(I work as an intern/assistant in a public access TV studio. Since the job has a lot of downtime and I enjoy programming, I write programs to automate some of my tasks when there is nothing else to do.)

Me: “Hey, [Boss], check out this new script I wrote.” *runs script that does in 30 seconds something that used to take me more than an hour to do by hand*

Boss: “Can I give you a bit of advice? I know you’ve written four or five little scripts like this, and that’s really awesome. However, I’m 55 and I learned a long time ago never to let my bosses know exactly how long it took to do the work.”

(I’ve learned this lesson well and in my current job I’ve written scripts that save me more than 10 hours a week and my boss still thinks I do most of the work by hand.)

(My boss signs our department up to pass out promotional items at local high school football games. This has previously been done by any employee who cared to volunteer, but for some reason, that was no longer good enough. A game is suddenly added to the schedule and the boss is running around the department.)

Boss: “Hey, [Coworker #1], can you go to the game tonight?”

Coworker #1: “No, sorry, I’m signed up for a dinner at church.”

Boss: “Can’t you skip it?”

Coworker #1: “I’ve already committed. I really can’t.”

Boss: *sighs* “FINE. Hey, [Coworker #2], what about you? You can leave early!”

Coworker #2: “I can’t. I’m working my second job tonight.”

Boss: “Why can’t you call in?”

Coworker #2: “Because I could get fired?”

Boss: “Oh, fine.”

(I am the only person in our department who works a later shift.)

Me: “I can do it if you want me to.”

Boss: “No, you need to stay here.”

Me: “But I could run out there for a couple of hours and get back in time to wrap things up.”

Boss: “No.”

Me: “Well… then why don’t YOU do it?”

Boss: *turns to face me with a look of disgust on his face.* “Because I’m the HEAD of the department!”

Me: *whispering after he walks away* “What a team player!”

(My studio works on multiple shows, and one of them was recently canceled. Half of the team of the canceled show were absorbed into other shows, laying off people from other teams. A week after this occurs, I’m having lunch with one of the directors for a show that had to let people go because of this.)

Director: “The last week has just been so rough.”

Me: “Yeah, but at least you still have your job.”

Director: “True, but I don’t think anybody could feel as bad as I do since I had to let people go.”

Me: “You do realize that you’re talking to one of the people you had to lay off, right?”

(I work for a network that is hosting the 2010 Olympic games. The network is selling a DVD pack of Olympic highlights that people can order now, and will be sent to them when the Olympics have finished.)

Me: “Hello and thanks for calling. How may I help you?”

Caller: “Hi, I saw the ad on TV about the Olympic DVD pack you’re selling, and I’d like to order one. I was wondering if I could get them shipped to me by Friday. My son’s birthday is on Saturday.”

Me: “Sir, the Olympics don’t end until Sunday.”

Caller: “So, what’s the problem?”

Me: “You’re asking to have them shipped to you two days before the Olympics end. And even after the Olympics are over, I’m sure it’s going to take some time to get all of the packages made and shipped.”

Caller: “So you can’t have them here by Friday?”

Me: “Sir, there is no way to get them to you by Friday because the Olympics don’t end until Sunday.”

Caller: “That’s ridiculous! Now what are we supposed to get Johnny? Isn’t there any way they can get all the Olympics done before Friday?”