give it to me until I sort myself out because I ended up in (town) infirmary again.
Me: Oh what happened?
Customer: Well, I was on the bus to (small town) and I didn’t fall in the pond in (small town) but I fell in the river in (large town, 20 miles south of small town) and ended up in the back of the police car for two hours and in (large town) infirmary.
Me: Oh, dear….
Customer: Well, I won’t waste your time anymore.
Me: That’s okay and maybe your brothers will let you have some money for the nicotine spray. We’re open until six.
(Customer nods and tries to grab the spray but I take it from him smiling).
Me: Don’t worry, I’ll put that back for you.
(I smile, watch him go, and then collapse on the floor in the fit of laughter).

Not In Love With The Shape Of You

, , | Right | January 19, 2019

Customer: *walks up to my register* “You look so yummy!”

Me: *nervous* “Umm, thank you?”

Customer: “Not you! That!”

(She points at a leaflet on the counter about a sale we are offering on baked goods.)

Me: “Oh, thank goodness. I thought I was going to have to call security for a second.”

Customer: “Well, I wasn’t going to say you look yummy, in any case. You’ve got a lazy eye. Only Ed Sheeran looks yummy with a lazy eye!”

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