It’s Not Always Nice To See More Of Your Mother

, , , | Related Romantic | June 1, 2017

(My mum has gotten a new phone.)

Mum: *sends picture of her cleavage*

Me: “What are you doing!”

Mum: “You like that big boy? You want more?”

Me: “No!”

Mum: *sends more*

(As she is only downstairs, I decide to just talk to her.)

Me: “Mum, STOP! You’re sending those to me.”

Mum: *going pale and checking her phone* “[Last three digits]?”

(I nod.)

Mum: “Oh, my god, I’m so sorry. I’ve got you saved as your father!”

(I’m traumatised.)

And I’ll Get To Scotland Before You

, , , , , | Right | June 1, 2017

(I work at an office that offers tours of Scotland and the highlands, although sometimes we can take on private groups. I’m on a late shift by myself and the phone rings.)

Me: “Hello, [Tour Company].”

American-Sounding Girl: “Hi, I wondered if I could get a quote on a private tour?”

Me: “Okay, how many are we talking?”

American-Sounding Girl: “190.”

Me: *thinking “wow!”* “Okay, and were you looking for one of our set itineraries or a custom itinerary?”

American-Sounding Girl: “Well, shall I just tell you the situation and we can take it from there?”

Me: “Sounds good.”

American-Sounding Girl: “Okay, so we’re all college students and we’re looking to organise a large trip to the Superbowl—”

Me: “I’ll just stop you right there. Where are you calling from?”

American-Sounding Girl: “Nova Scotia.”

Me: “Okay, I think you may have the wrong number. This is [Tour Company] in Scotland.”

American-Sounding Girl: “…”

Me: “…so you are just over 2,000 miles closer to the Superbowl than we are…”

American-Sounding Girl: “…”

Me: “…so, you know… it’s only fair to advise you that this would impractically expensive for you.”

(There was a long pause then she burst out laughing, followed by me. We had a good laugh!)

Diabathetic

, , , , | Right | June 1, 2017

Me: “You meal should be ready in about fifteen minutes.”

Patron: “Thank you. Also, just as a warning: I’m diabetic, and my blood sugar is quite low.”

Me: “Oh, my. I could have something brought out of you’re feeling unwell?”

Patron: “Oh, no. It’s fine. Also my family can sue you if you don’t save me!”

Me: “…”

Unfiltered Story #87839

, | Unfiltered | June 1, 2017

I work as a Lifeguard and was cleaning the cubicles ready for the evening length swim. I had taken all mats out, put cleaner on the floor and had the wet vac out ready. We put a sign out telling customers that we are cleaning and could they please use the other cubicles.

A customer gets out of the pool with her two children and starts to go into one of the cubicles I am cleaning.

Me: Hi, sorry, but I am cleaning these so if you don’t mind could you go to the other cubicles.

Child of customer: But we can get changed in here right?

Me: Um, no. I am cleaning these. You need to go down to the other cubicles.

Mother, looking at me with evils: What! The ones that drip!

Me: Yeah, sorry, but these have cleaning chemicals on the floor and I wouldn’t want your children walking in them.

Mother: just looked at me as if she hated me so I said meekly ‘I have cleaned the one at the end so go in there’.

She went in there and then proceeded to call her husband to tell him what had happened. He came storming in ready to have a go. I think he got there and realised that she was a going a bit overboard. The outcome was that I couldn’t finish cleaning the cubicles so everybody who came in for the evening session had to use the drippy cubicles because of her.

PS Her husband always looks slightly embarrassed when he comes in now.

Unfiltered Story #87838

, | Unfiltered | June 1, 2017

My daughter works in a Joke Shop and there are a few teenagers working there. The shop is in a small coastal town that caters to the tourists but the locals all know each other.

A local man comes in, selects some purchases and puts them on the counter. Quin rings them through:

Customer: Stop!

Quin: Sorry?

Customer: Stop!

Quin and the Manager don’t know why so they stop.

Customer: I want some contact lenses but I will speak to an actual human being!

They chuck him out.

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