You’ve Been Face-Booked

, , , | Working | September 18, 2017

(I have gone into my mobile network’s store about an issue with my phone. The woman serving me has asked to look at it. She has had it for about a minute when:)

Me: “Why are you on my Facebook?”

Employee: *not taking her eyes off my phone screen* “I’m not, sir. Why would you suggest such thing?”

Me: “I can see my dog reflecting in your glasses. It’s my current profile picture.”

(The woman freezes and quickly hands my phone back.)

Employee: “Is there anything else I can help you with today?”

Me: “Getting me your manager?”

Their Business Is Flat-Lining

, , , | Working | September 18, 2017

(I’m a newly graduated university student looking for my own place to live so I don’t have to move back to my hometown. I go to one of the local letting agencies, all of which are within a minute walk of each other. The first place has a young woman there to talk to; she already looks disinterested in me.)

Worker: “How can I help?”

Me: “I’m looking for a place to rent. My budget is allowing for between £250-350 a month for the rent alone. I don’t really mind about the place itself or how many rooms or anything, just so long as it can fit within that budget.”

Worker: *scoffs* “Okay, well I’ll look up those details for you now.”

(She looks up the information…)

Worker: “Right, so, I’ve found a flat that’s £500 a month. This looks pretty decent right?”

Me: “I guess it does, but like I said, my budget would only allow a maximum of £350. I couldn’t afford that right now.”

Worker: “Okay, well, here’s a place that is £350.” *gives info on it*

Me: “Yeah, that seems okay; when would I be able to view it?”

Worker: “We can book you in for a viewing next Monday at 11:30 am. Would that be okay?”

Me: “Yeah, that’ll be fine.”

Worker: “You’ll need to phone us on that day, a half hour before, to confirm that you can make the appointment.”

Me: “Oh… Um, sorry, but that will be a little awkward for me. I’m on a PAYG phone and have no credit at the minute, and I’m not paid until the end of the month. Would no one here be able to phone me instead?”

Worker: *scoffs again* “Um, no, we don’t do that here. If you can’t phone us to confirm, then we can’t book a viewing for you.”

(I just left, choosing not to call her some choice words. I walked literally down the road to the next agency, and I was welcomed quite warmly by a nice elderly lady who actually listens to my price limit at the start. She made a point of only looking in the “nice area of town,” because I certainly look like a “nice lad.” I know it was kind of cheap flattery, but it wasn’t a swindle, it was honestly further into the less rough areas of town. She even made a point of calling the landlord right then and organising a viewing just two hours after my meeting with her. A week later, and I was all signed up at a studio flat at £285 a month, well within my budget. Honestly, it was no wonder that the first place I went to was empty, but the second place with the nice lady already had two couples talking to other advisers.)

Transitioning Away From Toxic People

, , , , , | Friendly | September 18, 2017

(I’m at a gay bar with some friends, and we’re talking to some people we’ve never met before. I’m a trans guy.)

Girl #1: “Who do we have here? [Friend #1], [Friend #2], and…” *points to me*

Me: “[My Name].”

Girl #2: “That’s a guy’s name.”

Me: “Yeah… I’m a guy. I’m trans.”

Girl #2: “That’s stupid.”

Me: “What?”

Girl #2: “You’re not trans. You’re just gay and can’t admit it, because you’ve been raised in such a homophobic world. Just admit your love for women as a lesbian.”

Me: “Uh… I’m queer. I like people: men, women, whatever. I’m not ashamed of that.”

Girl #2: “Pfft, whatever. Call me when this trans thing is over; you’re cute.”

(My friends and I are speechless as the girl leaves. The first girl watches her leave and turns to us.)

Girl #1: “So, she’s dead to me. Shall I buy the next round?”

Not The Uniform Response For Santa

, , , , , , | Related | September 18, 2017

(I am about seven years old, and it is Christmas Eve. My parents convince me to go to bed hours before, but out of excitement I’ve not gone to sleep yet. I hear my dad head into the attic.)

Me: “Daddy?”

Dad: *clearly surprised to hear me calling so late* “You should be asleep!”

Me: “I know, but, Daddy?”

Dad: “What?”

Me: “Are you getting your Santa uniform?”

(I still believed in Santa… because I was convinced my dad was Santa! A few years later, when my best friend told me the truth, I realised I hadn’t been too far off the mark!)

REAL Locker Room Banter

, , , | Working | September 18, 2017

(I have started a new job, and after I get chatting with my new coworkers, I politely ask what the manager was like.)

Coworker: “Oh… she’s okay, but a bit odd. You’ll see.”

(I am pretty worried about this, especially when the manager in question calls everyone into a meeting.)

Manager: “Morning, folks. Some minor bad news, I’m afraid. I’ve just had instruction from the head office that I’ve got to perform random locker checks every week.”

(Various people groan or roll their eyes.)

Manager: “Yeah, I know. Now, I want you to know that I trust you all, and I’m only doing this because the head office insists. I think it’s ridiculous and insulting, to be honest. So, I’ve decided we can have a bit of fun with it.”

(She gives a wicked grin.)

Manager: “Every week, I want you to hide the silliest things you can think of in your lockers. The person who makes me laugh the most will get a prize; bar of chocolate or a beer, depending on which they prefer.”

(Alas, I didn’t win the prize that week. My coworker won a beer after she found a well-filled sack with a sign saying “Totally not stolen goods” in his locker. However, I won the week after, thanks to a pair of pink fluffy handcuffs! The competition continued for about six months, before the head office decided to stop the locker checks. It was a shame; a coworker and I had just got hold of some prank springy snakes. So much wasted potential…)

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