(The customer at the front of the queue is talking loudly on his phone and ignores me when I ask what he wants. I decide to ask the person behind him for their order.)

Customer #1: “Excuse me! I’m at the front. You serve me before him!”

Me: “I’m very sorry, sir. You were on your phone. What can I get you?”

Customer #1: “Jesus! Stop interrupting me! Can’t you see I’m talking to someone?” *continues conversation*

Customer #2: *quietly, to me* “Follow my lead.” *then, very clearly, at normal speaking volume* “Clap once if you can hear me.”

(Claps.)

Customer #2: “Clap twice if you can hear me.”

(Claps twice, with me and the person behind him joining in.)

Customer #2: “Clap three times if you can hear me.”

(Three claps, more of the queue and the people sat at a nearby table have joined in – most of the other people in the shop have stopped talking to see what the clapping is about.)

Customer #2: “Clap four times if you can hear me.”

(Most of the people in the shop clap along with him, with the person on the phone struggling to hear what’s being said by their friend.)

Customer #2: “Clap five times if you can hear me.”

(Everyone claps, and Customer #1 hangs up, looking angry.)

Customer #1: “How dare you interr—”

Customer #2: “Clap six times if you can hear me.”

(Everyone, except the now fuming phone guy, claps.)

Customer #2: “Oh, good. You seem to have finished your call. Why don’t you place your order now?”

(Customer #1 stutters for a few seconds, then storms out, mashing at his phone.)

Customer #2: “Oh, well. That was fun.”

(He got his drink for free, and now we always use that to shut up customers on their phones!)

This story is part of the People Who Should Get Off Their Phones roundup!

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(I am shaving my head in public for charity at a school fair. Because my hair is too long to shave straight off, anyone at the fair can pay £1 to chop a chunk of my hair off, putting said hair in a bucket afterward. A man walks into the fair, sees my stall, and makes a beeline for it.)

Me: “Hello! I’m raising money for charity. Would you like to cut a lump of my hair off for £1? It’s all being shaved at 9 pm.”

Man: *smiles, says nothing, and puts £1 on the table*

Me: “Great, here are the scissors.”

Man: *takes the scissors and cuts some of my hair*

Me: “Nice one! If you’d just like to put the hair in the bucket ove—”

Man: *smiles, looks at my newly cut hair, and walks out of the fair with it*

Me: *speechless*

(I’m working in the shop at the entrance/exit to the attraction.)

Customer: “Excuse me, where are the nearest toilets?”

Me: “Your best bet is to go back through then they’re in the cafe next door.”

Customer: “Back inside the park?”

Me: “Yeah, I’ll let you back through.”

Customer: “But then we won’t be able to get back out again, will we?”

Me: “I’m sorry?”

Customer: “If we go back through we won’t be able to get back out of the park again.”

Me: *trying not to smile* “I assure you, you will.”

Customer: “Wait, that was really stupid wasn’t it?”

(I have a morning appointment with my dentist for a check-up about my braces, so I stay off school. About 10 minutes before we leave the house, our phone rings but nobody leaves a message and the number is unlisted. My dad also has 2 missed calls on his mobile phone, again from an unlisted number and nobody left a message. We think nothing of it and set off the dentist’s office.)

Dad: “Hi, I have an appointment for [my name] with [dentist].”

Receptionist: “Oh, her appointment’s been cancelled. [Dentist] is ill.”

Dad: “Well, why did nobody inform us?”

Receptionist: “We called your home and mobile; nobody answered.”

Dad: “So, why didn’t you leave a message?”

Receptionist: “I don’t know how to leave a message. It’s not usually necessary. People usually answer the phone.”

Dad: “…Excuse me?”

Receptionist: “I don’t usually leave messages, sir. It’s not my fault you didn’t answer the phone.”

(My dad is absolutely dumbstruck at this point.)

Receptionist: “Would you like to rearrange the appointment?”

Dad: “We’ll get to that in a second. You realise if you’d just left a message you wouldn’t have wasted my time or my daughter’s. She’s been kept off school this morning as we were told this was the only appointment available. As for not knowing how to leave a message, I refuse to believe that someone in an administrative role doesn’t know this. Even if that was remotely true, for future reference all you need to do is, when it says, ‘Leave a message after the tone,’ you just speak!”

Receptionist: “As I said before, sir, it’s not my fault you didn’t answer the phone. We did try three times.”

(My dad is now so annoyed we leave the office before he loses his temper. He rings back later, fortunately speaking to a different receptionist, to get me a new appointment. When our appointment came, he ended up royally putting his foot in it as he b****ed out the receptionist to my dentist. Turn’s out it was the dentist’s wife!)

(My family owns a construction company which I work for. One day, I receive a call from someone trying to sell us IT support.)

Caller: “Hi, I would like to speak to your managing director, please.”

Me: “Hi, could I ask what the call is regarding?”

Caller: “I just need to speak with him. Put me through.”

Me: “I’m afraid that unless I can tell him what the call is regarding, he will not take it.”

Caller: “Look, I don’t need to justify myself to some receptionist. Just tell your managing director that I need to speak to him.”

Me: “Sir, I cannot put your call through unless you tell me who you are and what the call is regarding. I’m sorry, it’s part of my job to screen the calls.”

Caller: “I want to speak to him about his company’s IT support. Now, will you just put me through? This is f***ing ridiculous!”

Me: “Thank you so much for your cooperation, I will put you through to my brother, the managing director, right now.”

Caller: “…Oh. I see… umm, thanks very much.”

(His pitch didn’t go down too well with the boss!)