Unfiltered Story #107369

| Unfiltered | March 16, 2018

I work in the School of Modern Languages. We often collaborate with the School of Linguistics, but we’re separate departments in different buildings, about 10 minutes’ walk apart. Someone has a meeting with a linguistics researcher in her office, but has come to my department instead.

Me: Hi, so sorry about the mix up! [Researcher]’s office is in the linguistics building, so I’ll walk you over there now.
Visitor: Oh yes, she told me to meet her in linguistics, but we’d had a meeting in this building before so I thought I’d just come here instead.

What Happens When You’re Spoon-Fed Religion

, , , , | Right | March 15, 2018

(I work at a canteen inside an office building. I have served a woman who has gone to pick up the cutlery for her meal. She returns with a fork in hand.)

Woman: “This is a fork. I want a spoon.”

Me: “Spoons are right next to the forks.” *points at the table she was just stood at*

Woman: “But I want this to be a spoon.” *grabs my arm tightly* “Let’s pray.”

(She closes her eyes and starts muttering. I think it’s Hebrew, but as I have never been religious, I’m not 100% certain. She opens her eyes and glares at the fork in defeat before shouting at me:)

Woman: “YOU DIDN’T PRAY HARD ENOUGH!” *throws fork at me and leaves*

Know Where You Can Stuff Those Cancer Pipes

, , , , | Right | March 15, 2018

(Due to the sheer volume of stock we have donated to our charity shop, only a small percentage of our bric-a-brac is on display. Customers know to ask us if they want something they can’t see.)

Older Gentleman: “Do you sell pipes?”

Me: “Pipes? Copper pipes? Wind pipes? Glass pipes?”

Older Gentleman: “Yes, pipes.” *mimes a smoking pipe*

Me: “Sir, we are a cancer charity; we will not sell anything to do with smoking.”

Older Gentleman: “Yes, that was a bit of a stupid question, wasn’t it?”

(I must admit it did make me giggle throughout the day.)

Some Informational Baggage

, , , , , | Right | March 15, 2018

(England has just introduced a mandatory charge for carrier bags to larger businesses.)

Customer: *to my colleague* “This is ridiculous. Companies are just going to take advantage of this and it won’t make any difference.”

Me: “Actually, sir, the same law requires we donate all revenue, after VAT, to charity. We have our own foundation which donates to major charities, as well as taking submissions from lesser-known ones, so it is likely any revenue we make from bags will go to this. Furthermore, the charge reduced the use of bags in Wales to a fifth and has proven to be successful.”

(Both are in a stunned silence.)

Colleague: “Where did you learn that?”

Me: “[Variety Store] had huge posters next to the tills boasting the fact about Wales, and the charity point is on the cards warning about the charge.”

(The customer looked at the one I was pointing at, looking rather embarrassed.)

The Infinity Breakfast

, , , , , , , | Romantic | March 15, 2018

(I’ve just woken up, I’m being a bit lazy in getting up, and I want five more minutes of snuggles. I turn to my boyfriend, who is half-awake next to me. Warning: Marvel Cinematic Universe spoilers.)

Me: “Babe. You know how in Thor: Ragnarok, Loki went to Odin’s vault in the end? Do you think he took the Tesseract and saved the blue Infinity Stone?”

Boyfriend: “He almost definitely did. That’s why Thanos has it in the trailer for Infinity War.”

Me: “So, what happened to the red Infinity Stone?”

Boyfriend: “Oh, the strawberry stone. Not sure. Don’t know what it does.”

Me: “Okay, well, Doctor Strange has the green one. And what happened to Loki’s staff? That had the yellow stone in it.”

Boyfriend: “Oh, the lemon stone. It’s by the sugar stone and the pancake stone.”

(I’m keeping him.)

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