Me: “You’re through to [tech support], can I take your telephone number?”

Customer: “No.”

Me: “Okay, can I take your postcode instead?”

Customer: “No.”

Me: “Okay, sir, I’m trying to help but I need to bring your account details up in my system.”

Customer: *rather angrily* “What the h*** do you want my details for? I can’t connect to the internet, you need to sort it out!”

Me: “I will do my best, sir, but like I explained I need to bring up your account details to verify what the problem seems to be.”

Customer: *screaming* “That’s it, I’m calling your complaints department. This is f****** ridiculous. I also want to speak to your manager NOW!”

Me: “Sorry, sir, I can’t do that as you haven’t verified any of your account details.”

Customer: “That’s it, I’m leaving your provider for somebody else!”

Me: “Thanks for calling [technical support]. Have a nice day!”

(Two minutes later my manager comes over and just bursts out laughing.)

Me: “Good morning, thank you for calling [Pet Insurance]. My name is Barry, how can I help?”

Customer: “I’m not happy!”

Me: “And why is that?”

Customer: “I don’t know the sort code for my bank account!”

Me: “Okay… have you tried calling your bank?”

Customer: “If I did that I’d end up talking to somebody in India! Can’t you just tell me?”

Me: “Well, I sell pet insurance, so, unfortunately, I don’t have that kind of information. I only have information on how much it will cost to insure a cat or a dog. I guess you could find it if you went to your bank’s website.”

Customer: “Oh great! Could you do that for me?”

Me: *sigh*

This story is part of our Lazy Customers roundup!

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(Some customers at our restaurant try to get a free meal by placing some hair in their food and then blaming the chef and refusing to pay for the meal.)

Customer: “Waiter!”

Me: “How can I help you, sir?”

Customer: “There’s a hair in my food.”

Me: “That isn’t possible, unless it was your hair.”

Customer: “It isn’t!”

Me: “Who else’s hair could it be?”

Customer: “Your chef’s.”

(I walk into the kitchen and return to the table with our chef.)

Me: “Take off your chef’s hat.”

(Chef takes off his hat, he is revealed to be bald.)

Chef: *to the customer* “You were saying something about my hair being in your food?”

This story is part of the Lying-Customers-Getting-Caught roundup!

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(A woman came up to my register today and began putting her items up on the counter. All of a sudden, she stopped to listen to the pet store advertisements that we have playing all day in the store. The ad mentioned donations would prevent unnecessary euthanasia in animals at shelters.)

Woman: “What would they do with the euthanasia?”

Me: “The donations would help animals find homes so they wouldn’t use euthanasia unless it was absolutely necessary.”

Woman: “What do euthanasia have to do with it?”

Me: “Well, euthanasia means putting them to sleep.”

Woman: “They’re killed?”

Me: “Essentially.”

Woman: “I thought that was just a rumor.”

Me: “…what?”

Woman: “So do they eat them?”

Me: *so confused* “…the vets?”

Woman: “No. The kids.”

Me, perplexed: “…kids?”

Woman: “In Asia!”

(Then I realized that she meant youth in Asia. Not, euthanasia. And here I thought that mistake was only made on TV. Wow.)

Customer: “I need a door.”

Me: “What kind of door?”

Customer: “You’re the professional!”

Me: “…”

Me: “Where are you going while passing through this door, and where are you leaving?”

Customer: “Garage from the kitchen.”

Me: “Great, and what size is the door that’s there now?”

Customer: “They make them in different sizes?”

This story is part of the Home Improvement roundup!

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