Dirty Money

, , , , , , | Romantic | June 27, 2018

(I’m saying goodnight to my wife as I have to be up early for work. We are standing there hugging and I go for a cheeky feel of her backside. As I do, a 2p coin drops to the floor.)

Me: “Did you just poop out a 2p?”

Wife: “It must have got stuck to my bum.” *she’s not wearing pyjama bottoms*

Me: “Sure! Come on. If you can just do that with a few hundred rolls of £50 notes, I can give up work! You can be my golden goose.”

Wife: “I’ll goose you in a minute! I’m not pooping money for anyone.”

Transferring Deterring

, , , | Learning | June 27, 2018

(I am on the switchboard at the college where I work. We have multiple campuses; I work in the main campus. I get a call from a student who wants to be put through to a smaller campus, six miles away.)

Me: “Good morning! This is [College]; how can I help you?”

Caller: “Yeah, you just put me through to the other campus, but nobody answered.”

Me: “Okay, reception and switchboard do open an hour before the other departments so we can log any sickness calls; however, if you leave a message, someone will get back to you ASAP.”

Caller: “Not good enough. I want you to make sure they answer the phone now.”

Me: “I’m afraid I cannot do that; I am currently located in the main campus six miles away from where you want transferring, and I cannot leave the phones unmanned.”

Caller: “No, I’ll hold. Go to the office I want transferring to and make them answer my call.”

Me: “So, instead of waiting less than twenty minutes for the staff to come into that office, you want me to leave the switchboard unmanned, go to the shuttle bus, travel the twenty minutes it takes to get there, get the office staff to wait for the call to be put through, make a twenty minute return journey to where you will still be on hold, and then put you through?”

Caller: “YES!”

Me: “No.”

People Have To Die Before You Feel Ashamed

, , , , , | Friendly | June 25, 2018

(I am an OB-GYN doctor, and I am very close with a nurse who started working here at the same time I did. I am six months pregnant, and she is five months, but we both look about the same. I’m planning on transferring to a GP practice whilst she is going to be a stay-at-home mum. I’m leaning against a counter and the nurse is standing on the other side of it. We’re discussing our plans when the mother of one of my patients walks up.)

Woman: “It’s so nice to hear that some women still want a traditional family. I can’t imagine not putting your children first.”

Nurse: “Well, I think it’s more about what works for the family. Most women put their babies first in that way.”

Woman: “I know, but not even being engaged? That’s only an indicator of a lack of commitment on the parts of both parents.”

(She inclines her head slightly in the direction of my ringless hand.)

Me: “I’m sorry, ma’am, but I don’t think my private life is any of your concern.”

Woman: “It is when you’re not being a good role model for others in your position.”

Me: “Well, I wasn’t exactly planning on my boyfriend dying, but there you go.”

(My boyfriend died of an aneurysm when I was fourteen weeks pregnant. It was sudden, but I’m eternally grateful that I didn’t lose the baby, too. The woman at least has the decency to look ashamed.)

Woman: “Well, I’m very sorry to hear that.”

(My main reason for sharing this is to say please don’t judge pregnant women. I’ve had teenage girls pregnant due to assault, women who are forced to give up their babies because they can’t find work, among a huge number of other situations. Please don’t try to make everyone you meet conform to your worldview.)

Monkeying Around In The Editing Room

, , , , , , | Related | June 25, 2018

(I am watching a nature documentary with my mum. It’s not what we’re used to; there’s a lot of unnecessary music overlays, dramatic pauses, and I’m pretty sure some heavy video editing to force the desired effect and make it more story-telling. We’re both finding it wearing to watch, as a result. It’s on a segment about the langur monkey; the announcer simply states they’re very rare, and then we get to see clips with very loud, happy-go-lucky music playing over it.)

Voiceover Guy: “But then, when it gets dark, the monkeys can’t stay out.”

(The music changes dramatically, and it shows the sun setting and a monkey looking around, which then reaches over and snatches up its orange baby, before they all run in dramatic slow-motion for the cliff.)

Voiceover Guy: “They must seek shelter, for there are dangers in the dark…”

(It shows the monkeys climbing the cliff face, babies clinging on to them.)

Voiceover Guy: “They climb and climb, the higher the better. But the cliffs are dangerous, and it’s not unknown for a monkey to fall…”

(It is still showing the monkeys climbing the cliff face, looking very stable in their climbing ability. A shadow that was clearly added in after is creeping up on them.)

Mum: “By, ‘It’s not unknown,’ he means, ‘rarely happens.’”

Voiceover Guy: “They have gone high enough. Now they’ll look for shelter. Even the babies are aware of the danger they’re in.”

(Close up on a bright orange puffball looking around in — presumably — its mother’s arms.)

Me: “To be honest, if you grabbed me whilst I was playing on a branch, then legged it up a cliff, I’d be pretty alarmed.”

Voiceover Guy: “They have found shelter. They will be safe from the dangers that lurk in the night…” *cue really, really slow-motion of the sun setting and the moon rising*

Me: *whilst slow-motion is still going* “What are they scared of? Jaguars? Bats?” *can’t think of another nocturnal animal* “Badgers?”

(A slow-motion thunderstorm now is on the screen.)

Mum & Me: “Thunderstorms?”

Voiceover Guy: *moving to a completely different topic* “In Australia…”

Me: “WHAT?!”

Mum: “What about the danger to the monkeys?!”

(It never went back to explain the “dangers of the night” that the monkeys ran away from.)

That’s A Wheely Inconsiderate Thing To Do

, , , , | Right | June 25, 2018

In our local store, they have around six or seven wheelchair trolleys. These are trolleys that are designed exclusively for wheelchairs. They clip onto the front of wheelchairs. They are not for any other use — for example, invisible disabilities — as they need the counterweight of the wheelchair to be stable. They are small and nowhere near as good as normal trolleys, but for wheelchair users like me, they are the only way I can shop. There are also only a few of these, in contrast to several hundred standard trolleys in various sizes.

The last few times I went to the shop, I noticed they weren’t in their normal place, so I popped to customer service to ask if they had been moved. That is where I found out that some able-bodied customers have discovered that trolleys normally require £1 coins, but these particular trolleys do not. So, instead of bringing £1 coins with them or using the baskets, they have started using these trolleys. Finding this easy, it seems that they have told others about their “trick” to avoid having to bring coins, and within a week or so, it has gone from many being available, to waiting up to 20 minutes for someone to take them to their car and unpack. And, of course, they get dumped in the car park instead of being returned, and I cannot safely cross the car park to get them myself.

I took a look around and quickly confirmed it was true; people were using them without wheelchairs. When I asked one of them if I could use her trolley, she seemed offended by it and said I could have it after she was done. A worker had to retrieve it from the car park.

It has been an utterly frustrating experience, showing the ignorance of some towards those with disabilities. But, I will be contacting the stores to compliment the customer service staff who told me about the issue, and did everything in their power to find one for me, including sending the staff member to get them from the car park.

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